Tuesday, December 31, 2013

A Happy New Years Eve...


Well, this year has been rather crappy.  Last Thursday, my Dad collapsed and my sisters called the ambulance.  He was severely dehydrated and had an infection in his gut.  My plan was to go visit in January. On my way home from work, I spoke with my sister.  He had a tube in his throat but was stable.  When I got home, J was making us dinner and I was enjoying a glass of wine,.  Much needed since I was a wreck not knowing how my Dad was.  Anyway, I got another call from my sister and apparently my Dad's blood pressure dropped drastically and his heart rate went down to 30.  Hospital called and wanted to know if they should resuscitate.  She didn't think he'd make it through the night.  When I got home from work, J was insisting that we go to NY the next day.  My supervisor is on vacation and I was in charge while she was out but J was right and after that call, I was convinced I was going to a funeral.  The next day we threw stuff into suitcases, listed ourselves on the flight, reserved a car rental and hotel.  We got to the hospital at 8:30 PM and my Dad was still with us.  The PA explained what resuscitation meant and I spoke to my sister about it.  She spoke to my Mom and a DNR was signed.  My Dad had tubes going down his throat and looked  just so awful.  He didn't really wake up that night.  It was hard not to cry in there but I didn't want to risk him hearing me cry.  Just in case.  The nurses kept reiterating how sick he was.  The next day he opened his eyes and looked around. Then the Dr's asked us about putting in a tr-ache.  In the end we decided that wouldn't be an option.  Right now, he is breathing on his own and tomorrow he is being moved to a regular room.  But if he gets very sick again, they are only going to give him morphine to make him comfortable and let nature takes it course.  Right now he is on the mend but they think in the future he will aspirate saliva into his lungs and wind up with pneumonia.  Maybe not today or tomorrow but sometime in the future.  I'm glad we didn't have to plan my Dad's funeral but now we are looking for nursing homes for him.  Not that losing him in the future will be any less painful but not realizing how sick he was and how close to death he was puts everything in perspective.  I remember when my cousins died.  My Mom called me and said someone had died.  I remember thinking, my Aunt or Uncle but not my cousins.  They were only 50.  And it was a freak accident to boot.  I remember how devastating it felt.  And this felt the same way.  I am grateful that I had the chance to see my Dad.  That he looked at me today and even though he is still so sick, I saw a glimpse of the cocky look I used to get from my Dad.  Just for that split second, it was my Dad in there.  He knew who I was.  As difficult as 2013 has been, today, on the last day of the year, my Dad looked at me and knew me. That made 2013 the best year ever.

Happy New Year!! 
Goodbye 2013...Hello 2014

Saturday, December 21, 2013

Daddy....

This isn't a post about starting a family today.  Its about my Daddy.  He's had Parkinson's since I've been in my 20's.  He was ok back then.  In the last few years my mom has told me that he's not doing too well.  I hadn't visited in 5 years so I made the visit to see my family 2 years ago.  I went again last year and I told my sister that J and I will be coming to visit in January.  I just want to see him while I know he still knows who I am.  They are thinking he has dementia.  My sister and mom have to stay in the basement with him all night.  He has gotten violent.  Kicking and hitting.  I just don't understand why they have to wait till January.  Can't they get to see the doctor sooner?  My family is always accepting of things.  They don't empower themselves to fight for better.  It's always the same comments "that's how it is".  My feeling is that they should argue a little.  Call everyday and see if there are any cancellations and see if he can come in sooner.  This could be the difference between my Dad knowing what's going on and not.  It's important. And I hate they my family is all accepting of everything.  "It is how it is".  A phrase I've heard my whole life from my family.  I don't want to think like that. My life, growing up in the Bronx, is a lifetime away for me.  My life is completely different.  I grew up in an apartment building 26 stories high.  Our one car was located in a garage across a green-way.  Buses and subways were my transportation for the most part.  Even when I was living on my own, I used buses and subways to get around.  I was used to it and didn't know any different.  Now I do.  I live in a house and have a car to get around. I have a freedom I didn't understand living in NY.   That apartment in the Bronx that I lived in for 20 years is now a becoming a distant memory.  My parents don't even live there anymore.  All my friends and their families have moved as well.  But in my Daddy's head, he is stuck in that world and I'm afraid if I wait till the summer, he won't know me anymore.  

Sunday, December 15, 2013

End of year blues...

I'm trying to be positive.  But I can't lie that 2013 has been a huge disappointment and I'm glad it's over.  I was hoping we'd be on our way to starting treatment.  I was hoping we had some savings to count on. The only positive thing we've done is that we managed to pay down a large amount of debt and hopefully we can qualify for a large loan amount.  We'll see.  I hate to get my hopes up.  Our savings account is pathetic.  No matter how much I try to save the money just disappears.  I've watched co-workers go on to get pregnant and have their babies. I'm waiting on another newlywed to announce she's pregnant soon.  She was very judgmental about me doing IVF treatment since there are so many children that need homes.  I guess because J and I can't conceive naturally it's our job to raise the special needs and orphaned children in this country.  Of course, it's not free. We still need to have thousands of dollars to do that.  Unless you go through foster care.  I know that I'm not equipped to handle orphaned and damaged children.  J is gone 4-6 days per week and I would have to do it on my own.  I also know that I have to work so our child will go into daycare right away.  I guess I'm just tired of people asking me "why don't you just adopt?"  I guess they are under the impression that its easier to do that than do fertility treatments.  It's not.  And it's just as costly as medical treatments are.  I guess I'm just feeling the pressure and anxiety building up.  I've been so patient and now I'm feeling it.  I suppose it's because of the holidays.  I keep thinking about the child that wouldn't be.  Last Oct we did our transfer and I had so many hopes that it would work.  I had so much faith.  I need to get that back.  I'm glad we live so far away from our families.  It makes it easier to get through when it's just us.  We don't go anywhere.  We don't decorate the house.  The only thing I do is make holiday cards and send those out to make it look like we are in the holiday spirit.  J will be coming home on Christmas Eve.  But it looks like I'll be spending New Years Eve alone.  That's the life of a pilot's wife.  I just hoped it would be shared with a child or two by now.  

