Week of Thanksgiving....

Finally, J left for a trip so I can finally post.  I love having J home but I get nothing done when he is here.  Anyway, I can't believe it's been over a year since I began my infertility treatment.  Well, technically, we've been trying for the last 8+ years with no luck but the aggressive treatment with an RE was started in Aug 2010.  I had such hopes that IVF would be the answer to our baby dreams.  I'm still holding out hope for next year and I'm getting excited that it's almost here.  Plus, I've been working hard at getting healthy.  I've lost more than 10lbs and my blood sugar is going down too.  It's not completely normal but I have faith that I can get it under control and keep it under control.  My doctor has mentioned that this is progressive so one day I could be on meds of some kind and most likely will be on meds during a pregnancy for sure.  I've been going to the gym 3x/week for the last month.  I'm trying to up it to 5x/week like the doctor wants.  I really like how I feel after and like the results I'm seeing. 

Thanksgiving is only 2 days away and J will be home.  I decided that a traditional turkey with stuffing is in order.  And of course, Kahlua Chocolate Cheesecake for dessert with a simple Ganache (I didn't tell J about the Ganache, it's a surprise).  Usually J is off flying somewhere till after the holiday so this is a treat for us and I'm excited about that.  We are also doing a major house cleaning.  He's taking care of the basement and I'm taking care of the rest of the house.  It's going slower than I'd like but I got inspired today when watching a hoarders episode.  I'm grateful that even though I get lazy about throwing stuff out, I do know when it's time to do so.  No therapy needed for me in that department.

It's been awhile....

Hmm. I haven't written in over a month.  I've been working really hard to keep up with this diet.  Today I got on the scale and it looks like I have a slight setback.  My Dr is happy with my blood sugar readings and weight loss so far.  They have been between 100 -120 pre-breakfast but I just switched meters and it's now a lot higher than that.  Around 130's.  I guess different meters can be set differently.  I'm trying not to let that get me down.  Also, sometimes I feel like J is sabotaging me a little.  He'll make some dessert and insist that I try it even though he knows I'm battling diabetes.  He also has been wanting to go out to dinner to buffets.  It's been a bit frustrating for me. On those nights, I've seen a significant increase in my blood sugar.  I seem to have better outcomes when J is away on a trip.  I choose better foods than he does. I do push to eat more chicken.  I buy them from the Walmart already cooked.  It's delicious, cheap and my blood sugar is usually in good shape.   I have a follow up with my doctor at the end of December so hopefully, with some more weight loss, exercise and monitoring my carb intake will have made a difference.  I really don't want to go on meds.

On a happier note, it looks like J will be home for Thanksgiving.  He is working on Tues and Wed though so I hope he is able to get home.  If not, we'll have Thanksgiving on Friday which is typical for a pilots family.  We rarely get to celebrate on the actual holiday so this will be a treat if he makes it home that night.  I have huge plans for that week as well. I plan to do a deep clean around this house.  I've neglected so much this past year and it's about time I get it all in order.  I had no idea that IVF would take such a toll on me.  Maybe because it didn't work and physically needed to recover.  Plus, it doesn't help having issues with the billing still.  I wound up writing a letter to my RE about the bills not getting paid as promised.  I called the other day to follow up and the receptionist seemed more friendly than the last times I spoke with her.  The last time, she said I need to call this one and that one.  She didn't want to deal with it.   I guess it wouldn't have upset me but all the bills still haven't been processed through the insurance company.  I asked about what's happening with the hospital portion of the bill and she said it should be reprocessed.  I'll give it till the end of November and if nothing has happened then I'll have to do another call or letter if necessary.  I hated writing the letter but I don't think my RE was aware of the billing issues and we couldn't get past the receptionist.  She is supposed to handle the billing.  Oh well.  Hopefully, it will be smooth sailing from here and this chapter will be closed soon.   

Down Day....

