A Happy New Years Eve...

Well, this year has been rather crappy.  Last Thursday, my Dad collapsed and my sisters called the ambulance.  He was severely dehydrated and had an infection in his gut.  My plan was to go visit in January. On my way home from work, I spoke with my sister.  He had a tube in his throat but was stable.  When I got home, J was making us dinner and I was enjoying a glass of wine,.  Much needed since I was a wreck not knowing how my Dad was.  Anyway, I got another call from my sister and apparently my Dad's blood pressure dropped drastically and his heart rate went down to 30.  Hospital called and wanted to know if they should resuscitate.  She didn't think he'd make it through the night.  When I got home from work, J was insisting that we go to NY the next day.  My supervisor is on vacation and I was in charge while she was out but J was right and after that call, I was convinced I was going to a funeral.  The next day we threw stuff into suitcases, listed ourselves on the flight, reserved a car rental and hotel.  We got to the hospital at 8:30 PM and my Dad was still with us.  The PA explained what resuscitation meant and I spoke to my sister about it.  She spoke to my Mom and a DNR was signed.  My Dad had tubes going down his throat and looked  just so awful.  He didn't really wake up that night.  It was hard not to cry in there but I didn't want to risk him hearing me cry.  Just in case.  The nurses kept reiterating how sick he was.  The next day he opened his eyes and looked around. Then the Dr's asked us about putting in a tr-ache.  In the end we decided that wouldn't be an option.  Right now, he is breathing on his own and tomorrow he is being moved to a regular room.  But if he gets very sick again, they are only going to give him morphine to make him comfortable and let nature takes it course.  Right now he is on the mend but they think in the future he will aspirate saliva into his lungs and wind up with pneumonia.  Maybe not today or tomorrow but sometime in the future.  I'm glad we didn't have to plan my Dad's funeral but now we are looking for nursing homes for him.  Not that losing him in the future will be any less painful but not realizing how sick he was and how close to death he was puts everything in perspective.  I remember when my cousins died.  My Mom called me and said someone had died.  I remember thinking, my Aunt or Uncle but not my cousins.  They were only 50.  And it was a freak accident to boot.  I remember how devastating it felt.  And this felt the same way.  I am grateful that I had the chance to see my Dad.  That he looked at me today and even though he is still so sick, I saw a glimpse of the cocky look I used to get from my Dad.  Just for that split second, it was my Dad in there.  He knew who I was.  As difficult as 2013 has been, today, on the last day of the year, my Dad looked at me and knew me. That made 2013 the best year ever.

Happy New Year!! 

Goodbye 2013...Hello 2014

Daddy....

This isn't a post about starting a family today.  Its about my Daddy.  He's had Parkinson's since I've been in my 20's.  He was ok back then.  In the last few years my mom has told me that he's not doing too well.  I hadn't visited in 5 years so I made the visit to see my family 2 years ago.  I went again last year and I told my sister that J and I will be coming to visit in January.  I just want to see him while I know he still knows who I am.  They are thinking he has dementia.  My sister and mom have to stay in the basement with him all night.  He has gotten violent.  Kicking and hitting.  I just don't understand why they have to wait till January.  Can't they get to see the doctor sooner?  My family is always accepting of things.  They don't empower themselves to fight for better.  It's always the same comments "that's how it is".  My feeling is that they should argue a little.  Call everyday and see if there are any cancellations and see if he can come in sooner.  This could be the difference between my Dad knowing what's going on and not.  It's important. And I hate they my family is all accepting of everything.  "It is how it is".  A phrase I've heard my whole life from my family.  I don't want to think like that. My life, growing up in the Bronx, is a lifetime away for me.  My life is completely different.  I grew up in an apartment building 26 stories high.  Our one car was located in a garage across a green-way.  Buses and subways were my transportation for the most part.  Even when I was living on my own, I used buses and subways to get around.  I was used to it and didn't know any different.  Now I do.  I live in a house and have a car to get around. I have a freedom I didn't understand living in NY.   That apartment in the Bronx that I lived in for 20 years is now a becoming a distant memory.  My parents don't even live there anymore.  All my friends and their families have moved as well.  But in my Daddy's head, he is stuck in that world and I'm afraid if I wait till the summer, he won't know me anymore.  

End of year blues...

