I'm officially PUPO

PUPO - Pregnant until proven otherwise.  I can't believe I've come this far in the process.  Each step has been so stressful.  Doing the stims and getting the ultrasounds and blood tests every other day.  Trying to understand the numbers they were giving me, etc.  I had 5 follicles but only 3 eggs at the retrieval procedure.  Luckily, 2 fertilized and my RE assured us that they were good quality.  Grade 1 and 8 cells.  I even got a picture of the embryo's after they did the transfer.  And I know, I know, silly as it is, I've been talking to them hoping that they have a will to live and grow up with us.  I'm praying for them but I know it's in God's hands now and I really can't do anything more except follow the doctors instructions.  Now I still need to go for BW on Thurs and I think again on Monday.  Not sure yet if I'll need a booster shot of the HCG or not.  I guess my hormone levels will tell the tale.  Anyway, I'm on 3 days of bedrest.  I get to get up on Thursday to go to work and give more blood.  Till then.

I did it, I can't believe it but I did it.....

I have done one whole day of Follistim injections on my own.  I was shaking for the first one this morning.  I held the pen needle near my belly saying over and over "OK, just do it, OK, just do it, I can do it, OK, just do it"  Finally, I just went and stabbed myself.  Couldn't believe it.  It didn't even hurt.  I had myself all worked up and it didn't even hurt.  Of course, it was because I was so worked up.  I did sort of feel it tonight when I did it.  I hope this goes by quickly.  The Ultrasound tech said it will go by quickly.  I hope in one month I am preggo.  Please, God, I so want to experience pregnancy, birth and motherhood.  I so want this to work.  I've waited so long and have been so patient. 

Life....

On Monday, January 10th at 9AM our lives changed forever.  Our furry family member, Yeager, passed away.  It was a tough decision.  We knew he was very sick.  I had to bring him to the vet nearly twice a week to drain the fluid off his chest just so he wouldn't suffocate to death or rupture an internal organ and die a slow painful death.  I knew it was just time for him to rest.  Yeager has been with J and I since we were together.  Always, J & A and Yeager.  He was family.  We all miss him.  I was surprised at how much Amelia and Scottie missed him.  I've been trying to pay extra attention to them even though I feel just as bad as they do.  It was so strange when I came home that night.  Only putting food in Amelia and Scotties dishes.  J had to go drive to DTW to go to work so I was home alone with the cats that night. I found myself looking for him even though I knew he wasn't here.  I long to have him on my pillow, purring the night away.  Rubbing his face with my face.  Cradling him in my arms like a baby.  He loved being held tightly to me.   He would chase after me to spend a moment alone with me in the bathroom.

Here I am, running to the vet in my spare time, trying to figure out how to I was going to keep Yeager alive and do this IVF with the anxiety of losing Yeager.  Now, I don't have to worry about that.  The decision was made for us.  Yeager doesn't have to suffer anymore and I won't have the anxiety about his loss but to grieve his loss.  I guess the time has come to move on to the next phase of our lives.

The inevitable sad moment that's coming....

Well, the time has come for us to let Yeager go.  I love him to death.  He's been a loyal and loving cat.  He's always known how to make me feel better, which is something no cat has ever cared to try to do. If I was rich, I would do everything possible to fix him, but I don't think we can fix this.  It's the circle of life and his time has come.  I was going to bring him to the vet on Sat and do the inevitable deed that's so hard for me to say.  My friend at work said she would go with me.  She wouldn't let me go alone to do this and J isn't home till probably Sunday.  But J isn't ready to come home and not have Yeager here with us.  He wants to say goodbye to him too.  Sounds silly but Yeager really is a special cat.  He has a way about him that makes you feel right when things are going wrong.  J was getting ready and he let Yeager come in.  Of course he starts acting like his old self.  Anyway, we decided that we would do it on Monday, together.  J made the appointment.  I plan to take off from work.  No way can I go to work after doing that.  Anyway, I have the rest of the week and weekend to enjoy our last moments together.  He will be so missed.

Yikes....

I'm excited, scared, exhausted, moody and achy.  My stomach feels funny.  I feel nauseous.   I've been taking birth control pills for this month and I think they are making me feel ill.  Thank goodness it's only for one month.  Then I start the stims for the IVF.  I am getting the meds delivered by Fed Ex tomorrow.  It seems crazy.  It's here already.  Please let this work out.  I want to be a momma so badly.  I'm so glad J is doing his part.  We both still need to go in for blood work and take 10 days of antibiotics. 

On a sad note, Yeager is not doing well.  Yesterday, J had to take him to the vet to drain the fluid around his lungs again.  It's awful to see him struggling to breath.  The vet said it's only a matter of time.  They think he has lymphoma.  They will keep draining the fluid for now but eventually, he'll stop eating and he will go into shutdown.  Just thinking about it makes my heart break.  He's been such a comfort to me all these years.  We have a special bond.  He knows when I'm upset and works hard to make me happy.  I've really never seen anything like it before.  A part of me thinks he's still alive because of his will to live.  If it's even possible, I'd say that Yeager loves me and doesn't want to leave me and that has given him the drive to go on.  But this cancer isn't something that will just go away.  He's used his nine lives.  Now, we just have to wait for the inevitable moment to come.

It's starting to feel real....

It's the middle of Dec and I'm getting ready to start the IVF train.  My RE prescribed BCP (I had thought I wasn't going on them but I guess it helps them with timing)  WIN Fertility called and verified all the medications they are ordering.  I'll be getting a total of 9 drugs.  Antibiotics, injection drugs, pills, etc....All for 1 cycle of IVF.  I'm hoping I only need to do this once.  Anyway, I feel excited and overwhelmed.  Work is busy as hell and hopefully, it won't stress me out.  That's the last thing I need.  I did tell a few people at work so when I lose it because of the drugs they'll realize and not hold it against me.  I mean just a few days ago I lost it over a paper clip. Anyway, it's looking like I'll start the injections the week of Jan 9th sometime.  Hopefully, by Feb I'll be pregnant.  Please let this work.  I've been praying every day for this to work.  I know it's possible.  Women older than me can still get pregnant then I can too.  Please God, let me have the opportunity to become a Mom.  It's all I've ever wanted.