Everyday I start out great.  Everyday by the end of the day I'm feeling sad and alone.  I worry about everything these days.  I try not to but I just can't help it these days.  I'm stressed about all the money I'm spending because of my eye injury and now diabetes.  I also found out that I was misled by my doctors office regarding the coverage.  Since my company was sold in the middle of treatment, I was told by my RE's office that the bills should go through WIN Fertility.  They told me to bring copies in or fax them over if I were to get bills from anyone.  Now suddenly, I talked to WIN and they said they don't manage the professional services (hospital and anesthesia).  They said they just pass those on to Cigna as is.  Well, that's great.  Isn't that something I should have known before we moved forward?  It's almost 9K worth of bills that should have been $250.  Big mistake if you ask me and not to be taken lightly.  We don't have 9K and I refuse to use my baby fund to pay this bill.  It's really getting me down and I'm sick about it.  Every time I think we are getting ahead, something sets us back.  My HR administrator has been helping me sort through everything.  She was very upset when I told her the outcome.  She wants to put in a complaint.  When J comes home, I think he needs to contact the billing departments and set up a plan to pay them back before they go into collections.  Maybe they can reduce the bill by half.  It's worth finding out.  Maybe we can still try and appeal.  I guess I'm so frustrated because if I knew for sure that I would have to pay after the sale, I would have cancelled the cycle.  It wouldn't have been worth it for just a 5% chance. 

Anyway, the only good thing going on is my dedication to sticking to this diet to get healthy and lower my blood sugar.  I have another appointment with a diabetes educator and a dietician next week.  I've lost about 4-5 lbs already and it gives me motivation to keep it up.  My goal is to lose at least 20 if not 30 lbs.  I'm not sure I can make it to 30 lbs but I'll try.   Everyone who knows me says the same thing.  "Your not obese, why do you have diabetes?"  Obviously, that doesn't matter.  I want to be very healthy for next year.  I still plan to move forward on doing DE/IVF.  I try to focus on that because it's most important to me now.

Changes in my life....

It's been a few weeks since I've last posted.  At the end of Aug I had a appointment for a check-up.  I told my Dr. I have been feeling rather fatigued lately and generally not well.  She did some blood tests and discovered that I'm now a pre-diabetic.  I don't need meds which I'm grateful for but I have to change my diet and add 5 days of exercise into my schedule.  I've been trying really hard to watch what I eat.  I've started using sparkpeople.com again religiously.  They have a diabetic section so it's been really helpful and tomorrow, I have an appointment with a diabetic educator at the hospital.  I'm hoping they can tell me what I'm doing right or wrong. I have to use a glucose meter twice a day now.  I just never realized how much the food I choose to eat affects me.  Today was a good day for me.  My glucose after dinner was lower than when I woke up this morning.  Seems any bit of regular pasta or rice spikes my sugar level very high.  I really want to get this under control.  Its so important to me that no doctor says I'm not healthy enough to carry a baby.  I want to make sure I can move forward early next year for my next IVF.  I've waited so long for this and I can't allow anything to get in my way.

Also seem to be having some issues at work which frustrates me.  We have 2 account people I work with for a majority of the time on my team and I've tried to help them out since they sometimes seem so overwhelmed.  I've taken on some of there responsibilities in addition to my own.  As a result, the account director implied that I'm not doing a good enough job.  I've thought about it all weekend long and I'll talk to my supervisor  tomorrow about it.  I may have to give back those tasks they have come to rely on me for.  I guess it really irks me that I took on extra to help them, then get criticized by the same people I'm trying to help.  No problem though.  I'll concentrate on doing my job better and that mean they'll have to take those tasks back since it's affecting the quality of my job.  I'm worried about what they'll say to me tomorrow when I tell them but if someone is telling me that I'm not doing a great job at "my job" then I need to focus on "my job".  One of the things I really hate about my company and department is that I really don't get any promotions or incentive to strive for  Account gets promotions, creative gets promotions.  I just stay doing the same job as always.  No promotions in my department.  No rewards at all.  Right now, the only reason I'm still there is because it pays the bills and allows me to save for having my future children which is why I need to fix this situation as soon as possible.  I wish I could say I stay because it's a rewarding job and I enjoy it so much but I don't.  I haven't enjoyed it for a long time.  Someday, I hope to get into something I really enjoy doing.  Till then I'll just have to trek on with this place.