I'm trying to be positive.  But I can't lie that 2013 has been a huge disappointment and I'm glad it's over.  I was hoping we'd be on our way to starting treatment.  I was hoping we had some savings to count on. The only positive thing we've done is that we managed to pay down a large amount of debt and hopefully we can qualify for a large loan amount.  We'll see.  I hate to get my hopes up.  Our savings account is pathetic.  No matter how much I try to save the money just disappears.  I've watched co-workers go on to get pregnant and have their babies. I'm waiting on another newlywed to announce she's pregnant soon.  She was very judgmental about me doing IVF treatment since there are so many children that need homes.  I guess because J and I can't conceive naturally it's our job to raise the special needs and orphaned children in this country.  Of course, it's not free. We still need to have thousands of dollars to do that.  Unless you go through foster care.  I know that I'm not equipped to handle orphaned and damaged children.  J is gone 4-6 days per week and I would have to do it on my own.  I also know that I have to work so our child will go into daycare right away.  I guess I'm just tired of people asking me "why don't you just adopt?"  I guess they are under the impression that its easier to do that than do fertility treatments.  It's not.  And it's just as costly as medical treatments are.  I guess I'm just feeling the pressure and anxiety building up.  I've been so patient and now I'm feeling it.  I suppose it's because of the holidays.  I keep thinking about the child that wouldn't be.  Last Oct we did our transfer and I had so many hopes that it would work.  I had so much faith.  I need to get that back.  I'm glad we live so far away from our families.  It makes it easier to get through when it's just us.  We don't go anywhere.  We don't decorate the house.  The only thing I do is make holiday cards and send those out to make it look like we are in the holiday spirit.  J will be coming home on Christmas Eve.  But it looks like I'll be spending New Years Eve alone.  That's the life of a pilot's wife.  I just hoped it would be shared with a child or two by now.  

This week is flying by...

No pun intended.  I'm trying to really hard to keep my promise to myself and clean this house up.  Today, I worked on the bathroom.  I changed the storm door and I've managed to clean the drip pans on the stove and now they are sparkling again.  I was going to try to move the bow-flex downstairs myself but it's way too heavy for me to move.  I also cancelled my gym membership.  The plan is to trade the bow-flex (which I don't use) with a treadmill (which I will use). I probably won't get much for the bow-flex but if I can get someone to remove it from my house and put together a treadmill that J and I will both use, it will be worth the hassle.  Plus, it will make more room upstairs for us.  I just hate travelling to the gym in this nasty very cold weather here in Chicago and I haven't been going.  So instead of spending money on the gym I don't use anyway, I've opted to get the treadmill.  In fact, I only use the treadmill and elliptical at the gym anyway.   Also, I've been doing a lot of reading and 30 minutes everyday on the treadmill can help bring down my blood sugars.  I recently read that type 2 is not just for the obese and lazy.  A lot of women are now getting the disease and they are thin.  I'm not exactly thin but I'm not obese either.  I've lost about eight lbs since September but my blood sugar is still high.  Not as high as it was a few months ago but high nonetheless.  I just need to keep on tracking my food and start exercising again. My goal is try to lose another 15 lbs.  I'm not sure I can do it.  It will bring me to the weight I was when I met J eighteen years ago.  It's a goal.  

Thanksgiving week....

J left today for training.  It's only tomorrow but then he has a trip from Wed-Sat this week.  Working straight through Thanksgiving this year.  In fact, he'll be in Montreal for his overnight.  He's actually happy about that since Canada's Thanksgiving was back in October.  Means he'll be able to get dinner somewhere without worrying if anything will be open for the holiday.  Anyway, I have plans for lunch tomorrow, plus, I might bring the car in for a oil change.  I know, not very exciting but it needs to be done.  I'm also very excited because by mid December, I'll have only one credit card left to pay down and then I can apply for that loan. I'm praying we can get the financing we need for what we want.  It's a long shot but I have to try.  I really want 2014 to be the year I bring home a baby.  2013 is almost over and I'm so glad.  These last few years have been really hard on me and J.  We need something to turn around for us.  He keeps saying he's going to get his applications out.  He told me this CA he flew with scolded him.  Maybe that's what he needs.  For someone else to do the nagging.  She couldn't believe he hasn't done anything yet.  Anywhere he goes, he'll make more money from the get-go.  I just hope he's serious when he tells me he's ready.

Anyway, J will be home this Saturday so we are going to have a nice Thanksgiving dinner on Saturday night. Or Sunday.  We'll play it by ear.  I can make stuff ahead of time so it won't be too taxing on Saturday.  We decided to save some money so I drove him to the airport today and will have to pick him up on Saturday. But it will be nice to have some sort of holiday dinner planned even if it's not Thursday.   I've learned to be a flexible pilots wife.  