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

This week is flying by...

No pun intended.  I'm trying to really hard to keep my promise to myself and clean this house up.  Today, I worked on the bathroom.  I changed the storm door and I've managed to clean the drip pans on the stove and now they are sparkling again.  I was going to try to move the bow-flex downstairs myself but it's way too heavy for me to move.  I also cancelled my gym membership.  The plan is to trade the bow-flex (which I don't use) with a treadmill (which I will use). I probably won't get much for the bow-flex but if I can get someone to remove it from my house and put together a treadmill that J and I will both use, it will be worth the hassle.  Plus, it will make more room upstairs for us.  I just hate travelling to the gym in this nasty very cold weather here in Chicago and I haven't been going.  So instead of spending money on the gym I don't use anyway, I've opted to get the treadmill.  In fact, I only use the treadmill and elliptical at the gym anyway.   Also, I've been doing a lot of reading and 30 minutes everyday on the treadmill can help bring down my blood sugars.  I recently read that type 2 is not just for the obese and lazy.  A lot of women are now getting the disease and they are thin.  I'm not exactly thin but I'm not obese either.  I've lost about eight lbs since September but my blood sugar is still high.  Not as high as it was a few months ago but high nonetheless.  I just need to keep on tracking my food and start exercising again. My goal is try to lose another 15 lbs.  I'm not sure I can do it.  It will bring me to the weight I was when I met J eighteen years ago.  It's a goal.  

Monday, November 25, 2013

Thanksgiving week....

J left today for training.  It's only tomorrow but then he has a trip from Wed-Sat this week.  Working straight through Thanksgiving this year.  In fact, he'll be in Montreal for his overnight.  He's actually happy about that since Canada's Thanksgiving was back in October.  Means he'll be able to get dinner somewhere without worrying if anything will be open for the holiday.  Anyway, I have plans for lunch tomorrow, plus, I might bring the car in for a oil change.  I know, not very exciting but it needs to be done.  I'm also very excited because by mid December, I'll have only one credit card left to pay down and then I can apply for that loan. I'm praying we can get the financing we need for what we want.  It's a long shot but I have to try.  I really want 2014 to be the year I bring home a baby.  2013 is almost over and I'm so glad.  These last few years have been really hard on me and J.  We need something to turn around for us.  He keeps saying he's going to get his applications out.  He told me this CA he flew with scolded him.  Maybe that's what he needs.  For someone else to do the nagging.  She couldn't believe he hasn't done anything yet.  Anywhere he goes, he'll make more money from the get-go.  I just hope he's serious when he tells me he's ready.

Anyway, J will be home this Saturday so we are going to have a nice Thanksgiving dinner on Saturday night. Or Sunday.  We'll play it by ear.  I can make stuff ahead of time so it won't be too taxing on Saturday.  We decided to save some money so I drove him to the airport today and will have to pick him up on Saturday. But it will be nice to have some sort of holiday dinner planned even if it's not Thursday.   I've learned to be a flexible pilots wife.  

Monday, November 18, 2013

Crazy weather...

This weekend was rather scary for me.  J had to leave on Saturday and chose to drive instead of fly to DTW.  Probably a good choice since the weather was really crappy.  On Sunday I still had some errands to do so I chose to make sure I got their when the doors opened to the stores.  I got home around 11:30 and I could see that the storms were coming. I put the TV on while I made and ate some lunch.  I noticed that the satellite was not working.  I realized the storm was getting worse so I looked for local channels.  As soon as I changed the channel to 5, local news was telling me to not wait for the sirens, just seek cover in an interior room as soon as possible.  The news said a tornado was heading in my direction.  It was moving at a rate of 70 mph.  Also, there was more than one.  That first one seemed to have stopped but others were coming.  I had one foot by the basement door ready to bolt down but luckily we just had extreme winds and heavy rains. In the end, Washington, IL got totaled by mother nature.  Coal City and Frankfort (only 40 miles from me) had tornado's spotted and caused much damage.  I think 5 people were confirmed dead too.  It breaks my heart to see the destruction.  In just a matter of minutes your home and maybe even your life could be taken by mother nature. Its especially hard with the holidays starting next week.  I just can't imagine and it makes me appreciate everything I do have.  

Saturday, November 2, 2013

And he wants to be a dad...

These last few weeks have been difficult.  My computer had a malfunction that I wasn't able to fix and I was upset thinking that I would need to spend money on a new one. I got lucky though. A friend gave me their old computer so I'm back.  I didn't realize how dependent I was on my computer until it was missing from my life. It's taken a week to get back in the groove and set up everything the way I want it but I"m finally there.  Anyway, J has been upsetting me lately.  I feel like he's been so self destructive lately.  I had finally had it and pushed him. So we had a long talk on Wednesday and I found out that he really wants to be a dad.  That it bothers him to hear others talk about children.  That he doesn't just want to play with our cats but play with our children.  He cried and I cried.  He has never really told me that and I really needed to hear it.  I've felt like I've been trying to get everything together all by myself.  I've been doing all the research.  I've been trying to set up a savings account.  I needed to know he wants the same thing that I want.  And now I do.  

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Lonely weekend...

This month J has been gone from Thursday-Monday/Tuesday.  Actually, he's been working like this since mid September.  I get mixed feelings about his schedule.  At first, I enjoyed my alone time.  Now, I just want him home so he can take out the garbage on Friday's.  Of course, it would be nice to be able to sleep in with him by my side on the weekends.  He's been so exhausted too.  I'm hoping November will be a bit better. We'll find out soon enough. Bids are out tomorrow.  I also wish he had more time off so he can start applying.   I'm not sure he will do that on his days off but I'm hoping.  I've been frustrated with his company pay cuts and benefit cost increases not to mention not having enough FO's which is why his schedule is absolutely ridiculous.  Rest rules are changing in January so he should have lighter schedules then.  I'm appalled that they haven't ramped up the hiring.  These schedules compromise safety.  I'm sure no one wants to know just how exhausted J is when he flies.  Anyway, at least there is an end in sight even if it means cancelling flights because of not having enough crews to cover.  I'm also anticipating that J will be gone during the week of Thanksgiving.  Sometimes we get lucky but I don't think this year will be it.  I'll try to plan something for us on a different day that week.  Hopefully, he'll be home sometime during that week.  And of course, I'll have my standard mac & cheese on Thanksgiving if he's gone.  Yum.

