Normal...

I often wonder what is normal.  Most people work normal days and come home every evening, make dinner, clean up, settle down and do it all over again.  And if you're married, you do that as a couple.  In my world normal is getting up alone, going to work, coming home to a house full of kitties and doing my own thing till bed.  Then other days, J is home and sleeps in till I leave for work.  I get to come home to J making dinner and scrambling to get the bed made and dishes done so I don't think he was a lazy good for nothing all day.  By the way, knowing that he does that before I get home always amuses me. 

Anyway, it's now the end of May and I just don't know when we'll be ready to do a donor cycle.  I was hoping to have a donor lined up, and another couple to do the split with by now but it's not looking good.  I've researched other clinics and even those don't seem to be working out well.  I won't give up.  It's my dream to have a family.  I'll keep researching clinics and I'll keep on calling the NC & SC clinics and continue to save as much money as possible.  I did come up with a game plan if this split cycle doesn't work out.  By Nov we should have enough to pay for a full cycle.  Hopefully, we'll have a donor in mind, and we'll go ahead and pay for the cycle.  Then we'll wait till the new year and start a new FSA account with an additional 5K and pay for the medications and monitoring.  I really wanted to do this before my birthday this year but I need to accept that's not going to happen.  Anyway, having a plan really helps me with the disappointment. 

New Clinic

Well, yesterday I got to work super early so I can get myself organized before my phone consult.  I sat by my phone at work and waited.  I was giddy and excited about this call.  I waited for 3 weeks for it.  Anyway, 8:30 came and went.  At 8:45 I called the facility and the receptionist transfered me to the Dr's nurse.  I left a message and at 9AM I went off to a status meeting.  I was close to tears but was able to hold it together till we were done.  I just couldn't believe I got stood up.  All I want is to find a clinic that will work with me.  Anyway, I got back from my meeting and the Dr called and left me a message.  He thought I was coming in for the consult and didn't realize he had to call me.  So I called back and he took my call right away.  He went through everything with me and looked through my medical history.  He then said the nurse will call me so I can get set up.  I talked to her later and feel really good so far about this clinic.  I filled out the rest of the paperwork and now I'm waiting for log in and password info for the donor portal.  I think once I see who the available donors are, we'll be able to determine what our next step is.  It's nice to talk to people that want to work with you.  I just didn't get that feeling from the NC clinic and still don't.

More roadblocks...

Infertilty week seems to have gone by.  I've read quite a few blog posts and so much of it reminds me of my life.  These last few weeks have been difficult.  J hasn't been doing well since his training ended on 4/5.  The sim broke and he didn't finish his check ride.  He finally came home a few days later and no one from the company has called him back with his new training date since then.  Anyway, a few weeks ago, J took a 5 hour energy and then another herbal supplement to help get him up and out of bed.  He's been depressed and thought that this would help and he would get back on a schedule.  Anyway, I get to work and it's about 8:45AM and he calls saying he's sick.  His heart is beating out of his chest and he thinks he's going to pass out.  I rushed home and he was pacing around the house.  Finally, he decided to go to the emergency room.  They determined that he wasn't having a heart attack and after about 5-6 hours his vitals were going back to normal.  Blood pressure, heart rate etc.  The Dr. wanted him to stay overnight but J declined since he was feeling better anyway.  So we went home and he called ALPA aeromedical the next day.  They were upset that he left the hospital AMA.  They said he needed to go for a followup.  Stress test, etc.  Well, he failed the stress test and now has to do a Nuclear (not sure if this is actually how it's spelled) test.  Basically, it's the same as the stress test except after they inject a radioactive dye and take xrays.  I'm really praying it comes out normal and he can go back to work.  Otherwise he needs to do a more invasive test (angiogram) and he would probably have to go on disability for about 3 months minimum.  He has disability but this would hurt us financially.  Not to mention that I don't want anything to be wrong with him.  I want him to be ok.  This has really scared me.  On Friday evening we were going for a drive and he got hit with the reality of what disability would do to us.  He doesn't want to put off the fertility treatments either. We are way past putting this off anymore. For years we put it off because of his career, money issues, etc.  When we did actually start trying and couldn't get pregnant, we didn't have the money for treatments.  I have a phone consult with a clinic in Mount Pleasant, SC.  They have an egg donor study right now that I qualify for and we can afford to do this without any loans.  After my consult, I'll be able to look at the donor database.  To do the study, I have to be a secondary recipient so hopefully, they have donors I would want to use.  In fact, this is the only option we have right now to do this.  I'm just praying it's the right choice for us.

Researching...

