Thursday, December 18, 2014

Getting all my ducks in a row....

I've taken the next step.  I've reapplied for the fertility loan a few days ago.  I was able to just email the same person who I worked with back in April.  I feel like a person when I speak to her.  She understands.  She's been through the same process and knows how stressful it can be.  We got our loan just at a higher interest rate because our credit scores have dropped.  I don't even care.  All I cared about was getting the loan and now that is set.  It's been on my mind for the last month now.  I've been holding off because I wanted to see some things improve but now that I'm past most of the testing I needed done, I thought it would be good to get started.  Next step is to see what's in store for J's schedule for January and get that hysteroscopy done.  We've narrowed down our decision on a donor as well.  Once we get started, things will move quickly.  Hopefully, nothing will get in our way and we'll have our take home baby some time next year.  I'm not sure how long it will take to get another recipient for our donor but hopefully it will happen in February.  I'm getting anxious now.  

Monday, December 8, 2014

Benign....

That moment I had sheer relief and exhaustion come over me.  I almost started to cry on the phone.  I know at such an early stage my recovery wouldn't be a concern.  It was knowing that a diagnosis of cancer would put our plans for a baby on hold and probably end that dream altogether because of my age.  I just wasn't ready to let go of that dream.  We are ready to move past this bump in the road and on to the next step.  Slower than I had hoped but we'll get there. 

Sunday, December 7, 2014

Waiting for test results....

So now that the horrendous biopsy is done, the next stress is waiting for the biopsy results.  Yesterday I started to really think about it.  Odds are in my favor that it's benign but I'm still freaked out thinking about it.  I really hope I find out by tomorrow.  I keep having these awful thoughts and it's hard to see past that.  Plus, I'm still not feeling all that well.  I've been taking painkillers every night.  I have pain on my rib cage, armpit and top of breast.  The pain comes and goes.  I also feel fatigued.  Probably from the stress of the procedure and now all the waiting.  I just want to lay in bed and sleep.  I also did a little binging today.  I try not to do that too often but sometimes I just break.  Today is one of those days.  I just want it all to be okay so I can move on from this nightmare.  I just keep praying that the nightmare will really end tomorrow.  I just don't know how I will deal with the alternative.

Friday, December 5, 2014

My Stereotactic Biopsy....

Well, I made it through yesterday.  I'm so glad I had the Valium.  I think it really helped me.  Anyway, we got to the center and I checked in.  Then they took me to a room to change and leave my things.  J stayed in that room with me.  The Dr. came in and spoke to me for a few minutes.  An X was marked on my right breast.  Then they took me across the room to the biopsy/x-ray/mammogram room.  I had to go up on a stepladder to the table.  The table was concave, hard and had a hole for my breast.  Getting into position was really hard to do.  My rib cage was leaning on the edge which hurt too much to sit still for 30-40 minutes.  I started to get really upset.  Finally they put something in between my rib cage and the edge of that hole. That helped a lot. My head was on a pillow and my right arm stayed straight down the side of my body and left was bent up for some sort of support and to hold on to the pillow with dear life.  The room was cold, so they put a blanket on me to keep me warm.  Then the nurse was pulling and getting my breast in position for the machine to squash.  Once that was done they took mammograms to see where the calcification's were.  The Dr. said she could see them very clearly.  She then talked me through each step so I wouldn't be surprised and the nurse was also resting her hand on my back every time in case I accidentally got startled.  The Lidocaine felt like a pinch.  Then, she made the incision which I didn't feel.  When she shot the biopsy needle in I felt sharp pains.  She gave me more Lidocaine.  Then she started taking samples and again, I felt sharp pains.  More Lidocaine and yet, more pain.  Tears were coming down my face and I started feeling shaky.  Then it was over.  I really wish I hadn't felt any pain at all like they said.  But the procedure only took 20 minutes.  The rest of the time was spent with the nurse putting compression on my incision and then I had to have another mammogram to check for the marker that was placed. After, they put steri-strips on my wound and wrapped me up in an ace bandage that I need to wear till tomorrow morning.  With all this going on I forgot to ask for pain medication.  I called the Dr.'s office at 9:30 and they said someone would call me back because they didn't even have my Dr. on the schedule for today and couldn't just prescribe anything till they verified everything.  I waited till noon and tried again since the scheduler was coming in at 10.  Anyway, they said the Dr. on call was in surgery and they would call me in the afternoon.  I waited all day and the Lidocaine wore off.  I started feeling some pain and itching and got upset since they hadn't called.  J found some old painkillers so I took that.  I'm still feeling rather itchy and now it's all over the place.  Like some sort of allergic reaction to something.  The Dr.'s office finally called me at 6PM and said they have a prescription ready for me to come and pick up.  We have to do that now for narcotics.  Anyway, we'll go and get it in the morning.  I was just irritated with them for calling me so late.  Hopefully I can make it through the night and hopefully this itching will stop.   Now all I need to do is make it through waiting for the results of the biopsy.  Latest I should receive them should be Tuesday.  Praying it's all benign and I can just move on with my original plan.

