End of 2011....

I just can't deny that I'm happy this year is finally over.  And of course, it ends with me having shingles.  2012 has to be a good year because this year just plain sucked.  Yeager died, I didn't get preggo from my 3 IVF's, I found out I was diabetic and now, I have shingles to end the year.  And I have to say, shingles is really painful and ugly.  Luckily, I think I got the anti-viral meds in time.  It started on my hairline, hidden by my hair but it started to travel down my forehead.  Just a little and now it stopped travelling but I still feel the pain.  It's like being stabbed with push pins in my head.  Plus, the left side of my head and face feel tingly all the time.  Luckily, I have pain meds from my eye injury.  With all that has been bad I have had some positive things happen.  Finding out about the diabetes has helped me get healthy.  I've lost weight, go to the gym on a regular basis and feel good.  My A1C has gone done a point which my doctor was really happy with.  Well, except for the shingles I feel good.  And I'm excited to start the new year.  My appointment is less than a month away so exciting things are going to happen.  I WILL get pregnant.  I WILL have a baby.  IT IS GOING TO HAPPEN.  Here's to a happy new year.

Accomplishments...

Needless to say this has been a tough year.  The one thing I wanted more than ever was to get pregnant and finally have our family.  Although that didn't work out, yet, I'm hopeful for the future.  Not to say that this year has been a bust for accomplishments because it hasn't.  I'm happy to say that my blood test had good results and I can't wait to discuss with my doctor tomorrow.  I've managed to lose weight, lower my cholesterol, triglycerides and A1C.  I'm within normal range for most of my tests other than blood sugar and one of the cholesterols.  These past years, I've watched my weight go up and up and the IVF over the last year added another 10lbs.  I've tried over and over to lose weight in the past but by far this is the most successful I've been and I don't intend to stop till I've reached my goal or if I'm pregnant of course.  I think I only need to lose another 10 lbs.  15 more would be awesome but I'll be happy with 10.  Sometimes small goals are better than the big ones.  It just feels good to know that I was able to accomplish this in the last few months of the year.  Maybe it's the start of new outlook for me.  I need to feel good about myself and eating right and exercise has helped tremedously.  Here's to 2012 and good things to come.

Blood sugar ups and downs...

This diabetes thing is kicking my butt today.  I must say, that since I've modified my eating and count my carbs and exercise I have felt much better.  I don't get the constant headaches and fatigue daily anymore.  That being said, sometimes I still feel out of wack.  I was good till after lunch.  Then the headache set in.  I was feeling pretty miserable so when I got home I checked my blood sugar.  Surprise, surprise, it was 85.  That's like normal but for someone who's blood sugar has been in the 100-140 range for a while now, 85 can make a person feel rather ill.  No worries though, I ate some food and in 2 hours it was 119.  Just finished my snack but I still feel like crap.  I wanted to work out tonight and now I feel guilty that I didn't.  I hope I can make it up Thursday or Friday. 

Anyway, the rest of my week at work will be easy but at home, I'm in the midst of making my holiday cards and it's important that I finish and get them in the mail by the end of this weekend.  I'm pleased with how they are coming out too.  Last years card was a disaster.  Yeager was dying and I was overwhelmed with starting my first IVF. 

Getting ready for my 1st DE/IVF....

I've waited so long to start this process.  I can't believe it's finally here.  We have our initial consult out in NC at the end of January.  I'm so excited.  My understanding is that it could take 2-3 months after the initial consult.  We are doing a split donor cycle so we need to find a donor and wait for another couple that is interested in that same donor.  Hopefully, it will go by quickly.  Back to injections, meds, etc.  I don't know what kind of drugs they use.  I'm just excited to get the process started already.  J mentioned driving up to Richmond to visit his parents the day before our appointment.  We haven't told anyone in our families what we are doing so I don't know what J will say to them.  Anyway, it's nice to be able to focus on that appointment and know I'm moving in a direction.  Luckily, I'm super busy at work so the time should go by quickly.  I have our flight booked too.  J wanted to jumpseat down but I was in fear of him not getting there.  So I bought a one way for him and round trip for me.  He can jumpseat back.  I wouldn't have even batted an eye when he mentioned jumpseating exept that we once flew from DC-NC and he left me on the plane to go to NC by myself. He finally had to rent a car and drive to Raleigh.  He couldn't get on any of the jumpseats because of the weight, if I am remembering correctly.  Anyway, the whole thing was very upsetting and this is way more important this time. 