Crazy weather...

This weekend was rather scary for me.  J had to leave on Saturday and chose to drive instead of fly to DTW.  Probably a good choice since the weather was really crappy.  On Sunday I still had some errands to do so I chose to make sure I got their when the doors opened to the stores.  I got home around 11:30 and I could see that the storms were coming. I put the TV on while I made and ate some lunch.  I noticed that the satellite was not working.  I realized the storm was getting worse so I looked for local channels.  As soon as I changed the channel to 5, local news was telling me to not wait for the sirens, just seek cover in an interior room as soon as possible.  The news said a tornado was heading in my direction.  It was moving at a rate of 70 mph.  Also, there was more than one.  That first one seemed to have stopped but others were coming.  I had one foot by the basement door ready to bolt down but luckily we just had extreme winds and heavy rains. In the end, Washington, IL got totaled by mother nature.  Coal City and Frankfort (only 40 miles from me) had tornado's spotted and caused much damage.  I think 5 people were confirmed dead too.  It breaks my heart to see the destruction.  In just a matter of minutes your home and maybe even your life could be taken by mother nature. Its especially hard with the holidays starting next week.  I just can't imagine and it makes me appreciate everything I do have.  

And he wants to be a dad...

These last few weeks have been difficult.  My computer had a malfunction that I wasn't able to fix and I was upset thinking that I would need to spend money on a new one. I got lucky though. A friend gave me their old computer so I'm back.  I didn't realize how dependent I was on my computer until it was missing from my life. It's taken a week to get back in the groove and set up everything the way I want it but I"m finally there.  Anyway, J has been upsetting me lately.  I feel like he's been so self destructive lately.  I had finally had it and pushed him. So we had a long talk on Wednesday and I found out that he really wants to be a dad.  That it bothers him to hear others talk about children.  That he doesn't just want to play with our cats but play with our children.  He cried and I cried.  He has never really told me that and I really needed to hear it.  I've felt like I've been trying to get everything together all by myself.  I've been doing all the research.  I've been trying to set up a savings account.  I needed to know he wants the same thing that I want.  And now I do.  

Lonely weekend...

This month J has been gone from Thursday-Monday/Tuesday.  Actually, he's been working like this since mid September.  I get mixed feelings about his schedule.  At first, I enjoyed my alone time.  Now, I just want him home so he can take out the garbage on Friday's.  Of course, it would be nice to be able to sleep in with him by my side on the weekends.  He's been so exhausted too.  I'm hoping November will be a bit better. We'll find out soon enough. Bids are out tomorrow.  I also wish he had more time off so he can start applying.   I'm not sure he will do that on his days off but I'm hoping.  I've been frustrated with his company pay cuts and benefit cost increases not to mention not having enough FO's which is why his schedule is absolutely ridiculous.  Rest rules are changing in January so he should have lighter schedules then.  I'm appalled that they haven't ramped up the hiring.  These schedules compromise safety.  I'm sure no one wants to know just how exhausted J is when he flies.  Anyway, at least there is an end in sight even if it means cancelling flights because of not having enough crews to cover.  I'm also anticipating that J will be gone during the week of Thanksgiving.  Sometimes we get lucky but I don't think this year will be it.  I'll try to plan something for us on a different day that week.  Hopefully, he'll be home sometime during that week.  And of course, I'll have my standard mac & cheese on Thanksgiving if he's gone.  Yum.

Trying to make plans....

I've been going over it again and again on what to do next.  The plan, as of now, is to continue to pay down the credit cards and in mid Nov, apply for a fertility loan.  I pray we qualify for something.  The last time I applied to Springstone Financing they said I didn't qualify for anything.  I was devastated.  But we have another company we can apply to in addition to Springstone so we'll do both and see what happens.  I think our credit has improved since then.  We've gotten increases in our credit limits which is good to have.  I don't want to ever wind up in a situation like we were five years ago.  We depended on the credit cards when we both lost our jobs.  In the end having so much credit hurt us.  This time, we have limited amount of credit and that's okay.  I prefer to grow our savings account and use that in case of emergencies.  Of course, right now, all I think about is saving for our next treatment.   I'm also doing better with my diet.  I've been using Sparkpeople to track my calories, carbs, weight loss.  I check my blood sugar every morning but it's still on the high side.  Even though I track my carb intake and keep it low it doesn't seem to be changing much.  It's not going any higher but it's not getting any lower.  My next appointment to check my A1C isn't till next Feb/Mar so unless it starts to skyrocket, I'll just wait till then and see what it is.  However, I will say, it gets old tracking carbs.  I'm tired of watching everything I eat.  I'm tired of saying no to all the treats at work.  I'm tired of trying to explain why I say no when asked if I would like a treat.  People take for granted that they can eat whatever they want and as much as they want anytime they want.  I guess I now know that I will have to think twice before eating out or any treat for the rest of my life.  I guess that's why my sister is on insulin.  It's just so much easier to do that than track your food.  But that can only lead to health problems and I want to make sure I'm super healthy to carry a baby.

