What's Normal...

J left for his trip today.  He'll be home on Monday night.  For the last 3 years he would come home for a day and a half and then leave again to go back to work.  A week or more later, same thing.  It became normal.  J running around leaving half his belongings all across America.  His luggage sitting on the floor in our bedroom by the window.  Of course, even though he's home a lot more now, the luggage still seems to stay on the floor of our bedroom.  And I still need to bitch to get him to clean the liter box.  But overall, he does help out more.  Today he went back and before he left, he put my laundry away (instead of leaving it on the floor) and emptied the dishwasher, cleaned up the sink and changed the lights around the house.  It's just nice that he is home more. We are going to take a mini trip to Mall of America sometime in Aug.  I can't wait.  It's nice to have that time together.  It will be a road trip. We used to take road trips all the time.  It was our favorite thing to do.  Go for a drive to nowhere in particular.  Anyway, it will be nice to have something to look forward to. 

Another Neg...

Well, I guess this month is a bust.  I'm not giving up.  I won't.  I plan to keep trying till we have enough money saved for a donor.  But this cycle was not right.  I feel awful today.  Even now.  Headache, severe cramps (way more than I have ever felt on a non-medicated cycle), weird pains in my abdomen.  It feels kinda hard.  And I feel nausea and exhaustion.  In fact, I'm not sure I want to even write right now.  I wanted to look on the forum but it appears the site is down again.  I did see some good news on there before I left work.  Two more ladies are preggo.  It's very exciting to me.  It gives me inspiration and hope that I can and will get pregnant and be a mom too. Can't wait to see if there is more good news. 

Exhaustion....

I'm not sure what's going on with me lately.  I'm having such trouble focusing and feeling physically exhausted.  I've felt this way for days now and I have this weird indentation behind my ear that I just noticed.  My eyes are very itchy and swollen as well.  It's starting to scare me a little.  I wonder if any of these supplements can cause these issues.  Probably has something more to do with the weather though.  We've had super hot temps and high humidity and finally got some much needed rain.  It's still humid but the temps are in the high 80's.  I'm still super tired and still have laundry and the kitchen to clean up and have no desire to do either right now.  I was secretly hoping I was pregnant but I took an HPT and it was negative. I should have gotten my period today but with all the fertility treatments it wouldn't surprise me if my cycle is screwed up.  I'm on day 35 of my cycle which is very long for me.  My luteal phase is 11 days long.  It's day 12 now but I am starting to feel stronger cramps on and off now.  This whole cycle has been crazy.  I've felt pains in my abdomen that remind me of pinching. I'll just have to give it a few more days.  Maybe I screwed up my day of ovulation.  Anything is possible.  Nothing about this cycle has been normal for me so I'll just have to wait a few days and see what happens.  Anyways, I better do the stuff I need to do before I crash for the night.

Taking it one day at a time...

That's what I'm trying to do at least.  I've been researching the costs for DE/IVF and believe the clinic my RE recommended will be it.  Monitoring at home and trip to NC for the retrieval and transfer.  The clinic explained the process to me.  We go down for an initial visit and get all testing done at that time.  Any other test can be done at home if necessary.  Then it takes around 2-3 months to get matched to a donor and another couple for a split cycle.  My RE is convinced this will work for us.  He believes my egg quality is the only thing standing the way of us having our family.  It still hurts though.  The fact that we had embryos and they didn't make it.  I had six babies with J.  I know some people just think of them as a bunch of cells but they were more than that. They were us.  I know I need to get past this and move on.  Sometimes I have and sometimes I think about the fact that my embies died and never had a chance.  But I will have my family.  I am sure of that.  J is sure of that.  It's just good to have a goal in mind.  Planning for this is the only way I can get through this. 

My WTF App....

I originally wasn't sure if I was going to even make an appointment to see my RE.  Really didn't think it would help us any since we are now going to be self paying.  But, glad to say I was so wrong.  He had a plan to share and it's a good one in our situation.  He gave us the name of a clinic in NC that we can go and do the entire procedure with a donor.  Early monitoring and after transfer monitoring can be done in IL at my RE's office.  And what's even better is the price.  It's much cheaper than using a place around here.  I feel like it's so within my reach now.  I have concerns about my insurance paying for the last IVF and the money I'm saving might be going to them to pay for everything.  That pisses me off because I didn't ask for any of this.  I based my FSA on the benefits I had at the beginning of the year.  It wasn't my fault the company was acquired by another and benefits changed.  Why should I be getting penalized.  I'm jumping the gun because I haven't received any bills to pay yet.  I guess I should wait and see what happens.  Other than that, just continuing to do research and figure out what we need to do to get our babies.

Friends....

My best friend from home came to visit me for the 4th of July holiday.  We go to the Ribfest every year together.  We usually have a great time.  This year was a little different.  I was excited about my plans for having a baby and I shared that with her.  The first thing out of her mouth is "so it won't be yours".  I can't tell you how hurtful that was to hear and so untrue.  She kept on trying to defend her comment and kept going even though I told her it would be my baby.  She said it won't be my biological child and on and on.  I expected her to be happy for me and supportive but that went out the window with her first comment to me.  I'm sorry I said anything and now I won't be sharing that with her anymore.  As far as I'm concerned, she'll believe they are my own eggs even if they aren't.  This person will probably be a part of my life along with my children so I would prefer they don't hear that they aren't mine because of a small minded person.  J & my friend S said she is jealous.  Some ladies on the forum said the same thing too.  Maybe so but it's no excuse.  My sister adopted 2 children so are those boys not hers because she didn't give birth to them?  I've always believed they were her children.  That's what adoption is all about.  Completing your family.  Having children to love and love back.  I guess it's better to know now how she feels than further down the road.  I should have realized because as soon as I told her we were doing fertility treatments she suddenly decided that she would stop using birth control and if she got pregnant then so be it.  Why did she suddenly decide to do that?  Because I was?  Right now, I'm doing my best to take care of myself.  Working out, fertility massages, meditation, vitamins, etc.  I want to be as healthy as possible so I can carry a baby and hopefully have minimal health issues.  If my friend got pregnant she would have serious health issues since she is massively overweight.  She has health issues now so a pregnancy would only make it worse.  Anyway, I've wasted enough of my time thinking about her and her issues.  Time to move on to happier thoughts.