Lazy, rainy days....

I guess rainy is better than snowy but either way, I'm not feeling motivated to do much. So far, we've gone grocery shopping and now I'm touching up my hair.  I think that today is pretty much a wash for the big cleanup.  Wish the weather was nicer.  Well at least my hair will look nice.

J's vacation schedule comes out on 12/1.  Looks like he didn't put much thought into it.  His plan was to get a week off in January and then in February.  However, he didn't really look at the weeks and chose week 1 and 4 and they are both in January.  As soon as we confirm his vacation, I plan to review the flights to Raleigh and call the clinic to make an appointment.  I feel really excited about this.  These last months have been difficult and filled with severe mood swings.  Sometimes hopeful & excited, then sometimes in despair & sadness.  It doesn't help that the bills from the last IVF are still outstanding.  I don't know how it's going to end but my feeling is not good on my side.  I've learned a valuable lesson in all this. Get everything in writing.  They were very convinced that it would all be covered under my old plan and now that's it's all gone wrong, no one wants to help with fixing this.  I'm trying not to get upset about it but it's life changing.  I feel duped. Anyway, I plan to fill out the appeal but I'm not feeling very hopeful at this point.  In the end I will talk to both creditors and work out the smallest payment plan ever. It will take years to pay it back and if they have an issue, they can take it up with my RE's office since they are responsible for insisting that it would all be covered. Anyway, I'm sick of thinking about this and writing about it.  It's still the same no matter what.  Right now, I need to try to focus on the positive things happening.  Praying that next year is going to be our year for our baby dreams to come true.

Week of Thanksgiving....

Finally, J left for a trip so I can finally post.  I love having J home but I get nothing done when he is here.  Anyway, I can't believe it's been over a year since I began my infertility treatment.  Well, technically, we've been trying for the last 8+ years with no luck but the aggressive treatment with an RE was started in Aug 2010.  I had such hopes that IVF would be the answer to our baby dreams.  I'm still holding out hope for next year and I'm getting excited that it's almost here.  Plus, I've been working hard at getting healthy.  I've lost more than 10lbs and my blood sugar is going down too.  It's not completely normal but I have faith that I can get it under control and keep it under control.  My doctor has mentioned that this is progressive so one day I could be on meds of some kind and most likely will be on meds during a pregnancy for sure.  I've been going to the gym 3x/week for the last month.  I'm trying to up it to 5x/week like the doctor wants.  I really like how I feel after and like the results I'm seeing. 

Thanksgiving is only 2 days away and J will be home.  I decided that a traditional turkey with stuffing is in order.  And of course, Kahlua Chocolate Cheesecake for dessert with a simple Ganache (I didn't tell J about the Ganache, it's a surprise).  Usually J is off flying somewhere till after the holiday so this is a treat for us and I'm excited about that.  We are also doing a major house cleaning.  He's taking care of the basement and I'm taking care of the rest of the house.  It's going slower than I'd like but I got inspired today when watching a hoarders episode.  I'm grateful that even though I get lazy about throwing stuff out, I do know when it's time to do so.  No therapy needed for me in that department.

It's been awhile....