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Trying to deal with stress....

I'm not doing a good job at it right now.  I'm feeling anger and annoyance at an anyone that messes up any plans I have.  Patience is at an all time low.  I had an eye exam set up for 12/26 and they just called to cancel the appointment.  They were trying to reschedule but they must make it so difficult.  Everything is in the afternoon or morning.  I know my eyes and I won't be able to go drive to work with dilated pupils.  Especially if it's sunny outside.  The last time I used sunglasses and the shades they give out at the desk just to get myself home.  Once she started talking about the new year I said I just can't schedule it right now.  I hung up while she was saying I should call back when I'm ready.  I have too many other things on my mind right now.  Tomorrow is the day for my biopsy and I'm still terrified of the procedure.  Nothing about using a medieval device will convince me of that.  I bet if this were for a man they would surely find a better way to do this.  I was told no pain meds are necessary.  Just some Tylenol.  You can't take Advil or Excedrin or anything with aspirin in it.  But they wrap you up in an ace bandage instead of wearing your bra.  And put ice packs in it to keep the swelling and bruising down.  And I'm supposed to do that till the next day but I'm told the pain is mild.  Seriously, I had pain meds after my egg retrieval and at least I was sleeping during the procedure.  I have pain meds from other medical issues and I won't hesitate to take them.  Screw them.  A hallowed needle is going in my breast to suck out tissue samples.  Please don't insult me and say only a mild discomfort.  It's my breast and two people I work with already said it's very sore after.  I'm just feeling so emotional and scared right now.  I wish this was over with already.  Right now, I'm not feeling so well.  I hope I'm not coming down anything.  Just need to get through today.

Saturday, November 29, 2014

Countdown to 12/4...

Maybe it will be easier when J is home.  Or when I'm going to work on Monday.  Right now, it's hard to focus on anything but this biopsy.  I'm just terrified.  Of the procedure and the outcome.  I hate that everyone says it's not a big deal.  Just a hollowed needle going deep into your breast to suck out tissue for samples. Which goes in like a nail gun in case you where wondering.  How does that sound?  It horrifies me.  And I'll have to feel and listen to it first hand.  Then the results come and that terrifies me as well.  It's looking more and more like SC is out of the question till I get my results back.  This setback feels like GOD is saying "you're not meant to be a mother".  J is saying it's only another month.  The reality is that anything right now hurts.  It's just so painful to see everyone build their families and we're still trying to get caught up. My friends have kids that are in high school and starting college.  Here we are still trying to get in the game.  It hardly seems fair anymore.  My emotions are all over the place and this biopsy is my worst fear happening.  Right now, wine is my best friend.  

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Emotional and lost....

