Struggles...

I love J but he doesn't always realize he's doing damage to our daughter.  He keeps commenting that he doesn't know how long he'll live like this.  She hears this and I can only imagine whats going on her brain.  She's been super clingy too. I want Daddy, running into Daddy's room, I need Daddy.  It's been over and over again and he says something not right with her.  I want to say, it's you.  You keep telling her it's over for you and you are not going to live much longer.  Every car ride you talk about it with me in the front and her in the back and she hears it.  I say stop.  I don't respond to it anymore.  If I say don't say that, he gets mad and loses it.  It scares me as well.  I'm not immune to his impending death.  I think if keep saying it over and over, eventually you'll accomplish the goal of dying.  Always so negative.  I want my little girl to be ok but he scares me.  And I'm at a loss at how to get him to stop.

So far so good...

This has been G's first week at the new daycare.  So far we like what we see in the place.  The person who runs it, has a child with ADHD and understands all too well.  She's a published author on a childrens book about ADHD.  It's on my list to order.  It's called "My Running Mind" and I'm purchasing it on Amazon.  If anyone is interested in it, I've linked it to the amazon page.  They seem chaotic but yet have total control over the children.  G has been having issues and we've been seeing her in the zone lately.  But they handled it so well.  So much better than just "your daughter is really aggressive"  I keep thinking of that comment and it gets me super angry.  These people are in the business of taking care of children and G is a child.  Have they never managed a child that has ADHD?  I guess they like to be selective with the children they get.  Only those that sit still.  We won't talk about the little boy that asked G if she wanted to see his weenie?  That was G's fault too.  I keep wondering where the adults were while this and other things were going on.  Well, keep praying for my little one and that she's now at the daycare she fits in well with.

The new daycare...

So G started her new daycare.  So far so good.  J thinks its too chaotic and she'll get bad habits there.  Maybe, maybe not.  But she got herself booted from the last one and that's the reality. J is always losing it these days.  She doesn't do what she's supposed to do and he yells that he's going to die soon.  I don't think that's good for her to hear and I'm not sure why he doesn't get it.  He keeps saying it to me as well and it gives me a lot of stress.  He doesn't feel well so everyone has to suffer.  Honestly, I think he'll accomplish dying if he doesn't stop saying it. He is always he should have done this or should have done that.  I'm surprised I'm still alive with the amount of stress he's put me through.  Anyway, G had an episode this morning and all this came up.  She can't control herself and you can say it to her over and over and she doesn't get it.

J is home and new daycare for G tomorrow...

I'm praying for her.  She knows she caused this to happen.  When you have an adult that is not compassionate and doesn't want to help a child, there is nothing you can do.  G is 6 years old.  She's smart but immature.  She doesn't know how to regulate herself.  She knows right from wrong but craves acceptance.  So when someone is giving her acceptance, it's ok to do the wrong thing.  This is what she's thinking in her brain.  It's not the right way.  We need to get her to understand that.  So even though there were other players in the mix of doing wrong, G is the one that got booted.  It breaks my heart because she doesn't understand how she was singled out.  Even when I explain it to her she doesn't get it.  Not totally.  She was always one step away from being dismissed.  The lady said it to me.  G is aggressive.  But the teacher said she was fine.  Two stories about one child.  G didn't mean to hurt anyone.  I'm not sure how a childs scissors can cut someone but if 3 children were playing with the scissors and one of these kids got hurt how did G get blamed for the entire episode.  Lots of unanswered questions but it really doesn't matter.  She has a new daycare tomorrow.  So I'm praying for her.  Praying she behaves well.  Praying she finds friends and acceptance.  Praying she makes good choices.  

Another daycare bites the dust...

It's hard to say what happened.  The teacher didn't say G hurt anyone but they were playing with scissors and someone got hurt. So off to Brain Balance and then they called as her session was ending early because G wet herself.  I had J call them back as I didn't want to talk to them.  They said a little girl was hurt and her parents were very upset and G is now not allowed to return to the daycare.  G said they were both playing with the scissors and throwing them and she didn't know how she got hurt.  But G is being blamed for it.  So there it is. This lady said she didn't want G there so now she isn't.  I don't think it's fair and I'm sure she isn't the only one so let her find out.  I know G isn't a perfect little girl.  My heart breaks for her.  I don't want her to think she's no good.  I want her to grow up and realize there are consequences.  She needs to make better decisions.  She needs to know right from wrong and not go down the path of wrong because others are doing it.  How do I get her to understand that?  How do I get through to her?

Monday night therapy...

So yesterday afternoon, J picked up G early.  We went to see her previous therapist.  He knows her so it was a good choice to make.  G likes to please people but doesn't understand that someone being a friend doesn't ask you to do things that aren't appropriate.  We just need to keep on reminding her about that.  We and her therapist believe it was initiated by the boy.  I don't know what goes on in his home nor do I care.  I care about what my daughter does.  Her actions and behaviors is what's important right now.  We did giver her the tablet for the ride but again, she just can't handle it.  She can't regulate herself to realize how it impacts her. So no tablet for now.   Let's hope for an uneventful week for G other than her having fun.