Hmm. I haven't written in over a month.  I've been working really hard to keep up with this diet.  Today I got on the scale and it looks like I have a slight setback.  My Dr is happy with my blood sugar readings and weight loss so far.  They have been between 100 -120 pre-breakfast but I just switched meters and it's now a lot higher than that.  Around 130's.  I guess different meters can be set differently.  I'm trying not to let that get me down.  Also, sometimes I feel like J is sabotaging me a little.  He'll make some dessert and insist that I try it even though he knows I'm battling diabetes.  He also has been wanting to go out to dinner to buffets.  It's been a bit frustrating for me. On those nights, I've seen a significant increase in my blood sugar.  I seem to have better outcomes when J is away on a trip.  I choose better foods than he does. I do push to eat more chicken.  I buy them from the Walmart already cooked.  It's delicious, cheap and my blood sugar is usually in good shape.   I have a follow up with my doctor at the end of December so hopefully, with some more weight loss, exercise and monitoring my carb intake will have made a difference.  I really don't want to go on meds.

On a happier note, it looks like J will be home for Thanksgiving.  He is working on Tues and Wed though so I hope he is able to get home.  If not, we'll have Thanksgiving on Friday which is typical for a pilots family.  We rarely get to celebrate on the actual holiday so this will be a treat if he makes it home that night.  I have huge plans for that week as well. I plan to do a deep clean around this house.  I've neglected so much this past year and it's about time I get it all in order.  I had no idea that IVF would take such a toll on me.  Maybe because it didn't work and physically needed to recover.  Plus, it doesn't help having issues with the billing still.  I wound up writing a letter to my RE about the bills not getting paid as promised.  I called the other day to follow up and the receptionist seemed more friendly than the last times I spoke with her.  The last time, she said I need to call this one and that one.  She didn't want to deal with it.   I guess it wouldn't have upset me but all the bills still haven't been processed through the insurance company.  I asked about what's happening with the hospital portion of the bill and she said it should be reprocessed.  I'll give it till the end of November and if nothing has happened then I'll have to do another call or letter if necessary.  I hated writing the letter but I don't think my RE was aware of the billing issues and we couldn't get past the receptionist.  She is supposed to handle the billing.  Oh well.  Hopefully, it will be smooth sailing from here and this chapter will be closed soon.   

Down Day....

Everyday I start out great.  Everyday by the end of the day I'm feeling sad and alone.  I worry about everything these days.  I try not to but I just can't help it these days.  I'm stressed about all the money I'm spending because of my eye injury and now diabetes.  I also found out that I was misled by my doctors office regarding the coverage.  Since my company was sold in the middle of treatment, I was told by my RE's office that the bills should go through WIN Fertility.  They told me to bring copies in or fax them over if I were to get bills from anyone.  Now suddenly, I talked to WIN and they said they don't manage the professional services (hospital and anesthesia).  They said they just pass those on to Cigna as is.  Well, that's great.  Isn't that something I should have known before we moved forward?  It's almost 9K worth of bills that should have been $250.  Big mistake if you ask me and not to be taken lightly.  We don't have 9K and I refuse to use my baby fund to pay this bill.  It's really getting me down and I'm sick about it.  Every time I think we are getting ahead, something sets us back.  My HR administrator has been helping me sort through everything.  She was very upset when I told her the outcome.  She wants to put in a complaint.  When J comes home, I think he needs to contact the billing departments and set up a plan to pay them back before they go into collections.  Maybe they can reduce the bill by half.  It's worth finding out.  Maybe we can still try and appeal.  I guess I'm so frustrated because if I knew for sure that I would have to pay after the sale, I would have cancelled the cycle.  It wouldn't have been worth it for just a 5% chance. 

Anyway, the only good thing going on is my dedication to sticking to this diet to get healthy and lower my blood sugar.  I have another appointment with a diabetes educator and a dietician next week.  I've lost about 4-5 lbs already and it gives me motivation to keep it up.  My goal is to lose at least 20 if not 30 lbs.  I'm not sure I can make it to 30 lbs but I'll try.   Everyone who knows me says the same thing.  "Your not obese, why do you have diabetes?"  Obviously, that doesn't matter.  I want to be very healthy for next year.  I still plan to move forward on doing DE/IVF.  I try to focus on that because it's most important to me now.

