Researching...

Well, I'm getting discouraged with the clinic I've chosen.  I've decided to persue my interest in CNY Fertilty.  The pricing is really low and it doesn't hurt to research.  I'd like to see the donor database.  The full price with meds is at least 5K lower than NCCRM.  The stats seem a little low though.  It had 40% live birth rate for DE.  NCCRM is 64%.  That is a big difference.  I'm just getting impatient and I don't want the year to go by and not have used my FSA account.  That's 5K I could lose if not used by the end of the year.  So this is what I'm thinking.  I'm going to call NCCRM and see if they would let me go ahead and pre-pay for a cycle if it gets close to the end of the year and don't have a donor.  I would rather do a cycle by ourselves and have all the eggs for us (sounds selfish but this isn't like sharing a piece of good cake).  From my following on the DE thread, I see a lot of successes but sometimes it happens during FET and not the fresh transfer.  I feel like it would give us the best options plus if it does work the first time and we have frosties, then we may have siblings from the same donor.  And of course, I will talk to CNY sometime this week.   I guess my biggest frustration right now is that I sent the NCCRM coordinator an email last Wed asking if she had any new donors.  I never got a response back.  I'm trying to give them the benefit of the doubt.  Maybe she's out due to spring break.  Maybe she could have good news but needed to wait to confirm some information.  I just don't know.  I'm going to give her till this Wed to answer before I call her up.  I know if I continue to save my money, by Sept I should have enough to do a cycle by ourselves.  It's just the waiting is so hard right now.  My dreams are always feeling like just an arms length out of reach. 

What's next for us in the crazy, volitile world of aviation...

What's next, who really knows.  J and talked and I feel better now about everything.  Still scary but not as scary as I was thinking.  He thinks furloughs are going to start within the next few weeks.  He's going to get his stuff together and start looking.  The reality is that in 6 months, he'll either be on stuck on CDO's, reserve or even furloughed.  CDO and reserve after 4 years with a regional airline?  If he gets a job somewhere else, we will be starting over again but he might choose a voluntary furlough and retain his seniority number for a while especially if he winds up with yet another regional airline job.  Right now, he hears lots of rumors.  Maybe Delta might buy Pinnacle but that seems absurd since they sold the regionals they did own.  I don't know anymore.  It just doesn't make any sense to me anymore.  I just know that it's important to have a game plan at this point and J seems to have one.  And that makes me feel much more secure.  He came home yesterday after waiting to find out about his schedule.  No one called him back so he came home.  He thinks they forgot about him.  He said everything is in utter chaos at the headquarters.  His conversation with the training dept went something like this.  "ok, if you don't know about my schedule, then who can I talk to", "I don't know but THEY will call you back just wait at the hotel".  Who is THEY?  She didn't know.  Well, no one has called him back.  He last spoke to them on Wed.  All he needs to do is finish his checkride.  The sim wound up braking down and they couldn't finish.  I guess that's why he really wanted to come home anyway.  He would rather update his log books, resume and get stuff out there rather than wait.  Anyway, lets see where this aviation rollar coaster leads us to next.

Trying to keep a positive attitude...

I find it so hard these days but I don't want to be sad or bitter every day.  On Monday, we found out that J's company filed for bankruptcy.  What happened 6 years ago feels like yesterday.  Is history repeating itself for us?  I wish J could just get the job of his dreams and put this all behind us.  Who knew that aviation could be so toxic.  No matter how much time he puts in, he always seems two steps back.  Just once, I want us to be on the road to success.  And if this is a setback for us, what happens to my dreams of motherhood?  J says were still going to move forward.  We really need to.  I've run out of time in waiting.  Yes, women can get pregnant later with a little help but the reality is that the older I get, the more physical things can go wrong with me and go wrong while I'm pregnant.  I eat well and exercise but this is it.  We're out of time.  On another note, I'm still waiting to find my donor.  I didn't think this would take this long.  I really want to start this by summer.  We have to use our FSA account or we'll lose all that money.  I've committed to bugging the coordinator at least once a month.  It's really all I can do.  Anyway, tt's been hard to be positive at work.  It seems that some of the people I work with are very negative.  I know these people have a lot going on at home but I really feel it's important to be able to go to work each day and enjoy your day.  I try to do that every day.  I put a smile on my face and try to be cheerful.  I am cheerful.  But that's the way I'm wired.  Some of my co-workers walk with there head down to chin and a frown from ear to ear.  Another makes cracks all day about any little thing going on.  Anyway, sometimes I feel like it's wearing me down.  It kind of puts me in a bad mood. And right now that's the last thing I need to deal with. 