On another note, J finally finished his logbook.  He's going to schedule an appointment with him AME and get his first class medical so he can go on interviews.  I'm getting excited that he's finally getting the ball rolling.  

Not chosen...

Today I found out we didn't get the grant.  Today I'm feeling really hopeless and sad.  I'm afraid my dream of having a family is coming to an end.  This is really hard for me to deal with today.  I wound up taking a half day from work to come home and try to deal with this new grief.  We also had to take our cat, Scottie to the vet.  He suddenly stopped eating and we were worried.  So far the vet said he's OK just dehydrated.  They gave him fluids and when we got home he went to his dish to eat which made me happy.  He's not ready to die yet and for that I'm thankful.  It would have really sucked if we lost him today along with everything else I'm down about.  I got super mad at J too.  He's put me through a lot this summer and he seems to think we can just wait another year till he gets a new job.  He should have been already done with his logbook in the summer and started applying now but he hasn't.  It seems he has one excuse after the next and the fact is, he hates his job and he'll never make more than he is right now.  This is putting a huge financial strain on us and he has the power to change that but hasn't.  He calls in sick very often and tries to get out of work all the time.  We spend more money for him to commute to work than he is making so instead of the credit cards going down, they go up.  I pay them down and he spends the money and sometimes, even wastes money.  I feel like I’m the only one vested in trying to save money for fertility treatments.  I’m beyond frustrated and emotional today.  Every time I try to talk to him about it we have a blowup.  He keeps saying that there is no hiring boom.  I need to wait for the hiring boom.  Turns out, he missed the US Airways hiring boom.  He said he was going to finish his logbook in July.  He said it would take 2 weeks.  It’s October and he just finished.  He was on disability from July 23^rd till Sept 13^th.  In that time, we got no money from him and we have recharged all the credit cards.  He’s always upset because we have no money but he doesn't do anything to fix it.  Just complains about it and bitches about his awful job.  Right now, I struggle to go to work and see all these people who have children and families.  I deal with it every day and today I want to sulk, cry and feel a little sorry for myself.  

Throwing in the towel...

It's been six months since we got our new family member.  However, it is apparent that she may not want to be a part of our family.  She attacks me often and especially in the middle of the night when I go to the bathroom.  I have scratches and bruises from her clawing and biting me. I have to wear long sleeves so my arms are covered.  She has no problem with J for the most part.  We've tried giving her time outs when she acts out.  It's sort of like a temper tantrum.  When she doesn't get her way, she goes nuts.  I brought her in to the vet today.  They couldn't even do a blood test on her.  She went crazy.  The vet suggested sedating her for the blood test.  Unfortunately, that was going to add to the bill which we just can't afford.  She also suggested a behaviorist.  Another way too expensive option for us.  Honestly, I don't think she has any medical issues.  The vet mentioned that she was possibly a feral cat that someone took in at one point.  I really see the only option right now is to find her a new home but who can handle her?  We are considering finding a farm for her to live on.  This way, she can run around outside and I think she'd be very happy.  It still makes me sad that this didn't work out.  

Sickness....

Well, I was having a so so week but it ended on a bad note.  I've been getting stabbing pains in my ear on and off and by the end of the week, I was feeling pretty crappy.  Luckily, I was able to get to the doctors and got antibiotics for an ear infection that was starting.  I still feel crappy but hopefully I will start feeling better soon.  While I was waiting for my turn at the pharmacy, I overheard a mother and daughter complaining because the daughters birth control wasn't free this time.  Nice.  Medications that make people better have to be paid for but women can get free birth control. (Obviously not all brands of birth control are free, but you can get it for free if you know which ones are covered)  Nothing pisses me off more than that. Why do people expect everything should be free?  Better yet, why was it put out there by the President that birth control will be free.  Why isn't it all free?  Oh yeah, if it was all free, then we would have even higher taxes to pay for that.  Better yet, why don't I get free infertility treatments?  Seems reasonable to me that if they can give women free birth control to stop pregnancies then they should give free infertility treatments for getting pregnant.  The fact is nothing is free unless you won't work and get food stamps to live off of.  I've worked since I was 13 and haven't stopped yet.  Still working, still contributing to society and still trying to figure out how to save for expensive medical treatments so I can have my family.  I guess I need to learn how to work the system so I can get stuff FREE, FREE, FREE.  Can you tell I'm feeling bitter today?