Things aren't going as planned.  My mammogram do-over means a biopsy needs to done.  J was with me when I went for the second mammogram.  The radiologist (a chia head Doogie Houser) delivered the bad news.  He had no bedside manner.  You have a micro calcification in your right breast and you need a biopsy.  Any questions?  I just sat there nodding and shaking my head.  Then he left.  The tech handed me something to fill out and she kept rubbing my back saying this happens often it's usually nothing.  I broke down and cried.  I'm just so emotional.  They called me by the time I got home to schedule a consult with a surgeon.  We went there today.  I'm now scheduled for a biopsy next Thursday.  My stress level is so high right now.  I feel physically drained.  I'm terrified of the procedure and the final report.   I'm supposed to go to SC on that following Monday for the hysteroscopy.  I'm not sure if I should do it or not. I still have a few days to figure that part out.  I'm just so tired and at the same time I have heart palpation's.  I don't know how to get through this. 

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

And the hits keep on coming....

I'm trying to remain calm but inside I'm all in knots.  I have to go back for another mammogram on Monday.  Something was wrong with the film or they saw something on the film.  In any case it would be nice if I could get a straight answer instead of having to come up with things it could be in my head.  Then my nurse from the clinic called me.  My Dr wants to do a hysteroscopy and polypectomy.  She said it's not fertility related so insurance should cover it.  But I'm skeptical.  I remember the last time I had non-fertility testing done and I wound up paying because the billing department coded it as fertility and it wasn't covered because of that.  Then the billing department said they couldn't code it any other way so I wound up paying over $900.00 for that day.  This could cost over $5,000 so I'm not about to take any chances with that.  I got an email from the financial coordinator telling me the cost with insurance but she didn't have my insurance information so I don't know where that number came from.  I emailed her my insurance information and haven't heard back. Hopefully, she is checking with my insurance out and will get the cost approved.  I really like this clinic but have had such a hard time with the billing and financial department.  I won't be stuck with a bill like that.  If that happens it will set us back half a year and I'm not waiting anymore.  I want to move forward already.  I've waited long enough.  I've watched my friends, family and co-workers grow their families and it's my turn. 

Sunday, November 16, 2014

Emotional Week...

I am so glad that last week is over.  Apparently I need to have additional testing done.  EKG, Mammogram, Chest xray and A1C.  My nurse said it was because of my age but probably also needed for the money back guarantee program.  I did the mammogram on Saturday and plan to do the EKG and xray next Saturday.  The A1C will be done at my next appointment in December and it should be much lower than 6.8 by now.  Next step is to apply and get that loan.  Praying hard that it all works out.  
 
On another note, I was really pissed off at J this week.  I was feeling so emotional this week and all of the sudden I started getting texts from my MIL announcing the birth of a new baby.  Nothing odd about that, right?  Well, I never even knew J's nephew was having a baby.  I asked J if he knew and he said his Dad told him months ago but not to say anything because J's sister wanted to call everyone and tell them.  However, we got no call and J said he forgot all about it.  Really?  It was a bad moment for me.  I wasn't feeling well Wed/Thursday and that just pushed me over the edge.  I'm very happy for them.  I wish them all well.  But I wish it was my turn already.  This is so hard.  

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

When the universe is against you...

I just don't know what to do anymore.  Every time I take a step forward, I feel like we take two steps back.  Today I had my sonohystogram done.  And who gets excited for a painful ultrasound?  I do.  J did too.  My Dr said I had a polyp and my lining is thick which is odd.  I'm not sure if the polyp will be a problem but I'm sure I'll find out in the next few days.  Then I finally got my answer from the clinic about the FSA funds.  Only 2 days before open enrollment ends and I get my answer.  I can't use it to pay for the program.  Hopefully I can use it to pay for donor fees but we were counting on using it for that.  So now I'm stressed and upset because I'll have to apply for a bigger loan and I'm worried that we won't qualify now.  We did back in April but we've increased our spending and things are different now.  I just don't know what to do anymore.  How can things go wrong so quickly.  I hope I'm just over reacting but I don't think so.