Changes in my life....

It's been a few weeks since I've last posted.  At the end of Aug I had a appointment for a check-up.  I told my Dr. I have been feeling rather fatigued lately and generally not well.  She did some blood tests and discovered that I'm now a pre-diabetic.  I don't need meds which I'm grateful for but I have to change my diet and add 5 days of exercise into my schedule.  I've been trying really hard to watch what I eat.  I've started using sparkpeople.com again religiously.  They have a diabetic section so it's been really helpful and tomorrow, I have an appointment with a diabetic educator at the hospital.  I'm hoping they can tell me what I'm doing right or wrong. I have to use a glucose meter twice a day now.  I just never realized how much the food I choose to eat affects me.  Today was a good day for me.  My glucose after dinner was lower than when I woke up this morning.  Seems any bit of regular pasta or rice spikes my sugar level very high.  I really want to get this under control.  Its so important to me that no doctor says I'm not healthy enough to carry a baby.  I want to make sure I can move forward early next year for my next IVF.  I've waited so long for this and I can't allow anything to get in my way.

Also seem to be having some issues at work which frustrates me.  We have 2 account people I work with for a majority of the time on my team and I've tried to help them out since they sometimes seem so overwhelmed.  I've taken on some of there responsibilities in addition to my own.  As a result, the account director implied that I'm not doing a good enough job.  I've thought about it all weekend long and I'll talk to my supervisor  tomorrow about it.  I may have to give back those tasks they have come to rely on me for.  I guess it really irks me that I took on extra to help them, then get criticized by the same people I'm trying to help.  No problem though.  I'll concentrate on doing my job better and that mean they'll have to take those tasks back since it's affecting the quality of my job.  I'm worried about what they'll say to me tomorrow when I tell them but if someone is telling me that I'm not doing a great job at "my job" then I need to focus on "my job".  One of the things I really hate about my company and department is that I really don't get any promotions or incentive to strive for  Account gets promotions, creative gets promotions.  I just stay doing the same job as always.  No promotions in my department.  No rewards at all.  Right now, the only reason I'm still there is because it pays the bills and allows me to save for having my future children which is why I need to fix this situation as soon as possible.  I wish I could say I stay because it's a rewarding job and I enjoy it so much but I don't.  I haven't enjoyed it for a long time.  Someday, I hope to get into something I really enjoy doing.  Till then I'll just have to trek on with this place.

9/11

So hard to believe it's been 10 years.  I remember that day well.  I grew up in NY.  My family and friends still live in NY.  I was at work in Chicago when I realized what had happened.  J was at home.  Still sleeping and safe.  I'm not sure if I was moved more because I grew up in NY.  Or maybe it was because my innocence was lost that day.  I never believed we were ever in danger of a terrorist attack that could kill over 3000 lives in one day.  I still have a hard time believing it but today it all comes back to me.  It's a reality.  Like it just happened yesterday.  J is flying today but no where near NY. So much has changed since that day.  I haven't returned to see what NYC looks like without the Twin Towers.  It will never be the same.  I grew up with those buildings as the backdrop of photos from the Staten Island Ferry and from Brooklyn Heights.  From the Statue of Liberty.  I wonder what it looks like now.  I see it on TV but that's just not the same.  Maybe it's time to visit my family.  Anyway, it feels like such a sad day today. 

Wondering....