Fall cleaning, fall eating...

So, I've been working on eating better and today I started back at the gym.  My doctor said I need to count carbs in order to get my blood sugar down.  I'm still only pre-diabetic.  My A1C is 6.1 even though I've had some really high numbers.  My doctor thinks that during the day it must be dropping.  She said no medications unless it goes over 6.5 so my goal is to keep it down with diet and exercise.  However, counting carbs gets old and tiring.  But I managed to drop 3 lbs so far.  I think losing 10 lbs will really make a difference.  One of my co-workers is also on a diet so we're trying to support each other.  She's doing really well and that's inspiring me to do better.  This week is my week on vacation at home, so not only am I going to the gym daily, but I'm working on cleaning out the bedrooms.  I have till Sunday to get 2 full rooms cleaned out and habitable.  It's a challenge but I'm up for it.  

Putting on the happy face....

Every day I go to work and put on that smile. I show excitement for the pregnant women I encounter every day. I truly am happy for them. Even if they complain about how ill they are. I'd gladly go through all of that with excitement. I've worked at the same place for over 7 years and I've seen families go from 0-4 babies within that time. They'll never know the heartache I go through every day. I try not to talk about it anymore. I feel like it consumes me and it does. I read a quote from Brooke Shields on an infertility website. "The difficulty of IVF or of any fertility issues is the hope and the shattered hope, the dream that it might happen this time and then it doesn't happen". That statement is so true. Each IVF gave me that hope and then it was shattered. I hope and pray that our next attempt will be the successful one. I hope and pray that we can get the funds together and the loans necessary to try again. In less than 2 months, I'll find out about the grant. In September I'm taking a week off. My plan is to get this house in order. J will probably be home but he promised not to get in my way. Maybe if I can get this house in order it will help with everything else. Maybe it will help with my spirits. I really need that right now.

Expecting the unexpected....

J had to have minor surgery yesterday.  Everything seemed to go fine.  On the way home he started losing it. That's my husband.  He had dry mouth and it was bothering him a lot plus he was going through a nicotine fit and hungry.  So, he got loud and obnoxious about it.  He was trying to eat and he said he couldn't swallow because he was so dry.  So every bite, he slammed his hand down on the counter (kind of like a temper tantrum for an adult). Then we got Biotene from CVS and that didn't help.  He called the number supplied on the discharge papers but when he got voice mail, he slammed the phone down without leaving a message. Anyway, we went to get sour sour gum to see if that would help.  We wound up at the mall and he got his gum.  I got some soup for myself, since I was now getting the shakes from not eating.  Finally, he called the number on the discharge papers and left a message.  They called back within 10 minutes and said he had to wait it out.  It was from the anesthesia and pain medication they gave him.  About an hour later, J realizes he can't pee and he drank 2 bottles of Gatorade after he left the hospital.  So this time he calls the Dr's office and she said he should be OK but to go to the emergency room if he doesn't start peeing and if he's in pain. It can eventually lead to Kidney damage if he doesn't pee.  Anyway, he wound up going but then at 2 AM he woke up unable to pee again.  So we went to the ER.  They gave him these pills (forgot what they are called) to help and so far so good. What we didn't know is that during the surgery they put a catheter in and maybe this is what was causing the problem now.  Anyway, I'm glad that this is over but I am dog tired now.  And I thought he'd be bitching about the pain from the surgery.  Let's hope we don't have to do this again.  

Waiting for tough decisions...

J finally made the decision to scrap his car renovation idea.  I can't tell you how happy that made me today but it also made me sad.  J has put so much into this whole thing.  The goal was to restore a few cars but last year when J decided to do it, we were low on funds.  We were both hoping he could afford to keep this shop open to do the restore but we could never come up with the money.  And since he doesn't handle stress well, he finally agreed to just sell the cars as is and get rid of the shop that's costing us a ton a of money each month.  I feel awful that we couldn't pay down the credit cards the way we wanted but the rent on this shop has been a hardship.  Not to mention that J always takes on too much and can never get everything he wants to get done.  I'm hoping that with this going away, we can save more money each month.  At least that's what I'm hoping on.