Sunday, October 13, 2013

Trying to make plans....

I've been going over it again and again on what to do next.  The plan, as of now, is to continue to pay down the credit cards and in mid Nov, apply for a fertility loan.  I pray we qualify for something.  The last time I applied to Springstone Financing they said I didn't qualify for anything.  I was devastated.  But we have another company we can apply to in addition to Springstone so we'll do both and see what happens.  I think our credit has improved since then.  We've gotten increases in our credit limits which is good to have.  I don't want to ever wind up in a situation like we were five years ago.  We depended on the credit cards when we both lost our jobs.  In the end having so much credit hurt us.  This time, we have limited amount of credit and that's okay.  I prefer to grow our savings account and use that in case of emergencies.  Of course, right now, all I think about is saving for our next treatment.   I'm also doing better with my diet.  I've been using Sparkpeople to track my calories, carbs, weight loss.  I check my blood sugar every morning but it's still on the high side.  Even though I track my carb intake and keep it low it doesn't seem to be changing much.  It's not going any higher but it's not getting any lower.  My next appointment to check my A1C isn't till next Feb/Mar so unless it starts to skyrocket, I'll just wait till then and see what it is.  However, I will say, it gets old tracking carbs.  I'm tired of watching everything I eat.  I'm tired of saying no to all the treats at work.  I'm tired of trying to explain why I say no when asked if I would like a treat.  People take for granted that they can eat whatever they want and as much as they want anytime they want.  I guess I now know that I will have to think twice before eating out or any treat for the rest of my life.  I guess that's why my sister is on insulin.  It's just so much easier to do that than track your food.  But that can only lead to health problems and I want to make sure I'm super healthy to carry a baby.

On another note, J finally finished his logbook.  He's going to schedule an appointment with him AME and get his first class medical so he can go on interviews.  I'm getting excited that he's finally getting the ball rolling.  

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Not chosen...

Today I found out we didn't get the grant.  Today I'm feeling really hopeless and sad.  I'm afraid my dream of having a family is coming to an end.  This is really hard for me to deal with today.  I wound up taking a half day from work to come home and try to deal with this new grief.  We also had to take our cat, Scottie to the vet.  He suddenly stopped eating and we were worried.  So far the vet said he's OK just dehydrated.  They gave him fluids and when we got home he went to his dish to eat which made me happy.  He's not ready to die yet and for that I'm thankful.  It would have really sucked if we lost him today along with everything else I'm down about.  I got super mad at J too.  He's put me through a lot this summer and he seems to think we can just wait another year till he gets a new job.  He should have been already done with his logbook in the summer and started applying now but he hasn't.  It seems he has one excuse after the next and the fact is, he hates his job and he'll never make more than he is right now.  This is putting a huge financial strain on us and he has the power to change that but hasn't.  He calls in sick very often and tries to get out of work all the time.  We spend more money for him to commute to work than he is making so instead of the credit cards going down, they go up.  I pay them down and he spends the money and sometimes, even wastes money.  I feel like I’m the only one vested in trying to save money for fertility treatments.  I’m beyond frustrated and emotional today.  Every time I try to talk to him about it we have a blowup.  He keeps saying that there is no hiring boom.  I need to wait for the hiring boom.  Turns out, he missed the US Airways hiring boom.  He said he was going to finish his logbook in July.  He said it would take 2 weeks.  It’s October and he just finished.  He was on disability from July 23rd till Sept 13th.  In that time, we got no money from him and we have recharged all the credit cards.  He’s always upset because we have no money but he doesn't do anything to fix it.  Just complains about it and bitches about his awful job.  Right now, I struggle to go to work and see all these people who have children and families.  I deal with it every day and today I want to sulk, cry and feel a little sorry for myself.  

Saturday, October 5, 2013

Throwing in the towel...

It's been six months since we got our new family member.  However, it is apparent that she may not want to be a part of our family.  She attacks me often and especially in the middle of the night when I go to the bathroom.  I have scratches and bruises from her clawing and biting me. I have to wear long sleeves so my arms are covered.  She has no problem with J for the most part.  We've tried giving her time outs when she acts out.  It's sort of like a temper tantrum.  When she doesn't get her way, she goes nuts.  I brought her in to the vet today.  They couldn't even do a blood test on her.  She went crazy.  The vet suggested sedating her for the blood test.  Unfortunately, that was going to add to the bill which we just can't afford.  She also suggested a behaviorist.  Another way too expensive option for us.  Honestly, I don't think she has any medical issues.  The vet mentioned that she was possibly a feral cat that someone took in at one point.  I really see the only option right now is to find her a new home but who can handle her?  We are considering finding a farm for her to live on.  This way, she can run around outside and I think she'd be very happy.  It still makes me sad that this didn't work out.  

Sunday, September 29, 2013

Sickness....

