Overwhelmed....

Well, we had our appointment yesterday.  Not what I was expecting.  I had hoped we have an easier time of this but that is not our destiny.  If we are to be successful in having a baby then we will need to do IVF.  We are going to give it try since we do have some sort of chance.  1st month is a dry run.  No drugs invovled except possibly a 10 day supply of antibiotics.  Then I get to learn how to give myself injections of hormones.  I hope they don't make me crazy.  I'm not looking forward to that part.  I feel a little scared and emotional about the whole thing too.  Right now, anything can make me cry.  I just keep trying not to think about it but it comes back to me.  And worse than that, I really need people to be positive but sometimes they don't think.  For instance, someone tells me it will probably take a long time anyway to do this.  More than once because the first time won't work.  Why would someone say that to me.  They didn't go thru it and really don't know what can happen all because they had one friend that went thru it and happened to them this way.  Why does that mean it will happen to me.  Maybe it will work on the first try.  I need to be hopeful.  I'm feeling lost right now.  J is gone till next week so I'm all alone and feel really sad.  I wish we didn't wait so long for us to have a baby.  If we had started trying 13 years ago, things might have been different.  We might not have had these issues or maybe we would have but now I'm at the end of the line.  It's now or never.  Next step for me is menopause.  I don't think I can consider the rest of my life childless.  J says he wants kids and he has come with me to the doctors office so far.  He seems on board and knows that this is the last chance for us to have a child.  I just have so much anxiety right now.  I need to figure out how to relax.  Maybe I'll go to the gym.  It might help.

Next Steps....

Well, today is the day we find out what our options are for having a baby.  I think everything will be alright.  Maybe.  I don't know.  I have been anxiously waiting for this appointment to arrive.  I have tried not to think about it, stress about it, worry about it and now we'll know by the afternoon what is going to happen.  I'm worried about having to give myself hormone shots.  I don't know if I can do it.  I once stabbed myself by accident with my cats diabetic needle.  It made me cry for a second.  If it hurts like that I don't know what I'll do.  I guess one step at a time.  Need to find out what the doctor has in mind first.  Then, I can freak out about shots I may need to give myself.  Yuck. 

Ok, enough of that.  J has been home more often in October and it was great.  It's also great now that I don't have to drive him to the airport and back all the time.  It was so exhausting for the last 2 years.  Trying to figure out how to leave work and pick him up so he didn't have to stay at the airport too long.  Getting up at 4AM to drop him off at the airport and me arriving at my job at 7AM when I don't have to be in till 8:30.  I hated it.  I was exhausted all the time.  Always on the run to airport, needing to fill up my gas tank.  I wish we lived closer to airport and it wouldn't be such a haul.  Right now, from my home, it takes 45 minutes.  From my job it takes 50 minutes.  Either way it sucks but I don't have to do it anymore.  Unless, he drives to his base and then flies home.  We'll cross that bridge when we get to it.  Anyway, looks like November may not be that great.  He'll be home once a week for a full day as long as he has no commute issues (ha, who am I kidding...it's November and I can smell the snow coming now).  And of course, he is working on Thanksgiving so I'll be home alone.  We may celebrate on Tuesday (if he gets home) because he needs to fly back on Wed.  Oh well, maybe next year I can go visit family on Thanksgiving.  We'll see what next year brings.

Moving Forward.....

The last 5 years have been hard on us.  It's hard to believe that 5 years have passed since our lives changed.  I got laid off at my job, J's company went bankrupt and shut down.  We've been struggling ever since.  We've had our own bankruptcy to deal with and have been trying to re-build ever since.  J even had to take a job back in VA while I stayed here and held down the fort at the home front.  Luckily that was only for about 10 months.  He got a job with a regional airline just before all the companies stopped hiring. He's twittered on the edge of reserve for the last two years.  Gratefully, we were happy that he had a job but no movement in the seniority list for these last two years have been gruelling.  Thank god that hiring has finally started again. 



Another big movement for us is that we are finally moving forward, aggressively, with trying to have a baby.  I've had lots of testing done and now I am waiting to find out what the doctor has in mind to assist us in getting pregnant.  I can't wait.  It's been hard for me.  I'm in my 40's now and know my time is running out.  Even my doctor said something to me about it.  It really got me scared to move on this.  If J was home on a regular basis this wouldn't be as much of an issue because it doesn't look like anything is wrong with either of us.  But he is rarely home because of his low seniority number and bad schedules and I don't have time to wait for a good schedule to come along.  It's now or never.