J has left for work and now I'm alone....

It's been nice being home together all this time.  I've been pretty much stress free since the transfer.  I've slept when I felt like it. Got up when I felt like it.  Although, today was different.  J had to get up at 4AM which was really 5AM (thank goodness).  Of course, I've been up since then.  He won't be home till Friday so it will be an interesting week alone and going back to work.  One of my co-workers texted me and told me to find her when I get in.  She said something happened on Friday and she wants to talk to me.  I couldn't convince her to tell me anything so I have to wait. 

The other thing is that I've had such fatigue since I had the transfer.  Most likely from the huge amount of progesterone that says it may cause drowsiness.  I'm not sure how I'll get through a day of work with this fatigue but I'll manage.  And hopefully, one day this week, I'll be pleasantly surprised.  I have been POAS since yesterday but it's been negative.  I expected it to be.  I think the earliest would be tomorrow if I'm lucky.  Of course, even if all my HPT's are negative, the final result is the HCG blood test on Friday.  That's the one that counts and you never know as each woman's level of HCG can be different.   I'm so glad J will be coming home on that day. 

Almost the end of my vacation...

Well, my office believes I'm on vacation but this has been anything but a vacation.  Some know what I was doing this week but most people just think I took a trip with J.  I've been napping and resting as much as possible.  On 11/9 I'll get my official beta but I did go out today and buy some HPT's.  I'm not sure yet when I'll start peeing on a stick (POAS).  I'm itching to start now but it's only been a total of 7 days since the eggs were fertilized.  Perhaps I'll start on Sunday.  I wish we could know right away.  I examine every twinge, pinch, cramp I get. 

Bad news...

I'm feeling rather sad right now.  I found out our remaining embryos arrested.  I'm hoping and praying the ones they tranferred are still growing.  It's so hard to deal with all this but J and I talked about our options.  First, I guess I'll find out if the other recipient got pregnant and still is.  If so, J and I will look into embryo donation.  He doesn't want to waste any more time by trying to go through this again if it's his sperm that is the problem.  Right now, I'm just going to continue my medication and pray that my embryos will be ok.

PUPO and hopeful....

Well, I'm officially PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise).  We wound up doing the transfer yesterday.  They transferred 2 embryos (one 8 cell, one 7 cell).  The remainder of the embryos are growing at a slower rate which is why my Dr wanted to do the transfer on day 3.  I'm still hopeful that this will bring home my baby.  I'm hoping to find out about the other embryos sometime tomorrow.  I'm praying that we'll have some frosties to give us some siblings but the fact that they were growing a bit slower wasn't a good sign.  It's a good thing J was with me, because that diazapan had my head spinning and I couldn't retain what the Dr was saying to us.  I looked so out of it plus, my bladder was so full I had to pee and fill 2 cups and then stop.  I'm not sure what's worse, in pain from an overfilled bladder or trying to pee and stop midstream. Being that I was pretty much stoned on valium, I almost forgot to stop peeing.  Anyway, the fun waiting game begins. 

Another day of waiting...

J did his deed today at the clinic.  Tomorrow we hear how our embies are doing and what day we're going to transfer.  I'm so nervous, anxious, excited, happy and giddy all at once.  I've waited so long and all I can really do is pray because this is truly in God's hands at this point.  Even the hurricane seems to be moving in a direction that won't cause us to delay anything. 

So far, we're on track....

Yay.  My body is cooperating and doing what it's supposed to do.  I'm so ready for a good nights sleep.  Next step is for J to get to SC tomorrow.  His part needs to be done at 8AM and then on Sat we find out how our precious embryos are doing.  Deep breath in and out, repeat.  I'm so nervous about all of this.  I'm praying for my eggs, embryos and future babies. 

Tomorrow is judgement day....

Well, maybe not but I will be finding out how the meds are treating my body.  I'm praying that my ultrasound shows a nice thick lining and ready for developing baby.  I've been so stressed about this working out exactly like they planned.  J said if anything goes wrong, he'll go to the chief pilot and talk to him and see what they can do.  He said he'll do reserve or whatever it takes.  I really needed to hear that.  Now, I need him to learn how to do injections.  I'll have to start progesterone injections and my nurse mentioned about teaching him.  I think I can do one side but not the other.  Then again, I've never done this injection myself.  But I might be asking one of my co-workers for help a few times a week since J will be gone for most of November anyway.  Well, I'm trying not to think about the PIO shot too much.  I'll stress myself out if I do.  I just want to get through tomorrow, get good news in the afternoon and then finish the week and not think about my job.  I think something must be happening.  I've been getting some wierd feelings in my uterus.  A dull cramping and my abdomen is sensitive.  I'm up to 6mg of Estrace so we'll see.  Well, tomorrow will be a super early day for me so I think I'll get as much ready tonight as I can.  Hopefully, I hear the good news I'm hoping for. 

Finally started.....

It feels like this year has been the longest ever but still the shortest ever.  I'm finally on meds.  1st was BCP's and then I started Lupron injections on 10/4. On 10/12 I started Estrace.  I've been having fatigue and killer headaches but I'm keeping my eye on the prize and praying that this time we are successful.  I still have lots of panic and nightmares though.  I keep dreaming things are going to go wrong.  It's so hard when it's all out of your control.  I take the drugs when they tell me to, get monitoring when I'm told, and I'll do my transfer when I'm told.  I'm just hoping my uterus cooperates.  I'm so scared things won't go on schedule.  J is due to fly to SC on 10/26 to fertilize our eggs.  Then we are going down again on 10/28.  Transfer is either 10/29 or 10/31.  It's all planned but what if the timing is off.  All these what if's keep going through my mind all the time.  What if my body is a week behind schedule.  J has the end of the month off and I can't just take days off on a whim.  What if the eggs don't survive the thaw.  What if J's sperm doesn't fertilize the eggs.  What if the embryos that do fertilize don't make it to day three.  I'm so terrified of it all.  J asked me if we had a plan if for some reason the eggs don't fertilize with his sperm and I figure our last option is embryo donation.  It's really all we can afford to do after this.  But, I'm trying to be hopeful about this.  My RE said they've had great success with this and I just read a story about him being the first doctor in SC to use frozen eggs with successful pregnancies through delivery.  One set of twins and a singleton birth.  I just need to try to focus on those positives and try to get those nightmares out of my head right now. Also would be nice if the  hot flashes and headaches would stop.  Darn Lupron. 

Family Visit

This past weekend I went to visit my family in NY. It's been 6 years since I've seen everyone. My sister and mom have mentioned that my dad isn't doing too well. In fact my sister says the same about my mom but I think she's just fine. Anyway, I used J's flight benefits. I don't do it often and in fact have only used them once before. Everything went very well. No problems getting checked in and in fact, I even got to sit in first class in both directions. It was nice seeing everyone but 4 days was enough. My family hasn't changed one bit other than getting older. I even told my older sister about my fertility issues. She had fertility issues too although they are different than mine. She said she wouldn't say anything to anyone. For the last 5 years all I've wanted was to just tell them the good news that I'm pregnant but it never happened. Just two more months and we will be in SC for the transfer. Right now it feels like it's going to take forever to get here.