Countdown to 12/4...

Maybe it will be easier when J is home.  Or when I'm going to work on Monday.  Right now, it's hard to focus on anything but this biopsy.  I'm just terrified.  Of the procedure and the outcome.  I hate that everyone says it's not a big deal.  Just a hollowed needle going deep into your breast to suck out tissue for samples. Which goes in like a nail gun in case you where wondering.  How does that sound?  It horrifies me.  And I'll have to feel and listen to it first hand.  Then the results come and that terrifies me as well.  It's looking more and more like SC is out of the question till I get my results back.  This setback feels like GOD is saying "you're not meant to be a mother".  J is saying it's only another month.  The reality is that anything right now hurts.  It's just so painful to see everyone build their families and we're still trying to get caught up. My friends have kids that are in high school and starting college.  Here we are still trying to get in the game.  It hardly seems fair anymore.  My emotions are all over the place and this biopsy is my worst fear happening.  Right now, wine is my best friend.  

Emotional and lost....

Things aren't going as planned.  My mammogram do-over means a biopsy needs to done.  J was with me when I went for the second mammogram.  The radiologist (a chia head Doogie Houser) delivered the bad news.  He had no bedside manner.  You have a micro calcification in your right breast and you need a biopsy.  Any questions?  I just sat there nodding and shaking my head.  Then he left.  The tech handed me something to fill out and she kept rubbing my back saying this happens often it's usually nothing.  I broke down and cried.  I'm just so emotional.  They called me by the time I got home to schedule a consult with a surgeon.  We went there today.  I'm now scheduled for a biopsy next Thursday.  My stress level is so high right now.  I feel physically drained.  I'm terrified of the procedure and the final report.   I'm supposed to go to SC on that following Monday for the hysteroscopy.  I'm not sure if I should do it or not. I still have a few days to figure that part out.  I'm just so tired and at the same time I have heart palpation's.  I don't know how to get through this.