Ups, downs, highs, lows....

That's how I feel lately.  Every day I wake up not knowing how I'm going to feel throughout the day.  I put on a smile every day but inside I feel like I am being torn apart.  I feel so incomplete.  All I want is to be a mom.  Have a family of my own.  Year by year, month by month and I'm still not a mom and know that I need to wait a little bit longer.  I look at my savings over and over.  I keep trying to will it to grow faster but I know that's not possible.  Maybe by June, we'll be able to get this party started.  Actually, we still don't have a donor yet either.  I know it will all come together and I just need to be patient but it's so hard.  I've waited so long already and a little longer seems like an eternity.  I guess it's good to have a distraction.  I'm still working on losing weight.  I have another 10 lbs to go and I think I'll be done.  Let's hope my weight loss goal coincides with my quest for motherhood.  Till then.

The waiting game.....

Lately, I feel like all I'm doing is waiting.  Waiting till we have enough money saved, waiting for a donor to become available, waiting for the nice weather to come...etc, etc....I feel the clock ticking by and I'm always still in the waiting game.  I've watched as my friends have gotten pregnant, given birth and raised their children.  I've watched my sister raise her boys, both of my sister-in-laws raise their children.  I've watched and waited patiently for my turn.  For our turn.  Sometimes I feel like I've been trying to become a mother for so long that I don't know how I'll handle it when I get pregnant.  If I get pregnant.  I want to be positive but sometimes it's so hard.  Right now, I feel very lost.  Every aspect of my life is in disorder.  My blood sugar, my house, me.  I feel like I'm in disorder.  Will my dreams of being a mother ever really happen?  Is it a dream that is out of my reach forever?  I didn't know it was going to be this hard.  I had thought that getting pregnant would have been the easy part.  What did I do to deserve this?  Why am I so broken?  I know this is just a moment I'm having today and it will pass.  And I'll continue waiting for my turn. 

14 Years....

It's so hard to believe that J & I have been married for 14 years.  I often wonder about how we're still together after all this time.  The years seem to have flown by (no pun intended) but at the same time I recall many moments of waiting for J to come home.  We've had to live apart for nearly 10 months and then even when he was supposed to be living at home, he only managed to get home for 4 maybe 5 times a month. This has pretty much been the last 5 years.  This last year has gotten much better.  He really lives here now and we can enjoy our time together.  Our money issues have gotten better too.  We actually went out to celebrate our anniversary this year.  The last 5 years have been such a struggle so I think we really earned it.  A friend of mine mentioned a Brazilian Steakhouse that's nearby.  It was expensive but it was a special occasion so we splurged for once.  J really enjoyed it too.  I was a little annoyed with him before we left for the restaurant because we argued about me carrying his tobasco and steak sauce (his own concoction) which he said he couldn't live without.  I couldn't believe he wanted me to carry that into a nice restaurant but I knew if I didn't take it and he couldn't get the sauces he liked, then I would never hear the end of it.  So, I found a very small jar and in it went and yes, he used it....very discreetly.  Anyway, we stuffed ourselves silly with so much meat, salad, meat, bread, meat.  I think you get the drift.  Well, I was just so happy that J enjoyed himself.  Now, time to get back into my good eating habit and exercise routine.