Sunday, October 5, 2014

Summer Blur....

It's been awhile since I posted anything.  I've been battling a lot of medical issues this summer so posting wasn't a priority.  My blood sugar started to go up, up and up.  Turns out that I have Type 1.5 or LADA.  Latent Autoimmune Diabetes for Adults.  I was originally diagnosed with Type 2 back in 2011.  Watching my blood sugar go up made me feel like I was doing something wrong.  I wasn't exercising as much as the doctors had said but my A1C was 5.5 at the beginning of this year without medications.  Just diet and exercise.  So why suddenly was everything changing.  I'm not obese.  I watch what I eat.  I measure my food so I don't eat too much (carbs especially).

I'm glad I found out what's wrong but it's a huge change that will be difficult to adjust to.  I won't just take insulin till I'm better, I'll be taking it for the rest of my life.  I'm also struggling with symptoms of fatigue.  I don't just feel a little tired.  It's an "I can't see straight fatigue and I need to sleep, sleep, sleep but I can't because I'm in a meeting at work or I'm driving somewhere or " and it happens every day many times during the day.  I try to walk around the building at lunch as many days during the week that I can.  Once the weather gets colder, it will be too cold to do that.  With exercising and counting my carbs, you'd think I'd have it under better control but it's not.  I'm currently going through diabetes education to learn as much as I can.  I have to get this under control because I still plan to move forward with our fertility plan and my doctor said it's not safe for me to be pregnant right now.  Not for a growing fetus.  Luckily my A1C isn't too high so I'm hoping with medication it will be down within 3 months to safer levels.  My fasting blood sugar has gotten much better. Now I just need to get my after meal numbers down.  Tracking food, carbs, taking blood sugars, exercise, how I feel all day, taking blood sugars, injecting insulin, checking blood sugars (did I say that already)  is hard on a person. It's day after day after day and it will never change for me.  I'm trying to accept all of this.  I want to be a mother so badly that getting this under control is all I think about so I'm willing to do just about anything. 

Monday, June 23, 2014

Trying to have faith...

I've gone over and over the finances and just don't see us doing any more treatments till later in the year.  Maybe even the beginning of the new year.  I'm saving money just not enough to do this treatment now.  And now is when I want to do it.  But knowing that there is a plan in place is helping me get through this time.  I have faith that it will all unfold as it should be.  I feel some responsibility in helping it along, but I know J and I are good people and I've lived, we've lived honest lives together.  Nothing is ever perfect but I've seen less perfect have families too.  I don't even want perfect.  I want a little one or two to love and love me back.  I want to be called Mom.  I see all these other women like me and their dreams come true and I know ours will too. 

Monday, May 26, 2014

Passed...

I'm happy to say J passed his check ride today.  Hopefully, he'll be home sometime today.  I miss him and want him home already.  Next phase is OE and then he'll hopefully get a line (or reserve for this month).  I just want to be secure in knowing that we have the same goals.  Saving money for our treatment before the end of the year and becoming parents.  I just hate this feeling like I'm on hold all the time.  I have a right to happiness.  I have a right to have my dreams come true too,  

Sunday, May 25, 2014

Trying to keep up...

One minute he's protesting the other he's back on track.  J called this morning and changed him mind. He pointed out that so far he's been treated fairly so he was going to see how it went with the check ride for his partner.  He called later and said everything went well.  I just can't keep up with him.  I just want him done with this training and back on the line.  And I would like him home for a few days.  I want to feel secure that we are still on track with quest for a baby.  I've been on this road for so many years.  And I guess I just want to know that he's on this road with me.  

Saturday, May 24, 2014

Going from happy to sad in an instant...