Well, I was having a so so week but it ended on a bad note.  I've been getting stabbing pains in my ear on and off and by the end of the week, I was feeling pretty crappy.  Luckily, I was able to get to the doctors and got antibiotics for an ear infection that was starting.  I still feel crappy but hopefully I will start feeling better soon.  While I was waiting for my turn at the pharmacy, I overheard a mother and daughter complaining because the daughters birth control wasn't free this time.  Nice.  Medications that make people better have to be paid for but women can get free birth control. (Obviously not all brands of birth control are free, but you can get it for free if you know which ones are covered)  Nothing pisses me off more than that. Why do people expect everything should be free?  Better yet, why was it put out there by the President that birth control will be free.  Why isn't it all free?  Oh yeah, if it was all free, then we would have even higher taxes to pay for that.  Better yet, why don't I get free infertility treatments?  Seems reasonable to me that if they can give women free birth control to stop pregnancies then they should give free infertility treatments for getting pregnant.  The fact is nothing is free unless you won't work and get food stamps to live off of.  I've worked since I was 13 and haven't stopped yet.  Still working, still contributing to society and still trying to figure out how to save for expensive medical treatments so I can have my family.  I guess I need to learn how to work the system so I can get stuff FREE, FREE, FREE.  Can you tell I'm feeling bitter today?

Monday, September 2, 2013

Fall cleaning, fall eating...

So, I've been working on eating better and today I started back at the gym.  My doctor said I need to count carbs in order to get my blood sugar down.  I'm still only pre-diabetic.  My A1C is 6.1 even though I've had some really high numbers.  My doctor thinks that during the day it must be dropping.  She said no medications unless it goes over 6.5 so my goal is to keep it down with diet and exercise.  However, counting carbs gets old and tiring.  But I managed to drop 3 lbs so far.  I think losing 10 lbs will really make a difference.  One of my co-workers is also on a diet so we're trying to support each other.  She's doing really well and that's inspiring me to do better.  This week is my week on vacation at home, so not only am I going to the gym daily, but I'm working on cleaning out the bedrooms.  I have till Sunday to get 2 full rooms cleaned out and habitable.  It's a challenge but I'm up for it.  

Sunday, August 18, 2013

Putting on the happy face....

Every day I go to work and put on that smile. I show excitement for the pregnant women I encounter every day. I truly am happy for them. Even if they complain about how ill they are. I'd gladly go through all of that with excitement. I've worked at the same place for over 7 years and I've seen families go from 0-4 babies within that time. They'll never know the heartache I go through every day. I try not to talk about it anymore. I feel like it consumes me and it does. I read a quote from Brooke Shields on an infertility website. "The difficulty of IVF or of any fertility issues is the hope and the shattered hope, the dream that it might happen this time and then it doesn't happen". That statement is so true. Each IVF gave me that hope and then it was shattered. I hope and pray that our next attempt will be the successful one. I hope and pray that we can get the funds together and the loans necessary to try again. In less than 2 months, I'll find out about the grant. In September I'm taking a week off. My plan is to get this house in order. J will probably be home but he promised not to get in my way. Maybe if I can get this house in order it will help with everything else. Maybe it will help with my spirits. I really need that right now.

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Expecting the unexpected....

J had to have minor surgery yesterday.  Everything seemed to go fine.  On the way home he started losing it. That's my husband.  He had dry mouth and it was bothering him a lot plus he was going through a nicotine fit and hungry.  So, he got loud and obnoxious about it.  He was trying to eat and he said he couldn't swallow because he was so dry.  So every bite, he slammed his hand down on the counter (kind of like a temper tantrum for an adult). Then we got Biotene from CVS and that didn't help.  He called the number supplied on the discharge papers but when he got voice mail, he slammed the phone down without leaving a message. Anyway, we went to get sour sour gum to see if that would help.  We wound up at the mall and he got his gum.  I got some soup for myself, since I was now getting the shakes from not eating.  Finally, he called the number on the discharge papers and left a message.  They called back within 10 minutes and said he had to wait it out.  It was from the anesthesia and pain medication they gave him.  About an hour later, J realizes he can't pee and he drank 2 bottles of Gatorade after he left the hospital.  So this time he calls the Dr's office and she said he should be OK but to go to the emergency room if he doesn't start peeing and if he's in pain. It can eventually lead to Kidney damage if he doesn't pee.  Anyway, he wound up going but then at 2 AM he woke up unable to pee again.  So we went to the ER.  They gave him these pills (forgot what they are called) to help and so far so good. What we didn't know is that during the surgery they put a catheter in and maybe this is what was causing the problem now.  Anyway, I'm glad that this is over but I am dog tired now.  And I thought he'd be bitching about the pain from the surgery.  Let's hope we don't have to do this again.  

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Waiting for tough decisions...

J finally made the decision to scrap his car renovation idea.  I can't tell you how happy that made me today but it also made me sad.  J has put so much into this whole thing.  The goal was to restore a few cars but last year when J decided to do it, we were low on funds.  We were both hoping he could afford to keep this shop open to do the restore but we could never come up with the money.  And since he doesn't handle stress well, he finally agreed to just sell the cars as is and get rid of the shop that's costing us a ton a of money each month.  I feel awful that we couldn't pay down the credit cards the way we wanted but the rent on this shop has been a hardship.  Not to mention that J always takes on too much and can never get everything he wants to get done.  I'm hoping that with this going away, we can save more money each month.  At least that's what I'm hoping on.  

Sunday, August 4, 2013

Life just goes on....

This week, I found out another co-worker is pregnant.  My office is filled with pregnant women, in all shapes and sizes right now.  It's like that year round.  There are even designated parking spots for all the preggers in the office.  I try not to show anyone how jealous I feel inside.  I truly am happy for all the ladies that are pregnant but I still wish it was happening to me too.  I know I will have another chance to try and hopefully it will be at the beginning of next year.  Our funds are running short but I am paying down our credit cards and our credit scores are going up slowly.  Plus, I'm still holding out for that fertility grant.  We'll find out by Oct 15th by email if we were chosen.  Please say a prayer for us.  That grant will help us out tremendously with our quest to parenthood.   

Monday, July 29, 2013

Hanging on and trying for short term goals...