Sometimes I feel like I go through life wishing it was a day later.  Every Monday is dreaded and can't wait for it to end.  Then Tuesday goes by and I'm thankful that Wednesday will be here and it's the middle of the week.  Wednesday is good because I know I'm in the middle and at the end of the day I will be looking forward to Thursday because now I only have 2 days left till the end.  And of course, Friday comes and I ever so grateful because now I have Sat and Sun off to relax.  I feel like I wish my life away and now that I'm in my 40's I have nothing to show for it.  I've spent so much time wishing for the next day to come.  Now I'm wishing for the time to go by so we can start our next IVF treatment.  I'm excited about it but at the same time it still feels like a lifetime away.  I'm worried about so much.  Right now, it's not looking good my previous IVF getting paid for by the insurance.  The last few weeks I've talked to the RE's office and I've been getting the run around.  They knew my company was being sold and they told me the procedure would be paid for since I started treatment prior to the sale.  Now I talk to the office and I get the craziest questions.  Like implying that I had this same coverage for the entire year except my first 2 procedures were fully covered.  Then, I was asked if I changed jobs.  Really?  We talked about all this prior to anything happening and now it's all a problem. They assured me that the costs will be covered.  J said he would go to the RE's office and talk to them in person. He said we'll file an appeal and he'll work out a payment plan with the hospital.  I'm just so upset.  It's over $8.000 in medical bills that would have only cost us $250 and I think my RE's office screwed up when they said it would all be covered.  Now we are getting the run around.  I had hoped to get a loan to help pay for the next IVF but looks like I'll have to wait a bit longer and pay for it ourselves.  I wanted to start at the beginning of the year but I might have to wait till around April or May.  I've waited this long, I guess a few months more is ok. 

Anyway, J & I had an interested holiday weekend.  J has been going crazy buying cars and car parts for his projects.  Well, he took my car out to Lansing, MI to look at and buy a car.  He rented a Uhaul truck and dolly to tow the car back and left my car in Lansing.  We rented a one way car to Lansing to pick up my car.  We were almost there when I asked the loaded question.  You have the keys to the Nissan, right?  Well, the answer was no.  Now, we were so flustered we missed the exit to the airport  The rental is almost of out gas and we don't know where we are.  I start looking up Nissan dealerships on my iPhone to see if any are open.  It's 1:45 and they are closing at 2PM.  Luckily, we found a gas station.  We also called Budget rental to see what it would cost to extend the rental till the next day.  Well, that was out of the question at an extra $300.  Then we started calling locksmiths.  We found one that was open and he met us at the airport.  Took him about 30 minutes and only $85 and a sigh of relief.  Weekend came close to being a disaster but luckily it was just a small setback and ended great.  And we still have Monday to enjoy.

Staying Positive....

I'm trying.  TTC and not getting anywhere is exhausting and disappointing.  It's something I have no control over and I need to keep reminding myself of that.  I just want it now.  And why not?  I've been trying for years and it hardly seems fair anymore.  It seems the ladies at work get preggo by drinking the water.  They don't know how lucky they are.  But seeing them everyday has been difficult.  I was talking with one of my co-workers and the subject came up.  I usually say we are trying and having some difficulties.  They know how old I am.  Anyway, she said, "you can take one of mine".  Really?  I don't want her kid, I want my own kid.  I know she didn't realize she said anything wrong but it stung.  I'm counting the months till we get close to the end of the year.  We plan to do a consult with the clinic and apply for a loan.  Hopefully, everything will work out this time.  I'm not looking forward to the shots again but a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.  Anyway, we're still trying naturally but ever since my last IVF, my cycle is not the same  Not sure why but I'll keep trying even though it's been hard.  J has a lousy job for TTC.  That along with both our IF issues doesn't make it easy.  I'm thinking that it's crazy to try to take all these supplements.  They are expensive and I could be putting that money away for the IVF next year.  Well, it's only 4 more months.  Just wish it was now.  

Seriously feels like we have everything working against us....

Okay.  So we are trying to conceive naturally while saving our dollars for DE/IVF next year. It can't hurt right?  Anyway, I'm tracking my cycle and we figured out that on J's next 3 days off will be perfect timing.  At least that's how my cycle has been for years. Ovulate between the 16th and 18th day of my cycle.  I use a CBE monitor as well as BBT to help predict ovulation.  Apparently, I'm ready to ovulate now.  Today, day 15.  I already got the peak reading Sat and Sun.  It's Monday and we've had nasty storms that caused ground delays where he is now.  So, he finally got on the plane so now I sigh with relief that he's on his way.  Hold on, phone rings. Plane broke.  De-planing.  It's after 9PM and he's been trying to get home since 6PM his time.  If I don't hear from him, it means he's on his way finally.  They were swapping planes on our last conversation.  I'm hoping tomorrow isn't too late but only time will tell.  It can't hurt to try anyway. 