I'm amazed that my emotions can go from happy to sad in a split moment these days.  I was doing so well this week.  J said his training was going well and I really thought we were on the right path.  I went out and spent money on a new printer that I wanted to get for the last 3 months.  I don't spend money easily these days but I thought it would be a good investment for us.  Now, J calls me tonight telling me he wants to protest the check ride tomorrow.  Says that the only reason he has done well in part of the training is because his partner had a cheat sheet and the cheat sheet is completely different than the actual manual.  Well, he did study his ass off for this too.  And he's aced everything because of the studying he's done.  What he's worried about is that his friend failed the check ride because of the discrepancies in the manual.  So now it's a protest???  Again, I feel like it's all about J.  And again, I see my dreams going into the toilet.  This hurts so much.  He doesn't even realize how much.  And I just don't know what to do about it anymore.  Every time I make a plan it seems to get screwed up before I can even start.  I feel like every time I have my opportunity to move forward with fertility treatments something always happens with J and we have to hold off.  I'm just so tired of it all.  

Sunday, May 18, 2014

Getting back to normal...

It's Sunday night and tomorrow is my first day back at work.  I'm not sure I'm looking forward to it.  It's so hard to get caught up and back in the swing of things after being gone for so long.  I'm hoping to get to work early so I can get a head start on reviewing the status docs.  I think tonight would be a good night for an ambien.  I just don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight and I really need to get a good nights sleep.  I'm also worried about the MRI I had.  I'm hoping to find out the results tomorrow but I'm not holding my breath.

On another note, J said his company is going to make a big announcement in a few weeks.  We've been trying to figure out what it could be we're at a loss.  Our only thoughts are a flow and money but that's about it and it doesn't make any sense that they would do that.  Management says it will make everyone happy but we'll see.  Waiting it out is the hard part.  As it stands, J won't be home till the end of the month at this point and I miss him so much right now.  I guess I'll just have to settle for facetime on my phone.

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Mother's Day and Dad's Day....

My Dad passed away on May 7th in the afternoon.  My sister had called me the day before and told me that Dad was struggling to breath and on lots of pain meds.   I got my work prepared as best I could and went home thinking she'd call me in the middle of the night with the bad news.  No call, so I went to work. She called me after lunch and told me Dad was gone.  Even though I was prepared I wasn't prepared.  I still cried and felt overwhelming grief that I would never again hear my Dad call my name and never see him again except in my dreams, memories and pictures.  But in true Dad fashion, he died just when J was finishing up a section of training so he could be with me at the funeral and we could be with my Mom on Mother's Day. I haven't spent Mother's Day with my Mom since I've been married and living in IL.  The funeral was at the cemetery.  We didn't have any service at the funeral home.  It was a short service and a few cousins came out to pay their respects.  Why is it that funerals seem to be the only way we all get together?  Anyway, I'm finally home and exhausted.  Dad, was 83 years old and married to my Mom for 54 years.  Daddy, I miss you and love you.  See you again someday. 

Sunday, May 4, 2014

Trying hard to avoid depression...

At least once a day, I feel hopeless and depressed.  I look at our finances and the depression sets in.  I'm just going to have to face the fact that we will need to wait closer to the end of the year to do anything.  It's just not what I want.  I spent some time last night yelling at J and he finally said it. "You're saying I'm not pulling my weight".  He wasn't arguing the fact.  He knows it's true.  He's been slacking off and I've been taking the brunt of it.  J left for training today so we'll see what happens next.  He had another sick call last week so he knows he's in trouble for it.  He said he wouldn't get upset about it but he has and it messed up the rest of the week for both of us.  Although, he even applied to a few more places.  I just wish it wouldn't take something like this to get him to move his ass.  He's afraid he's ruined his flying career.  He needs to get his act together.  I just feel like he sabotages me every time.  Last year it was the garage fiasco and this year it's excessive sick calls and FMLA. I just want us to have a normal life.  I want us to have children and enjoy raising them together.  I want us to have children without having to worry about the money to have children.  I hate that I worry about how we will pay the bills if we take a fertility loan. I hate the excel spreadsheets I do to save every dime for this.  I hate that mothers day is next week and I'm not even close to reaching my dreams.  I hate that some women can get pregnant by accident.   I hate that there's always 5-10 pregnant women in my office.  I hate that my life is consumed by this but I'm afraid if I change I'll lose my dream of being a mother forever.  

