Next Steps...

It's been awhile since my last post.  Lately I'm having moments of happiness, then sadness, moments of hope, then despair.  I do think I've been through some sort of depression these past few years.  Infertility has consumed my life and it's so frustrating.  Will getting pregnant and having a baby solve that?  Who knows anymore.  I've been trying to have a baby for so long that sometimes I can't even imagine it actually happening and yet I can't imagine the rest of my life without children being part of it all. 

I finally had my consult in SC.  It went fairly well along with some comical moments and a little loss of dignity.  I'll do whatever I need to do so my dream of motherhood comes true.  One of the comical moments happened in the waiting area.  We got there and checked in.  Another couple was there with a set of twins. They eventually left.  About five minutes later another couple comes in with another set of twins.  I can see J's eyes looking over at them, then looking over at me and back at them.  J looks at me and says, "OMG, it's a twin factory".  I don't think it really dawned on him till that moment that if we transfer 2 embryos, we could have 2 babies.  Reality check for J.  I have considered the option that we do a single embryo transfer if the Dr thinks it will work.  We'll see when the time comes.  As of now, the transfer is scheduled for the end of Oct.  Donor will be having the retrieval this weekend.  I'll find out how many eggs I have then and they will be frozen till we go down in Oct.  Hopefully, she'll have lots of eggs retrieved.  My nurse told me the donor is doing well so far.  I just need to get thru Aug and Sept and then I'll start my meds.  Time will go quickly then. 

Till then and to help pass the time, I'm thinking of visiting my parents at the end of Aug.  My parents aren't getting any younger and I haven't been home to visit in 6 years.  It's long overdue.  I think I can actually use my non-rev benefits for this one.  My sister has agreed to pick me up at LGA so it won't cost me anything and they really want me to visit and so do I.  NY Pizza here I come. 

It's been awhile....

I haven't written for awhile now and I'm not sure why.  Well, maybe I am sure why.  I feel like if I put it down on paper (or blog) it will change somehow.  That I'm going to jinx it somehow.  Crazy isn't it?  It does happen a lot since you have the depend on this donor to do her end.  And pray that she has enough eggs for both of us.  Anyway, so you can figure out that I found a donor and I started BCP (those things are really evil) a few weeks ago.  We have our consult set up in Charleston at the end of July.  Of course it's always a challenge with J's schedule.  We managed to get in between his days off and unfortunately, he doesn't more than day at home before going back to work.  Anyway, my nurse said the donor's retrieval is going to be around Aug 2nd and our half of the eggs will be frozen. This will give us the opportunity to save more money but I want to get this show on the road already.  Of course right after I picked a donor and get started, I get a call from NC with a donor option.  J and I decided that we will try this study 1st then, if it doesn't work out, move back on to the NC clinic.  If they had bothered to return calls and emails I might not have even looked any further.  So maybe it was a blessing that they did.  I really hope so and pray we are making the right choice. 

Normal...

I often wonder what is normal.  Most people work normal days and come home every evening, make dinner, clean up, settle down and do it all over again.  And if you're married, you do that as a couple.  In my world normal is getting up alone, going to work, coming home to a house full of kitties and doing my own thing till bed.  Then other days, J is home and sleeps in till I leave for work.  I get to come home to J making dinner and scrambling to get the bed made and dishes done so I don't think he was a lazy good for nothing all day.  By the way, knowing that he does that before I get home always amuses me. 

Anyway, it's now the end of May and I just don't know when we'll be ready to do a donor cycle.  I was hoping to have a donor lined up, and another couple to do the split with by now but it's not looking good.  I've researched other clinics and even those don't seem to be working out well.  I won't give up.  It's my dream to have a family.  I'll keep researching clinics and I'll keep on calling the NC & SC clinics and continue to save as much money as possible.  I did come up with a game plan if this split cycle doesn't work out.  By Nov we should have enough to pay for a full cycle.  Hopefully, we'll have a donor in mind, and we'll go ahead and pay for the cycle.  Then we'll wait till the new year and start a new FSA account with an additional 5K and pay for the medications and monitoring.  I really wanted to do this before my birthday this year but I need to accept that's not going to happen.  Anyway, having a plan really helps me with the disappointment. 

