Making deals with myself...

I've been trying to get healthy again.  Eat better, lose weight, exercise on a regular basis.  I make these deals with myself a lot.  I start out well and then I lose momentum.  I'm hoping this time is different.  I'm making smaller goals and hoping I can keep those.  Jeez, I'm only letting myself down.  Interestingly enough I'm more upset when I let other people down and not myself.  I guess I can make excuses for myself which I can accept.  Anyway, I did well last weekend and I even went to the gym on Wed.  I planned to go tonight but I did so much walking up and down the stairs at work my feet and legs are killing me right now.  But, I will go tomorrow and Sunday for sure.  Another deal but I think it's one I will keep. 

Insurance Crap...

Ok.  So yesterday, I looked on the billing website at the hospital that I had my IVF done.  The first bill, which is the big bill was gone.  I thought, my RE's office did take care of it.  Awesome job.  Well, not so fast.  Just now I got the notification that my bill is in and awaiting payment.  Joy.  5 thousand something dollars.  Great.  I am so confused because WIN is billing the insurance 17K and the hospital is billing me 5K plus.  I guess I'll call my RE's office tomorrow and see what's going on.  There are still more outstanding bills and I want this resolved.  I don't want the money I'm saving to go to the hospital. It's bad enough I have lost my full IF coverage mid year.  I just wish this would all go away.  It seems sometimes that some people have it so much easier.  I know the grass is always greener but right now it just feels like that.  Some people are in the right place at the right time and get rewarded.  I know people say that God only gives you as much as you can handle.  I feel like I've reached my breaking point but it just keeps on coming.  I know we'll get this resolved one way or another.  I'm just tired of getting the short end of the stick.

What's Normal...

J left for his trip today.  He'll be home on Monday night.  For the last 3 years he would come home for a day and a half and then leave again to go back to work.  A week or more later, same thing.  It became normal.  J running around leaving half his belongings all across America.  His luggage sitting on the floor in our bedroom by the window.  Of course, even though he's home a lot more now, the luggage still seems to stay on the floor of our bedroom.  And I still need to bitch to get him to clean the liter box.  But overall, he does help out more.  Today he went back and before he left, he put my laundry away (instead of leaving it on the floor) and emptied the dishwasher, cleaned up the sink and changed the lights around the house.  It's just nice that he is home more. We are going to take a mini trip to Mall of America sometime in Aug.  I can't wait.  It's nice to have that time together.  It will be a road trip. We used to take road trips all the time.  It was our favorite thing to do.  Go for a drive to nowhere in particular.  Anyway, it will be nice to have something to look forward to. 

Another Neg...

Well, I guess this month is a bust.  I'm not giving up.  I won't.  I plan to keep trying till we have enough money saved for a donor.  But this cycle was not right.  I feel awful today.  Even now.  Headache, severe cramps (way more than I have ever felt on a non-medicated cycle), weird pains in my abdomen.  It feels kinda hard.  And I feel nausea and exhaustion.  In fact, I'm not sure I want to even write right now.  I wanted to look on the forum but it appears the site is down again.  I did see some good news on there before I left work.  Two more ladies are preggo.  It's very exciting to me.  It gives me inspiration and hope that I can and will get pregnant and be a mom too. Can't wait to see if there is more good news. 

Exhaustion....

I'm not sure what's going on with me lately.  I'm having such trouble focusing and feeling physically exhausted.  I've felt this way for days now and I have this weird indentation behind my ear that I just noticed.  My eyes are very itchy and swollen as well.  It's starting to scare me a little.  I wonder if any of these supplements can cause these issues.  Probably has something more to do with the weather though.  We've had super hot temps and high humidity and finally got some much needed rain.  It's still humid but the temps are in the high 80's.  I'm still super tired and still have laundry and the kitchen to clean up and have no desire to do either right now.  I was secretly hoping I was pregnant but I took an HPT and it was negative. I should have gotten my period today but with all the fertility treatments it wouldn't surprise me if my cycle is screwed up.  I'm on day 35 of my cycle which is very long for me.  My luteal phase is 11 days long.  It's day 12 now but I am starting to feel stronger cramps on and off now.  This whole cycle has been crazy.  I've felt pains in my abdomen that remind me of pinching. I'll just have to give it a few more days.  Maybe I screwed up my day of ovulation.  Anything is possible.  Nothing about this cycle has been normal for me so I'll just have to wait a few days and see what happens.  Anyways, I better do the stuff I need to do before I crash for the night.

Taking it one day at a time...

That's what I'm trying to do at least.  I've been researching the costs for DE/IVF and believe the clinic my RE recommended will be it.  Monitoring at home and trip to NC for the retrieval and transfer.  The clinic explained the process to me.  We go down for an initial visit and get all testing done at that time.  Any other test can be done at home if necessary.  Then it takes around 2-3 months to get matched to a donor and another couple for a split cycle.  My RE is convinced this will work for us.  He believes my egg quality is the only thing standing the way of us having our family.  It still hurts though.  The fact that we had embryos and they didn't make it.  I had six babies with J.  I know some people just think of them as a bunch of cells but they were more than that. They were us.  I know I need to get past this and move on.  Sometimes I have and sometimes I think about the fact that my embies died and never had a chance.  But I will have my family.  I am sure of that.  J is sure of that.  It's just good to have a goal in mind.  Planning for this is the only way I can get through this.