Saturday, May 3, 2014

Catching up with family and other things....

I finally went to visit my family again and see my Dad.  He has his good days and bad days.  He looked like he was scared of me at first.  I don't know what the nurses and doctors did to him to get him so scared or maybe it's just the end result of the dementia.  He doesn't really know what's going on and it scares him.  Who knows.  I just don't want anyone to hurt him.  My sister told me they won't do anymore blood tests or transfusions.  It's not helping him so why put him through that.  He knew who I was the next day.  It was nice to talk to him and hold his hand.  They are also giving him painkillers so that's also why he's so tired all the time.  He's hanging on right now by his own will.  I know when it's time for him to pass he will.

Visiting my family really exhausted me too.  I don't know how I grew up in that environment.  Nothing has changed for them.  They still cut me off when I start talking, still scream at each other and my sister still competes with me on anything we talk about.  She always has to be one up on me.  It's hard to have a conversation when it's always one sided.

On the baby front, I've been looking at donor profiles and J and I found one that we like.  I have my doctor appointment this week so I'm holding off on selecting till then.  We really need to save much more money.  I'm starting to think we'll have to do this toward the end of the year.  I'm worried about having to re-apply for a loan.  What if we don't get it the second time around.  I hate having to wait but it's only a few months.  J has been putting me through so much lately too.  He says he won't stress out but then he does and it affects me.  I wish I knew why he keep doing that too me.  I'm worried he won't come through when I take out this loan.  I already have another loan that we have to pay on that's rather high.  I'm afraid to take on something and have him tell me "I don't know what to tell you, I don't have the money".  I always feel like I'm doing this by myself.  He needs to take some ownership of this too and help contribute.  He's applied to some other places so maybe it will help.

Thursday, April 17, 2014

Consult...

I finally had a Dr visit I can take.  Well, it was just a phone consult with my RE but it felt good to get the ball rolling. We still need to save a crap load of money but I found out we can do our preliminary testing here since we have a history with the clinic.  This will save a ton of money too.  We would have had to buy airline tickets, hotel room, car rental for a few days.  It adds up.  And I know we could non-rev but when you have an appointment for something like this, I prefer the old fashioned pay-for-your-airfare way.  This way, I know I get to my destination with no stress.  Anyway, we don't have to go.  I just need to do a saline ultrasound and J needs to get a semen analysis.  This way, we can focus all our money for the treatment.  I think we can save everything we need to do this before the year 2015.  At least that's the goal right now.

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Ugh, more doctors...

The good news is that it's only a cluster of blood vessels...the Hemangioma.  Bad news is that the radiologist thinks I need an MRI because it's a rather large Hemangioma on my liver.  My primary care decided that I should see a specialist.  So now, I have my next doctor appointment is in about 3 weeks.  Hopefully, he won't think it's necessary to move forward but I do have some questions for him.  I've done some reading on Dr. Google and hormones can cause these.  Since I'm planning on fertility treatments in the next 6 months, I'm hoping this won't be an issue.  At least it's not a malignant tumor.  That was my biggest fear.  Glad I can put that one to bed.

Saturday, April 12, 2014

CT is over...

Got the CT scan done today.  I scheduled it so I could get it over with today.  I'm glad I did it on Saturday.  I had to have a blood test first to make sure my kidneys were functioning well.  Then I had to drink a ton of barium.  It said berry smoothie but it certainly didn't taste like a smoothie.  In fact, I thought I was going to vomit after I drank it down.  Then I had to have an IV for the contrast put in.  Just what I needed.  Another needle in my arm.  The CT scan didn't take long after that.  But it was the most bizarre sensations.  The IV contrast caused my me to heat up starting from the arm with the IV.  I felt like I was going to be on fire, then my mouth had a metallic taste and then I felt like I peed in my pants.  I didn't but it felt like it.  Then all those sensations disappeared.  All in less than 30 seconds.  Luckily the technician explained all of this to me before hand.  Still it was weird.  Now, I get to wait for the results which I hope to get on Monday.  And hear that it was what the doctor said it was...Just a cluster of blood vessels (Hemangioma).  Fingers crossed and saying my prayers.  I want to move forward with my DE/IVF and have nothing over my head.  