9/11

So hard to believe it's been 10 years.  I remember that day well.  I grew up in NY.  My family and friends still live in NY.  I was at work in Chicago when I realized what had happened.  J was at home.  Still sleeping and safe.  I'm not sure if I was moved more because I grew up in NY.  Or maybe it was because my innocence was lost that day.  I never believed we were ever in danger of a terrorist attack that could kill over 3000 lives in one day.  I still have a hard time believing it but today it all comes back to me.  It's a reality.  Like it just happened yesterday.  J is flying today but no where near NY. So much has changed since that day.  I haven't returned to see what NYC looks like without the Twin Towers.  It will never be the same.  I grew up with those buildings as the backdrop of photos from the Staten Island Ferry and from Brooklyn Heights.  From the Statue of Liberty.  I wonder what it looks like now.  I see it on TV but that's just not the same.  Maybe it's time to visit my family.  Anyway, it feels like such a sad day today. 

Wondering....

Sometimes I feel like I go through life wishing it was a day later.  Every Monday is dreaded and can't wait for it to end.  Then Tuesday goes by and I'm thankful that Wednesday will be here and it's the middle of the week.  Wednesday is good because I know I'm in the middle and at the end of the day I will be looking forward to Thursday because now I only have 2 days left till the end.  And of course, Friday comes and I ever so grateful because now I have Sat and Sun off to relax.  I feel like I wish my life away and now that I'm in my 40's I have nothing to show for it.  I've spent so much time wishing for the next day to come.  Now I'm wishing for the time to go by so we can start our next IVF treatment.  I'm excited about it but at the same time it still feels like a lifetime away.  I'm worried about so much.  Right now, it's not looking good my previous IVF getting paid for by the insurance.  The last few weeks I've talked to the RE's office and I've been getting the run around.  They knew my company was being sold and they told me the procedure would be paid for since I started treatment prior to the sale.  Now I talk to the office and I get the craziest questions.  Like implying that I had this same coverage for the entire year except my first 2 procedures were fully covered.  Then, I was asked if I changed jobs.  Really?  We talked about all this prior to anything happening and now it's all a problem. They assured me that the costs will be covered.  J said he would go to the RE's office and talk to them in person. He said we'll file an appeal and he'll work out a payment plan with the hospital.  I'm just so upset.  It's over $8.000 in medical bills that would have only cost us $250 and I think my RE's office screwed up when they said it would all be covered.  Now we are getting the run around.  I had hoped to get a loan to help pay for the next IVF but looks like I'll have to wait a bit longer and pay for it ourselves.  I wanted to start at the beginning of the year but I might have to wait till around April or May.  I've waited this long, I guess a few months more is ok. 

Anyway, J & I had an interested holiday weekend.  J has been going crazy buying cars and car parts for his projects.  Well, he took my car out to Lansing, MI to look at and buy a car.  He rented a Uhaul truck and dolly to tow the car back and left my car in Lansing.  We rented a one way car to Lansing to pick up my car.  We were almost there when I asked the loaded question.  You have the keys to the Nissan, right?  Well, the answer was no.  Now, we were so flustered we missed the exit to the airport  The rental is almost of out gas and we don't know where we are.  I start looking up Nissan dealerships on my iPhone to see if any are open.  It's 1:45 and they are closing at 2PM.  Luckily, we found a gas station.  We also called Budget rental to see what it would cost to extend the rental till the next day.  Well, that was out of the question at an extra $300.  Then we started calling locksmiths.  We found one that was open and he met us at the airport.  Took him about 30 minutes and only $85 and a sigh of relief.  Weekend came close to being a disaster but luckily it was just a small setback and ended great.  And we still have Monday to enjoy.