Making deals with myself...

I've been trying to get healthy again.  Eat better, lose weight, exercise on a regular basis.  I make these deals with myself a lot.  I start out well and then I lose momentum.  I'm hoping this time is different.  I'm making smaller goals and hoping I can keep those.  Jeez, I'm only letting myself down.  Interestingly enough I'm more upset when I let other people down and not myself.  I guess I can make excuses for myself which I can accept.  Anyway, I did well last weekend and I even went to the gym on Wed.  I planned to go tonight but I did so much walking up and down the stairs at work my feet and legs are killing me right now.  But, I will go tomorrow and Sunday for sure.  Another deal but I think it's one I will keep. 

Insurance Crap...

Ok.  So yesterday, I looked on the billing website at the hospital that I had my IVF done.  The first bill, which is the big bill was gone.  I thought, my RE's office did take care of it.  Awesome job.  Well, not so fast.  Just now I got the notification that my bill is in and awaiting payment.  Joy.  5 thousand something dollars.  Great.  I am so confused because WIN is billing the insurance 17K and the hospital is billing me 5K plus.  I guess I'll call my RE's office tomorrow and see what's going on.  There are still more outstanding bills and I want this resolved.  I don't want the money I'm saving to go to the hospital. It's bad enough I have lost my full IF coverage mid year.  I just wish this would all go away.  It seems sometimes that some people have it so much easier.  I know the grass is always greener but right now it just feels like that.  Some people are in the right place at the right time and get rewarded.  I know people say that God only gives you as much as you can handle.  I feel like I've reached my breaking point but it just keeps on coming.  I know we'll get this resolved one way or another.  I'm just tired of getting the short end of the stick.

What's Normal...

J left for his trip today.  He'll be home on Monday night.  For the last 3 years he would come home for a day and a half and then leave again to go back to work.  A week or more later, same thing.  It became normal.  J running around leaving half his belongings all across America.  His luggage sitting on the floor in our bedroom by the window.  Of course, even though he's home a lot more now, the luggage still seems to stay on the floor of our bedroom.  And I still need to bitch to get him to clean the liter box.  But overall, he does help out more.  Today he went back and before he left, he put my laundry away (instead of leaving it on the floor) and emptied the dishwasher, cleaned up the sink and changed the lights around the house.  It's just nice that he is home more. We are going to take a mini trip to Mall of America sometime in Aug.  I can't wait.  It's nice to have that time together.  It will be a road trip. We used to take road trips all the time.  It was our favorite thing to do.  Go for a drive to nowhere in particular.  Anyway, it will be nice to have something to look forward to. 

Another Neg...

Well, I guess this month is a bust.  I'm not giving up.  I won't.  I plan to keep trying till we have enough money saved for a donor.  But this cycle was not right.  I feel awful today.  Even now.  Headache, severe cramps (way more than I have ever felt on a non-medicated cycle), weird pains in my abdomen.  It feels kinda hard.  And I feel nausea and exhaustion.  In fact, I'm not sure I want to even write right now.  I wanted to look on the forum but it appears the site is down again.  I did see some good news on there before I left work.  Two more ladies are preggo.  It's very exciting to me.  It gives me inspiration and hope that I can and will get pregnant and be a mom too. Can't wait to see if there is more good news. 

Exhaustion....