So, I'm working on staying healthy (trying to at least) and trying to get our finances under control.  I'm also insanely busy at work.  I'm thinking that's a good thing.  I'm getting more opportunities to shine and right now, I need to have something positive to focus on.  I'm still thinking about the baby thing a lot but I need to focus on something other than babies.  It's been hard.  My company is always popping out babies at every turn.  Someone is always pregnant and I'm truly happy for anyone able to achieve pregnancy easily.  They are truly lucky and blessed.  I know our time will come.  Either with pregnancy or adoption we will become parents somehow. It may take years but we will get there. I'm still praying we get that grant and we're able to save the money we need for IVF package of our choice.  I've also decided I need to do something about this house.  I'm taking a week off in Sept to stay home and do a full cleaning.  Maybe getting the house in order will help both J and I get out of our depression and anger.  He has his anger issues because of his career right now.  But he's getting is log book in order and getting things done.  I really hope he keeps moving forward with that and he can get on with a company that secures our future. If he can do that, I know it will also help with both of our depression.  It's been a tough 5 years but it has to get better.

Saturday, July 20, 2013

Despair....

Despair, sadness, alone.  I'm hoping it will pass and I'll be feeling like my old self soon.  My health issues, finances and the fact that J has been away for the last 2 weeks doesn't help.  I have profound sadness that we've been trying to conceive so long and have been unsuccessful.  I've put my life on hold waiting for that moment I get to hold our child.  What if it never happens.  I feel like my life is so meaningless right now. Praying that these feelings pass soon.  

Saturday, July 13, 2013

Thyroid up, thyroid down, thyroid up?

Well, I don't know what's going on with me lately.  In the last week, I've felt like I did when my thyroid was overactive, now it feels normal again.  Can your thyroid go overactive, under-active and then back to overactive?  I went for a blood test but it came back normal.  It's just been crazy.  I guess I just need to wait and see what happens.  Could all of this be related to stress which I've had a lot of?  Bills seem to pile up and never go away no matter how much I try to pay things down.  And J keeps complaining about his job and it's starting to upset me lately.  He's the only one who can change that and he seems scared to move forward.  Now he tells me he should have sent out his resume last year because he could have gotten a job last year with a major.  Now he's not so sure.  The whole thing just irritates me.  Here I am trying to save money and getting nowhere.  I really hope we can qualify for a loan next January.  I really want to go for another fertility treatment by then.  I just thought we'd have more money saved and our credit cards paid down.  J just doesn't make enough money and it's hurting us.  Anyway, we did get to visit family over the 4th of July.  J's nephew got married. It was so nice to see everyone and as always, it was too short of a trip but I'm glad we went.  It's the little things that keep me going.

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

I had my Dr's appointment yesterday.  My blood tests are now normal for my thyroid levels which is good.  She said I have thyroid antibodies which she called Hashimotos and I should continue to take the low dose of thyroid medicine.  I'm due to have it checked in 2 months.  I brought up my high blood sugars in the morning and they did an A1C and it turns out it's gone up since my last check in March.  It was 5.4 and now it's 5.9.  She wants me to have that checked in 2 months as well.  No meds yet just checking to see where it goes.  I'm working out 3-4 times/week for months now (J has noticed my butt looks more shapely) and trying to watch my carbs.  She said if it goes over 200 to contact her sooner than our next appointment but lets hope it doesn't.  I'm just so tired of trying and I feel like I should be able to stop it from happening. 

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Year half over....

It's already June and I feel like I've accomplished nothing.  I had goals but it doesn't seem I can meet them.  I was supposed to have about 4K by now but all I have is 500 and I keep having more expenses.  It doesn't help that I've had medical expenses.  And we do have things that have been neglected around the house that need to get done.  But it all cost money and I don't want to spend it.  I want to save it.  J said he is looking at finishing his log book and getting a new job.  He said he thinks he could be based out of ORD which would be nice for us.  Even if he had reserve for a few months the money is more than he is making now.  And he can finish his projects which would be great.  I just don't know anymore.  And I'm so tired all the time.  This morning my BS level was 170.  I have an appt with my doctor on Monday so we can discuss it.  It's been high like that for a while.  At least it feels like it. Maybe that's why I'm tired all the time. 

Monday, May 27, 2013

Going to the gym with fatigue...

I've been trying really hard to keep up with going to the gym.  I've managed to go 5 times last week and I'm going to try to do the same this week.  I find that going in the morning has been easy for me to do.  Scottie wakes me up every morning by 5AM anyway.  It's been impossible to stop him.  No matter what.  He makes noises, cries loudly, walks on the furniture and knocks stuff over all in an attempt to get me out of bed.  Well it worked and I decided to be productive so I go to the gym for a 30 minute run on the treadmill.  The only thing that's getting me down now is the contant fatigue.  Right now, I can roll over and go for a nap.  It's 11:20AM.  I had a nap on Sat and Sun but I'm determined to make progress today.  I am worried about why I'm feeling this way.  I've noticed a huge spike in my morning BS levels.  Today was 170.  I'm not sure if it's my BS causing the fatigue or my underactive thyroid.  I can try to control the BS.  I'm going to start measuring my food again.  I've gotten sloppy so maybe thats the answer.  I've got to know how many carbs I'm eating per meal.  It gets so old having to measure everything and watch everything I eat.  One of my coworkers is a type 1 diabetic and I'm always hearing people talk about her behind her back because she doesn't watch what she eats but I know from my own experience, it's easier said than done and no one should be judging until they walk a mile in her shoes.  Anyway, I need to start getting this right again. I hope I can. 

Sunday, May 19, 2013

Trying to be patient....

Well, it's now almost the end of May.  I'm trying to be patient and wait my turn.  Save my money.  I'm wondering what my purpose in this world is sometimes.  At work, I'm surrounded by pregnant co-workers.  And there are a lot of them.  It's sometimes hard to deal with but I manage.  I think about what I'm doing to have my chance and that helps.  I've also been fillin out the application for an IVF grant which would help us out a lot.  It would mean no loan but it's a long shot.  I'm almost ready to mail it.   I just have a few more things I need for it.  For one thing, J needs to write a personal statement.  He's been giving me a hard time about it.  This application wasn't easy.  I had 19 pages to fill out.  I had to make copies of birth certificates, marriage license, medical records, doctors statement, tax returns, pay stubs and even a picture of us.  It's been a lot of work and the only thing I asked of J was that he do his own personal statement.  We started arguing about it today and that just pissed me off.  I know its not easy to do but he needs to make a small effort.  I've done everything else, including my own personal statement, which I gave him so he had something reference. 