J is home and the story gets crazy...

So J came home on Friday.  He went to pick her up at the daycare with the hope of talking to that lady that has it out for G.  She was gone for the day so J talked to her teacher.  He told her what's going on and she was shocked.  She was the one who saw the boy and G doing something inappropriate.  She didn't think it was as bad as was relayed to us.  J also mentioned that the documentation is being used as a report to get G dismissed.  I was the one who asked for the reports so I can know what to talk to her therapist about when we finally get one.  This lady said to me we'll see how it goes and if in a couple of weeks we'll talk about unenrollment.  So why am I paranoid?  This is why.  Why am I stressed? This is why.  Her teacher said she had a pretty much perfect day.  Everything went so well.  Her teacher had no idea the reports were being used like that.  I should ask her to also document when she's having a wonderful day and just being a little girl enjoying her life.  I hate this woman right now.  G isn't a troublemaker.  She's a 6 year old little girl.  She's smart. She's sassy. She's outgoing. And she's the class clown but she's loving and sweet.  She wants to do everything herself but when she can't get's angry.  We are working on that.  We are working on her ADHD.  Small steps.  I feel like there are so many judgemental people out there.  G doesn't conform to what others want her to be and that frustrates them.  When you think you'll get one reaction, you wind up getting another.  But nothing is wrong with her that would justify being singled out like she is.  Please pray for my little girl.  She doesn't need to be treated like this.  

Waiting for the shoe to drop...

Yes, that's how I'm feeling right now. Today they had a field trip to a movie.  I'm worried.  She can't sit still for long and I'm sure it'll be used against her.  I found a poem and I can't stop listening to the words on the ballad put together.  I wound up creating a reel on facebook and I've been listening to the words over and over.

Wild Child by Jessica Ulrich

Pray for my daughter, pray for my family.  I want her to grow up to be a happy, successful, well-rounded woman.  I don't want these things to affect her but i'm afraid it will.  

My heart hurts for her…

 I love my little girl so much.  Lately she has been making bad choices.  At daycare a little boy wanted her to kiss his weenie.  They made a game of it and she isn’t 100 percent understanding what she did wrong. He’s her friend and she thinks it’s ok to go that.  Now the lady at daycare is picking G apart for anything that happens.  The teachers write reports and this lady blows them out of proportion.  I’m scared for her.  I feel like she’s disgusted with G and wants her gone from the daycare.  J is feeling that too.  I worry how she’ll feel if they kick her out and we need to find another daycare.  G is smart but she’s immature for her age.  We’re working to improve that but singling her out like this isn’t right.  J is coming home tomorrow and will go speak to this lady directly.  Right now I’m too emotional about it.  I need to know what path to take.  I’m praying G-d can show me the way

Unsure about what happened yesterday...

Yesterday we went to the pool party.  It was nice but really crowded and G met some of her school friends at the pool and really enjoyed herself.  It went downhill from there.  Crying and not listening well at all.  Somewhat improved after eating.  Got her into a bath and I did some cleaning up while she played in the tub.  Dried her hair and we read a book together (she's doing so well with that) and watched a show on youtube for a few minutes before putting her to bed.  However, she didn't go to bed.  She couldn't sleep and kept getting up and coming in my room.  Can I go potty, can we have perogies, I hear a woodpecker at my window, I hear booming (fireworks).  This went on all night till she came in and asked if she can sleep in my room.  When she settled down, she didn't settle down.  Legs up and down.  I finally put the TV on because it was apparent no sleeping was happening.  I can't have another night like this.  It made me angry and I was angry with her. And of course, she cried when she got up because she was so freaking tired.  I need to figure out what to do.  I took away her tablet but her motor wouldn't stop.  I purchased some supplements and hoping this will help her get settled down.  Please pray for us.

The weekend...

It's been an interesting weekend so far.  G got up yesterday and spent some time on the tablet before breakfast.  It went downhill from there.  She was so out of control.  We are both seeing how the tablet is affecting her behavior.  She was getting a medal at her gymnastics class yesterday and it was looking like we wouldn't be going. She was totally out of control and at one point, J wanted me to stay and sit in the training room (we call it that instead of time out now) but I screamed "I need a break".  My adrenaline was pumping and I was close to losing it with her.  He got the point. So we decided to stop the tablet for the weekend.  She can watch some videos right before bed while I scratch her back.  We already set limits to 1 hour/day durning the week and 2 hours/day on weekend.  But she needs even less than that and definitely not in the morning.  

On another note, I have changed the name of my facebook business page to Healthy Womens Lifestyle and put a new post introducing my niche.  People didn't follow me for this so I wanted to be transparent with my intentions.  I'm excited about it but still have some work to do on my website before it's fully finished.

My first canning project...