New Clinic

Well, yesterday I got to work super early so I can get myself organized before my phone consult.  I sat by my phone at work and waited.  I was giddy and excited about this call.  I waited for 3 weeks for it.  Anyway, 8:30 came and went.  At 8:45 I called the facility and the receptionist transfered me to the Dr's nurse.  I left a message and at 9AM I went off to a status meeting.  I was close to tears but was able to hold it together till we were done.  I just couldn't believe I got stood up.  All I want is to find a clinic that will work with me.  Anyway, I got back from my meeting and the Dr called and left me a message.  He thought I was coming in for the consult and didn't realize he had to call me.  So I called back and he took my call right away.  He went through everything with me and looked through my medical history.  He then said the nurse will call me so I can get set up.  I talked to her later and feel really good so far about this clinic.  I filled out the rest of the paperwork and now I'm waiting for log in and password info for the donor portal.  I think once I see who the available donors are, we'll be able to determine what our next step is.  It's nice to talk to people that want to work with you.  I just didn't get that feeling from the NC clinic and still don't.

More roadblocks...

Infertilty week seems to have gone by.  I've read quite a few blog posts and so much of it reminds me of my life.  These last few weeks have been difficult.  J hasn't been doing well since his training ended on 4/5.  The sim broke and he didn't finish his check ride.  He finally came home a few days later and no one from the company has called him back with his new training date since then.  Anyway, a few weeks ago, J took a 5 hour energy and then another herbal supplement to help get him up and out of bed.  He's been depressed and thought that this would help and he would get back on a schedule.  Anyway, I get to work and it's about 8:45AM and he calls saying he's sick.  His heart is beating out of his chest and he thinks he's going to pass out.  I rushed home and he was pacing around the house.  Finally, he decided to go to the emergency room.  They determined that he wasn't having a heart attack and after about 5-6 hours his vitals were going back to normal.  Blood pressure, heart rate etc.  The Dr. wanted him to stay overnight but J declined since he was feeling better anyway.  So we went home and he called ALPA aeromedical the next day.  They were upset that he left the hospital AMA.  They said he needed to go for a followup.  Stress test, etc.  Well, he failed the stress test and now has to do a Nuclear (not sure if this is actually how it's spelled) test.  Basically, it's the same as the stress test except after they inject a radioactive dye and take xrays.  I'm really praying it comes out normal and he can go back to work.  Otherwise he needs to do a more invasive test (angiogram) and he would probably have to go on disability for about 3 months minimum.  He has disability but this would hurt us financially.  Not to mention that I don't want anything to be wrong with him.  I want him to be ok.  This has really scared me.  On Friday evening we were going for a drive and he got hit with the reality of what disability would do to us.  He doesn't want to put off the fertility treatments either. We are way past putting this off anymore. For years we put it off because of his career, money issues, etc.  When we did actually start trying and couldn't get pregnant, we didn't have the money for treatments.  I have a phone consult with a clinic in Mount Pleasant, SC.  They have an egg donor study right now that I qualify for and we can afford to do this without any loans.  After my consult, I'll be able to look at the donor database.  To do the study, I have to be a secondary recipient so hopefully, they have donors I would want to use.  In fact, this is the only option we have right now to do this.  I'm just praying it's the right choice for us.

Researching...

Well, I'm getting discouraged with the clinic I've chosen.  I've decided to persue my interest in CNY Fertilty.  The pricing is really low and it doesn't hurt to research.  I'd like to see the donor database.  The full price with meds is at least 5K lower than NCCRM.  The stats seem a little low though.  It had 40% live birth rate for DE.  NCCRM is 64%.  That is a big difference.  I'm just getting impatient and I don't want the year to go by and not have used my FSA account.  That's 5K I could lose if not used by the end of the year.  So this is what I'm thinking.  I'm going to call NCCRM and see if they would let me go ahead and pre-pay for a cycle if it gets close to the end of the year and don't have a donor.  I would rather do a cycle by ourselves and have all the eggs for us (sounds selfish but this isn't like sharing a piece of good cake).  From my following on the DE thread, I see a lot of successes but sometimes it happens during FET and not the fresh transfer.  I feel like it would give us the best options plus if it does work the first time and we have frosties, then we may have siblings from the same donor.  And of course, I will talk to CNY sometime this week.   I guess my biggest frustration right now is that I sent the NCCRM coordinator an email last Wed asking if she had any new donors.  I never got a response back.  I'm trying to give them the benefit of the doubt.  Maybe she's out due to spring break.  Maybe she could have good news but needed to wait to confirm some information.  I just don't know.  I'm going to give her till this Wed to answer before I call her up.  I know if I continue to save my money, by Sept I should have enough to do a cycle by ourselves.  It's just the waiting is so hard right now.  My dreams are always feeling like just an arms length out of reach.