The other thing on my mind has been this whole Thyroid issue.  At first it was overactive.  Now it's underactive.  I've gained 8 lbs in one month.  Scary.  I'm currently on Synthroid and have a follow up appointment with my Endo next month.  Maybe this is another reason I'm not having my opportunity for a baby yet.  Maybe I need to get this under control so I can have a super healthy pregnancy and baby. 

Just a half a year to go till I have my turn.

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Moods...

I’m not sure what’s going on with me lately.  Maybe it’s about all the “waiting for next year” to do treatments.  Everywhere I look someone is pregnant in my office or just had a baby.  It’s so hard to be happy especially when it feels like I’m not moving forward. I’ve been very short with J these days.  I just don’t know what to make of this entire car mess we have.  He keeps telling me he wants to fix the cars and sell them.  Then he winds up spending all the money we have available on the credit card as soon as we get the loans to pay them.  Since Feb, I’ve had to help him pay the rent on the shop and I had to pay the clinic what I owed them from last summer.  Then he keeps saying that he doesn’t have the money to fix the cars and sell them.  It’s a vicious cycle.  He takes on too many projects and it drives me crazy and we wind up spending more money that we should have. Money we could have been saving all along.  He keeps telling me it’s going to work out but all I feel like doing is crying right now.  I’m a mess inside and out.  We have mounting medical bills for both of us and he doesn’t even open them.  I do and he makes it seem like he can’t afford to pay them.  I can’t pay them.  I pay for everything right now. He was supposed to pay for his shop and he’s not doing it because he doesn’t have the money.  He said he was going to fix the cars, fix the cars, and fix the cars.  We’ve been at this since Dec and I guess he should just junk them already.  I’ve spent thousands of dollars that was supposed to be saved for our treatment next year and I don’t know if I’ll get it back.  Every time I turn around we are spending any credit we have available for something else.  We have a wedding in VA that we are going to and that will cost us money for airfare, car rental and hotel.  And of course we need to give the bride and groom a gift.  We need to buy a battery for the SUV before it dies in May and get new tires.  We also have to get the new cat spayed.  That’s another $200 out the window.  I know this is how life goes but we never seem to get ahead.  J is bad at saving.  Any extra money seems to get spent in the few minutes he seems to have it.  I want him to start saving but he won’t do it.  Anything to do with money he just doesn’t handle it right.  I’m having so much anxiety right now I can’t sleep at night without taking Ambien.  I’m trying to continue exercising as much as possible.  I think it helps work off the anxiety.  Anyway, I’ve spent enough time getting upset and getting it out of my system.  I wrote this a few hours ago and at the time was feeling awful.  Now, I’m actually feeling better.  Damn those mood swings.

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Thyroid issues...

Well I had my follow-up appointment with my endo today.  She believes it's an inflamed thyroid and there are no medications that fix that.  It has to run it's course.   She said it should fix itself and is hoping it won't take longer than 6 months but she wants me to go once a month for a follow-up blood test to check my thyroid levels.  She doesn't want me to get pregnant while it's like this since it can cause harm to a fetus.  

Anyway, I've made plans to visit my friend in Florida and decided that I need to go to the gym as much as possible.  I initially said I would go every day till my trip but my muscles are sore today (I did a body sculpting DVD) so I'm taking today off and will go back tomorrow. 

Our new kitty seems to be doing well.  He coos and purrs.  He likes J a lot more than me.  I think it's because I'm the one always picking him up and moving him.  He's had some contact with the other kitties and hissing went on so it will be a bit longer before they can co-exist. 

Saturday, March 30, 2013

Doing things for me...

I've decided to try to make some changes in my life.  I've been struggling so much lately.  I'm still saving or trying to save for our next cycle but I also want to do things for myself too.  J and I finally visited his family in VA.  We used J's non-rev benefits to travel.  We were going to go from ORD-DTW-RIC. Seems simple enough.  Then the day before J said everything was overbooked so we decided to from ORD-CVG-RIC.  It left later in the day so we didn't have to leave till around 9AM.  Then in the morning, everything again was overbooked.  J was ready to cancel but I guess I looked very disappointed so he came up with another idea.  Drive to SBN then fly to DTW-RIC.  Well we got to DTW and RIC had only one seat and the passenger showed up for it at the last minute.  So we went to CVG then to RIC.  Took us 12 hours to get there.  I guess that's the life of a non-rev.  I think for my nephews wedding, we'll just get tickets.  I want to make sure we get there.  Anyway, it was so nice to see everyone and we got to meet J's new sister-in-law.  They will be married a year this coming Memorial Day weekend.  We wound up coming home earlier than we originally wanted.  We went from RIC-ATL-SBN.  This time everything went smoothly. Once we got home, we went to pick up a new cat from a co-worker.  She couldn't handle the kitty.  He's young and playful and needs to be played with more than she was doing.  The result was that he would try to instigate attention by biting and jumping on her and biting.  She was a bit scared so we took him.  She named him Dude but J calls him Roscoe.  He's a dead ringer for your Yeager. Just not the same temperament.  Kind of reminds me of that movie Pet Cemetery.  Anyway, we've been working on getting all the kitties together but this new one is way too scared right now.  Hopefully in a few weeks we'll have some harmony...at least I hope so. 

Other than that, I've been looking forward to getting this thyroid issue under control.  Appointment is coming up this week.  I've also finally booked a trip to visit my friend in Florida.  I've been wanting to go but money issues have stopped me over and over again.  I'm super excited to see her.  She has a massage booked, a boat ride and an afternoon at the ballet. I just so excited. 