I'm so excited.  Today I didn't start off well today.  I was feeling down and depressed.  Nearly at tears every once in a while.  I'm not sure why.  Just so many negative thoughts crossing my mind.  Anyway, in the last month, I've been intrigued at canning.  I would love to grow my own vegetables but it's not in the cards right now till we have a house we own.  So I went in search of tomatoes for my first project.  Canning crushed tomatoes.  I bought about 20 lbs of roma tomatoes and basically spent the rest of my afternoon preparing, cooking and canning tomatoes.  I made 5 jars and here is a pic of them below.  I have 3 more in the canner and should be ready soon to remove.  I was careful to follow a lab tested recipe from Ball so it would be safe to consume with risk. I was torn between working on my affiliate business, cleaning or canning.  Since it will be next to impossible to do this with G around, I decided to do the canning.  I've always wanted to try it and we'll see how it comes out. So far so good. I have another recipe I want to try next and it's still waterbath canning.  

Last week of school..

I can't believe my little girl made a full year in school.  She wore the same outfit as her first day and you can see the difference.  In less than one year, she's grown up.  This weekend we have her awards for her gymnastics class and Monday is Memorial Day and there is a pool party to attend.  She loves the pool.  I got some fun things for the pool for her to play with. I hope she likes it.  Today, she met her First Grade teacher.  I can't wait to find out who it is.  

On to my next topic.  I'm still working out the content for my Affiliate Marketing Business.  Writing an article or blog post isn't easy when you need to do research to figure it all out.  I feel like I'm back in school writing essays again.  Whoop whoop.  But this will get me to my end result which is to own my own affiliate marketing business and make money doing it.  In the end I'll do it because I refuse to quit.  And my family needs this.  I worry about the future so much lately.  We're getting low on funds till J goes back to work.  So much so, that it keeps me up at night.  If this works out, it can be a second source of money to help pay down debts or save for G's education.  I just want to make sure I have enough content for about a month.  Then, I can promote on my facebook page to get people to view and hopefully follow.  

I still have some learning to do but taking my time to make sure I do it correctly.  

Here are some pics of my little sassy girl. Her face has thinned out

My Mom update

Yesterday my mom had a pacemaker put in.  I was told it went ok and she’s ok.  She spent the night in the ER instead of a room.  I remember why I left NY.  My poor mom was basically up all night long.  I'm happy as long as she's ok.  I'll call my sister today to find out more information. 

On another subject, my daughter has been out of control.  According to Brain Balance, she's in a downward trend but it will get better.  We have an observation on Monday and we can watch and ask questions.  This morning when we were getting dressed, she was just hyper out of control.  Couldn't stop moving.  I took her just the way she was (naked) and put her in the chair in the other room.  She was crying because she was cold so I grabbed a small blanket.  I sat with her and asked her to breath deep and look out at the trees. See the yellow leaves among the green.  Listen to the bird talking.  Telling her she has to be quiet if she wants to hear them talking.  It seemed to work.  We were able to continue geting dressed, brushing hair, eating breakfast with minimal problems.  No tablet this morning.  And she didn't ask.  She did so well.  I was impressed with the improvement.  

Some good news and some bad...

I like good news first.  J talked to someone at the LTD office and explained everything to them.  They wanted him to apply for permanent disability or they would only pay a few hundred dollars per month instead of the full entitlement.  They agreed with him that it would be a conflict at this point since he's working at going back to work in about 4 months.  He has some more app at the beginning of June and then the full paperwork can go to the FAA to be reviewed and approved.  He's met each criteria on the checklist and getting the doctors notes as they've asked.  The FAA takes an additional 2 months to approve but I don't see any issues with that.  I'm just grateful he found someone to listen to him.

The bad news.  My sister called me a short time ago.  My mom passed out in Macy's. It's happened before but the doctors could never figure out why.  This time, when the ambulance showed up, they noticed her heart beat was irregular.  Tomorrow she'll be getting a pacemaker.  It's so upsetting.  I wish I can go and visit right now but that's not possible.  I need to plan it out.  But it'll be soon.  

Grateful for step-by-step...

I must say how grateful I am for step-by-step videos.  I'm glad I can rewind and watch it over and over.  Also, so frustrating is that the sites change the way they look so it looks different from what I'm seeing in the videos.  But it seems to be working.  Slowly.  

On another note, Mother's Day was special.  G made something in daycare and it was so awesome.  She wrote "All about my Mom".  I read it and we both had a good laugh.  This was on Friday night.  It was just the two of us and we went to a pizza place to eat out.  She asked for an orange soda and chips while we waited for our pizza. She was so good in there.  Then when we left she asked for a cookie.  I did request she eat it at home but she argued with me.  I had to go get milk for her and she doesn't know how to let things go.  I really wanted her to wait till we got home but she just went on and on. So I gave her the cookie to eat.  I probably should have stuck to my wishes but I try and pick my battles.  The rest of the night went well.  She was tired.  J came home on Saturay, late afternoon while G and I were at the pool.  She really loves the pool.  After about 2 hours we had to leave.  On Mother's day morning, G and J went out and got me breakfast from McDonalds which was lovely.  Then they went out again and came back with a cake that G requested for me.  Rainbow around the cake with white icing.  2 roses and fancy writing.  Strawberry filling.  YUMMY.  We waited to eat till after dinner.  And yes, we had another 2 hours at the pool.  Love the pool.  Love the splashpad.  

Now if Brain Balance therapy would just start working, we'd be in good shape.