Well, I'm getting discouraged with the clinic I've chosen.  I've decided to persue my interest in CNY Fertilty.  The pricing is really low and it doesn't hurt to research.  I'd like to see the donor database.  The full price with meds is at least 5K lower than NCCRM.  The stats seem a little low though.  It had 40% live birth rate for DE.  NCCRM is 64%.  That is a big difference.  I'm just getting impatient and I don't want the year to go by and not have used my FSA account.  That's 5K I could lose if not used by the end of the year.  So this is what I'm thinking.  I'm going to call NCCRM and see if they would let me go ahead and pre-pay for a cycle if it gets close to the end of the year and don't have a donor.  I would rather do a cycle by ourselves and have all the eggs for us (sounds selfish but this isn't like sharing a piece of good cake).  From my following on the DE thread, I see a lot of successes but sometimes it happens during FET and not the fresh transfer.  I feel like it would give us the best options plus if it does work the first time and we have frosties, then we may have siblings from the same donor.  And of course, I will talk to CNY sometime this week.   I guess my biggest frustration right now is that I sent the NCCRM coordinator an email last Wed asking if she had any new donors.  I never got a response back.  I'm trying to give them the benefit of the doubt.  Maybe she's out due to spring break.  Maybe she could have good news but needed to wait to confirm some information.  I just don't know.  I'm going to give her till this Wed to answer before I call her up.  I know if I continue to save my money, by Sept I should have enough to do a cycle by ourselves.  It's just the waiting is so hard right now.  My dreams are always feeling like just an arms length out of reach. 

What's next for us in the crazy, volitile world of aviation...

What's next, who really knows.  J and talked and I feel better now about everything.  Still scary but not as scary as I was thinking.  He thinks furloughs are going to start within the next few weeks.  He's going to get his stuff together and start looking.  The reality is that in 6 months, he'll either be on stuck on CDO's, reserve or even furloughed.  CDO and reserve after 4 years with a regional airline?  If he gets a job somewhere else, we will be starting over again but he might choose a voluntary furlough and retain his seniority number for a while especially if he winds up with yet another regional airline job.  Right now, he hears lots of rumors.  Maybe Delta might buy Pinnacle but that seems absurd since they sold the regionals they did own.  I don't know anymore.  It just doesn't make any sense to me anymore.  I just know that it's important to have a game plan at this point and J seems to have one.  And that makes me feel much more secure.  He came home yesterday after waiting to find out about his schedule.  No one called him back so he came home.  He thinks they forgot about him.  He said everything is in utter chaos at the headquarters.  His conversation with the training dept went something like this.  "ok, if you don't know about my schedule, then who can I talk to", "I don't know but THEY will call you back just wait at the hotel".  Who is THEY?  She didn't know.  Well, no one has called him back.  He last spoke to them on Wed.  All he needs to do is finish his checkride.  The sim wound up braking down and they couldn't finish.  I guess that's why he really wanted to come home anyway.  He would rather update his log books, resume and get stuff out there rather than wait.  Anyway, lets see where this aviation rollar coaster leads us to next.

Trying to keep a positive attitude...

I find it so hard these days but I don't want to be sad or bitter every day.  On Monday, we found out that J's company filed for bankruptcy.  What happened 6 years ago feels like yesterday.  Is history repeating itself for us?  I wish J could just get the job of his dreams and put this all behind us.  Who knew that aviation could be so toxic.  No matter how much time he puts in, he always seems two steps back.  Just once, I want us to be on the road to success.  And if this is a setback for us, what happens to my dreams of motherhood?  J says were still going to move forward.  We really need to.  I've run out of time in waiting.  Yes, women can get pregnant later with a little help but the reality is that the older I get, the more physical things can go wrong with me and go wrong while I'm pregnant.  I eat well and exercise but this is it.  We're out of time.  On another note, I'm still waiting to find my donor.  I didn't think this would take this long.  I really want to start this by summer.  We have to use our FSA account or we'll lose all that money.  I've committed to bugging the coordinator at least once a month.  It's really all I can do.  Anyway, tt's been hard to be positive at work.  It seems that some of the people I work with are very negative.  I know these people have a lot going on at home but I really feel it's important to be able to go to work each day and enjoy your day.  I try to do that every day.  I put a smile on my face and try to be cheerful.  I am cheerful.  But that's the way I'm wired.  Some of my co-workers walk with there head down to chin and a frown from ear to ear.  Another makes cracks all day about any little thing going on.  Anyway, sometimes I feel like it's wearing me down.  It kind of puts me in a bad mood. And right now that's the last thing I need to deal with.