Saturday, March 16, 2013

Feeling a bit sad today...

J left for a trip today and won't be back till Wed.  I don't know why but I'm feeling a bit down right now.  I'm having a thyroid uptake scan this week and that is also making me anxious.  The thyroid symptoms have also been making me feel off lately.  I'm always hungry, overheated and fatigued. I'm also having some insomnia.  J has been needing our savings fund for his project and that's part of why I'm feeling down.  He promised to pay it all back to me but I'm worried he won't be able to.  He signed a lease for this place for 6 months, then he freaked out and didn't do anything.  Now I'm freaking out.  It's almost April and I have nothing saved.  NOTHING.  I wanted at least 10K by next January and we have NOTHING.  I feel like my life is nothing but hardship lately.  J needs a loan so he can get those cars sold.  So that is what we are doing next.  We'll see how that goes next week.  I'm not crazy about the loan company but we are still credit challenged folks.  I just need to have faith that things will work out for us and that J will put the money back into our savings.

Sunday, March 3, 2013

Testiness and anxiety...

Well for the last few weeks, J has been telling me that I am appearing agitated.  He said it's usually him and I usually keep him calm but I'm not doing that right now.  I guess I've been feeling agitated lately.  I think it may be related to my overactive thyroid.  Every once in a while I feel my heart beating really fast and this weekend I ate like it was my last meal on earth.  As a result of my crazy eating my blood sugars have been really high.  They've been high for the last few weeks but today was awful .  My app with the new doctor is next week so hopefully I can get answers and treatment that will fix this quickly.   I just don't want to go on meds for the diabetes but I'm afraid that's coming.  My A1C is still 5.4 so we'll see what she says.  I don't like feeling so fatigued but when your BS goes really high then drops it causes sleepiness.  I just need to continue my efforts with the gym.  I took a week off to recuperate from my nasty cold but now I have no excuses.  The cold is gone so now I have to start going again. 

Sunday, February 17, 2013

Crazy week...

Last week was a bit crazy.  I had a headache from Mon-Thurs.  So I went to the Dr on Thursday.  I've been having these migraines since my last cycle and J has wanted me to get them checked out.  I'm pretty sure it's hormone related and my Dr pretty much said it could be too.  She didn't see anything that would indicate a brain issue so she gave me a prescription for migraines.  She also had me get a blood test to make sure my blood sugar wasn't out of control.  Anyway, I got a call the next day and the nurse said I needed to get another blood test to test my thyroid and that I needed to get an ultrasound of my thyroid.  I'm trying hard not to worry.  I don't know what exactly my thyroid numbers need to be and I'm not sure what they even were.  I guess I'll find out more tomorrow.  Now I have a whopper of a cold and feel like crap.  Hope this week isn't as crazy as last week.  

Monday, February 11, 2013

Paranoia???

On Feb 13th it will be my 7 year anniversary at my company.  This last year feels like I'm back in High School.  I feel like some of my co-workers talk behind my back.  IM about me.  It really makes a person feel like crap when that goes on and I'm not sure what to do about it except keep my distance.  Could it be that I'm just paranoid?  I tend to believe that if you feel like people are talking about you behind your back you probably aren't wrong.  I need things to change at work.  Maybe I should just eat at my desk from now on.  Stay away from the culprits.  Even some co-workers that I had thought were my friends but certainly don't act like it.  I guess it's best to just go to work, do my job, go home.  Keep it professional.  Today, I'm feeling emotional and fragile.  I just hope tomorrow is a better day.

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Getting back to normal...

Well the day has finally come.  J has gone back to work.  He's been home since Dec 31st and I have to say I'm glad he's gone.  Don't get me wrong, I love having J home but things need to get back to normal.  I know I'll miss having a wonderful home cooked meal every night.  It was almost always ready for me when I got home from work.  I was actually shocked that we ate at home almost every night.  It was nice.  It feels weird tonight too.  I feel like I'm waiting for him to come upstairs but we've already said goodnight to each other on the phone so I know I won't hear from him till tomorrow.  The cats are also acting different tonight.  Amelia knows he's gone.  She didn't eat her dinner tonight but she'll be back to normal tomorrow.  Even though, with all that I'll be missing, it's still nice to have my alone time back again.  :)

Sunday, February 3, 2013

Homeowner or just a renter...

Well something strange has happened in the last few days. J and I have gone through lots of financial hardship starting back in 2006.  By 2008 we had no choice but to file bankruptcy.  It was clear that we wouldn't be able to pay our credit cards no matter how hard we tried to come up with a way.  Thank you aviation and the wonderful starting pays.  We found a lawyer, got money from my parents and proceeded to file the necessary paperwork.  We signed re-affirmations for our car and the house mortgages. I'll admit that so much was going on that we couldn't keep track of everything.  I had hoped the lawyer would be on top of all that but I guess not.  We received the re-affirmation document for our car but we hadn't thought about the mortgages.  Apparently they got lost at the mortgage companies and were never returned to our lawyers office before our debt was dismissed.  We continued to pay but we had more problems and needed to do a loan modification to help us out for the 1st year.  We found out that since both mortgages were dismissed, which only means we get no credit on our credit history for having a mortgage, but doesn't change the fact that they still have a lien on the house.  We were successful in getting the 1st mortgage modified.  We stopped paying the second mortgage since they couldn't foreclose anyway and we were in the hole 100K anyway.  We figured we would pay our 1st mortgage till we were ready to move on and just give the keys back to the bank.  Well a few days ago we got a UPS package from our 2nd mortgage and the letter said they were releasing the lien on our house due to some state and federal government settlement.  They have been trying to reach us for a few months now and we just avoided the calls.  I kept thinking that J would call and say "early April Fools" or it was in the UPS package and he missed it.  But he didn't and it looks real.  Now I feel like this is our house again.  We haven't done much with it but this changes everything. We're not just renters were homeowners again.  At least that's how it feels.  It all seems so unreal right now. 

Friday, February 1, 2013

An enjoyable day off...