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Upcoming medical stuff...

I had my doctor's appointment on Tuesday.  We went over the ER visit and the fact that I've been having pain in my abdomen off and on since then.  It's not as bad but pain is pain.  Anyway, I brought up the mass the ER Dr mentioned.  I heard 3 cm but J swore that it had to be mm.  This time I was right.  It was 3.1 cm.  Now I'm going to have a CT scan to get a better look.  She said I shouldn't worry about it.  It's probably just a group of blood vessels, etc, etc, etc. She had a more technical name but I can't remember what that is right now.  I want to say I'm not worried but I think anyone would be having trouble doing that.  I have my scan set for Saturday so I guess I'll find out then.  Just praying it really isn't anything. 

Sunday, April 6, 2014

Alone time...

Since J and I have been together we've had the pleasure of  "alone time".  All that means is that I've enjoyed when J goes away on a trip and I get the house to myself for a few days or more and he enjoys it too.  J has been home since the beginning of March so I've been desperate for my "alone time".  I will say this has been a wonderful few days.  This weekend has been pretty wonderful.  I've accomplished so much this past weekend.  With J away, I've been able to do some errands and cleaning which has been neglected.  I've been able to watch and do whatever I want.  I've been able to start getting organized.  The longer he's home the worse I got with organization.  I really think that we are successful because he's not here all the time.  Plus, I will say that things have gotten better between us too.  He's gotten control of himself and has made a complete turn-around.  He's happy and so am I.  He's keeping his promises to me which means a lot right now.  And it makes me excited that we are now starting to move forward with our dream of growing our family.  2014 is so far turning out to be a great year.  Let's hope my doctor appointment reflects that.

Saturday, April 5, 2014

Fear....

The pre-approval is now an approval.  I've made a call to my clinic to find out next steps.  I also sent an email to the loan officer with some questions and voicing my concern over the payment amount.  She wound up calling me to discuss my email.  It was nice to be able to speak to someone.   A person that has been through all the same things I'm going through now.  It's nice not to be just a number.  She said the loan is good to go for 90 days before having to pull a new credit report.  I was glad to hear that.  We still need to make an appointment for a physical.  And apparently I need to apply for the guarantee program and I have no idea how to do that either.  Hopefully, I'll hear back from the clinic on Monday.  I want to move forward but I'm so scared at the same time.  This is the moment I've been waiting for and now I'm scared.  I'm not sure what I'm scared of.  The loan amount? Or is it that I've been chasing my dream of motherhood for so long that I don't know how to actually take that leap?  I guess I also wasn't expecting an approval so quickly. I've gotten used to being turned down or not given the entire amount.  We still have a few months to save some money.  J has promised that I can take 200 from him on his second paycheck.  So even with the loan, I know we can still save money which is important to me.  I also need to take care of another issue.  I had an emergency room visit last weekend.  My stomach has been hurting and they did an ultrasound.  Nothing was found as the cause of my pain but the ER Dr said I had a mass on my liver.  I heard her say 3 cm but J said it had to be mm. If it was cm that would be very large so I'm sure he's right but I think I need confirmation from my primary care Dr.  J wants confirmation too on mass and stomach pain. So I guess I'll find out on next week.  Till then.

KitchenAid KSM150PSCU Artisan Series 5-Qt. Stand Mixer with Pouring Shield - Contour Silver

ASUS Touchscreen 14" Flip 2-in-1 Chromebook (Latest Model), Full HD Display, Intel Core M3-8100Y, 8G