I decided yesterday that I would take off from work today.  Good decision on my part.  I woke up at 3AM and couldn't fall back asleep.  Sleeping late made me feel better even though Scottie was relentless in trying to get me up for breakfast.  J finally went down and gave them food.  It did the trick.  We were all back sleeping before I knew it.  It felt so good to get that extra sleep.  The weather here has been awful this week.  Warm weather and thunderstorms earlier in the week, then frigid temperatures and wind the rest of the week.  I almost couldn't get into my car yesterday because it was frozen shut.  In fact J got into the car but the lock froze in the open position and he couldn't make his appointment.  Oh well.  That's Chicago for you. 

Monday, January 28, 2013

Positive attitudes...

I've started to notice a trend.  I write when I'm down and depressed.  I'm not down and depressed ALL the time.  Sometimes I am but not all the time.  Today was a good day.  The weather here in the midwest has been unusual.  Last night we had a freezing rain and thunderstorms.  J even salted the walkway but it didn't really matter.  By the morning it was in the 40's so no more ice.  Tomorrow we are going into the high 50's to 60's.  Crazy right?  Then we are back to reality.  Temps go down, down and down.  Single digits by end of day Thursday into Friday.  The joys of living in the northern midwest.  Anyway, I think the nice temps put me in a good mood today.  Let's hope my mood stays good unlike tempermental mother nature.

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Picking myself up....

This week has been a bit better than last week.  J is still home but he is working on a project while he heals his neck.  We're both hoping that he'll be able to go back to work very soon.  We really need the money and right now, I have to pay the rent on his storage till March which means I don't get to save anything and things will be fairly tight the next few months.  But as soon as he can, I'm getting that money back from him.  I'm hoping sometime in May.  If I read it correctly, his company is supposed to exit bankruptcy in May and their should be a payout to the pilots.  Unless they meant May 2014 but it didn't have a year listed only the month so I'm hopeful.  Anyway, I'm working on getting back into a routine of working out.  So far, I've been able to kick the junk food habit at work.  I was getting back into bad habits from the holidays.  I have gained a few pounds but hopefully, that will come off now that I'm being more careful.  I'm trying to keep busy and be more social.  I think it will help me mentally if I have things to do and keep me from focusing on baby baby baby all the time. 

This weekend will be a challenge for me.  J has someone coming over next week and I need to straighten up the house.  This may sound like a small project but it's not.  The baby thing has consummed my life and everything has taken a back seat including keeping the house tidy.  So basically, it's a disaster.  I have mail, papers, junk everywhere and the easiest thing to do is hide it in drawers when people come over but I really need to tackle that. Having a somewhat tidy house is important to me and I'm ashamed that I let it go for so long.  Hopefully, when I write next week, I'll have made progress on that.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Tired….

Today has been a hard day for me. I'm feeling really sensitive and sad today. I just feel like crying. Maybe it's because I'm tired. Or maybe it's because I'm faking it lately. I'm trying to be happy but I'm not. I'm 45 and my life is still on hold. J is not well and that doesn't help anything. I'm trying not to be upset about the money. I know he didn't plan on this but it does set us back. I know I can pay the bills for the shop but I'd hate for 6 months to go by and he gets nothing done. I feel like it's the story of my life. Nothing seems to make sense anymore. I'm just so tired right now. I haven't slept well for days because of J and I'm just so damn tired.

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Start of 2013

This is the second week of 2013 and I'm not sure it's starting out well. J hurt is neck…I think. Anyway, he's in a lot of pain and can't get comfortable at night to even go to sleep. He's finally going to the doctor today so hopefully they can do something for him. I printed out all the information on ESL (Extended Sick Leave) so we know what to do. He's been freaking out over the loss of pay and the fact that he recently rented a shop. We have a lease for six months so that is what he is worried about among other things. I think everything will be fine. ESL will pay you 60% of your salary. I guess we'll see what the doctor says but I'm hoping it's just a few weeks of physical therapy and back to work. Pray, pray. I know he's been crazy worried because I'm trying to save money for our next treatment and he doesn't want to take any of that savings from me. He stresses too much. I stress too but more out of frustration than anything else. I've already resided to the fact that we'll have to wait till at least next January to do another treatment. I'm hoping both of us can get a $2500 FSA which will give us a tax free/interest free loan for 2014. That along with our savings and 401K loan will give us most of the money we need for a cycle. I just need to keep focusing on that to get me through this year. I'm also hoping to get a loan by then too. We'll see. I'm very satisfied with my savings plan and paying down our debts. It's nice to have some of that taken care of. I think it will help our credit scores tremendously and we should be able to get a loan based on that. One thing I have to start doing again is getting healthy. I was doing so well in December but can't seem to get in the groove of things again. I have a goal of losing about 20 more pounds by summer. I think it will help keep my blood sugar in check plus, I really like how J has been acting around me. He said my legs look like Ferrari's. I'd say that was a very nice compliment and should give me incentive to keep it up.
This week also has a sad memory for me. Two years ago on Jan 10th, we had to put our sweet Yeager to sleep. I still miss him and wish he could've lived forever. I have two other cats but neither of them have the temperament that Yeager did. I was his peeps and he always tried to make me happy. It was like he was afraid of disappointing me or something. Even when he was terminally ill, he would purr and snuggle with us. And we both still miss him.

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Goodbye 2012....

2012 was not my best year.   Unfortunately, it was filled with stress, anxiety and disappointment for me.  I'm glad it's over and I'm welcoming 2013 in with open arms.  Not saying all my dreams will come true in 2013 but we have a plan of action and that is all I can hope for.  The rest is in God's hands.  Hope everyone had a wonderful New Years and may all your dreams come true in 2013

KitchenAid KSM150PSCU Artisan Series 5-Qt. Stand Mixer with Pouring Shield - Contour Silver

ASUS Touchscreen 14" Flip 2-in-1 Chromebook (Latest Model), Full HD Display, Intel Core M3-8100Y, 8G