I'm not sure what's going on with me lately.  I'm having such trouble focusing and feeling physically exhausted.  I've felt this way for days now and I have this weird indentation behind my ear that I just noticed.  My eyes are very itchy and swollen as well.  It's starting to scare me a little.  I wonder if any of these supplements can cause these issues.  Probably has something more to do with the weather though.  We've had super hot temps and high humidity and finally got some much needed rain.  It's still humid but the temps are in the high 80's.  I'm still super tired and still have laundry and the kitchen to clean up and have no desire to do either right now.  I was secretly hoping I was pregnant but I took an HPT and it was negative. I should have gotten my period today but with all the fertility treatments it wouldn't surprise me if my cycle is screwed up.  I'm on day 35 of my cycle which is very long for me.  My luteal phase is 11 days long.  It's day 12 now but I am starting to feel stronger cramps on and off now.  This whole cycle has been crazy.  I've felt pains in my abdomen that remind me of pinching. I'll just have to give it a few more days.  Maybe I screwed up my day of ovulation.  Anything is possible.  Nothing about this cycle has been normal for me so I'll just have to wait a few days and see what happens.  Anyways, I better do the stuff I need to do before I crash for the night.

Taking it one day at a time...

That's what I'm trying to do at least.  I've been researching the costs for DE/IVF and believe the clinic my RE recommended will be it.  Monitoring at home and trip to NC for the retrieval and transfer.  The clinic explained the process to me.  We go down for an initial visit and get all testing done at that time.  Any other test can be done at home if necessary.  Then it takes around 2-3 months to get matched to a donor and another couple for a split cycle.  My RE is convinced this will work for us.  He believes my egg quality is the only thing standing the way of us having our family.  It still hurts though.  The fact that we had embryos and they didn't make it.  I had six babies with J.  I know some people just think of them as a bunch of cells but they were more than that. They were us.  I know I need to get past this and move on.  Sometimes I have and sometimes I think about the fact that my embies died and never had a chance.  But I will have my family.  I am sure of that.  J is sure of that.  It's just good to have a goal in mind.  Planning for this is the only way I can get through this. 

My WTF App....

I originally wasn't sure if I was going to even make an appointment to see my RE.  Really didn't think it would help us any since we are now going to be self paying.  But, glad to say I was so wrong.  He had a plan to share and it's a good one in our situation.  He gave us the name of a clinic in NC that we can go and do the entire procedure with a donor.  Early monitoring and after transfer monitoring can be done in IL at my RE's office.  And what's even better is the price.  It's much cheaper than using a place around here.  I feel like it's so within my reach now.  I have concerns about my insurance paying for the last IVF and the money I'm saving might be going to them to pay for everything.  That pisses me off because I didn't ask for any of this.  I based my FSA on the benefits I had at the beginning of the year.  It wasn't my fault the company was acquired by another and benefits changed.  Why should I be getting penalized.  I'm jumping the gun because I haven't received any bills to pay yet.  I guess I should wait and see what happens.  Other than that, just continuing to do research and figure out what we need to do to get our babies.

Friends....

My best friend from home came to visit me for the 4th of July holiday.  We go to the Ribfest every year together.  We usually have a great time.  This year was a little different.  I was excited about my plans for having a baby and I shared that with her.  The first thing out of her mouth is "so it won't be yours".  I can't tell you how hurtful that was to hear and so untrue.  She kept on trying to defend her comment and kept going even though I told her it would be my baby.  She said it won't be my biological child and on and on.  I expected her to be happy for me and supportive but that went out the window with her first comment to me.  I'm sorry I said anything and now I won't be sharing that with her anymore.  As far as I'm concerned, she'll believe they are my own eggs even if they aren't.  This person will probably be a part of my life along with my children so I would prefer they don't hear that they aren't mine because of a small minded person.  J & my friend S said she is jealous.  Some ladies on the forum said the same thing too.  Maybe so but it's no excuse.  My sister adopted 2 children so are those boys not hers because she didn't give birth to them?  I've always believed they were her children.  That's what adoption is all about.  Completing your family.  Having children to love and love back.  I guess it's better to know now how she feels than further down the road.  I should have realized because as soon as I told her we were doing fertility treatments she suddenly decided that she would stop using birth control and if she got pregnant then so be it.  Why did she suddenly decide to do that?  Because I was?  Right now, I'm doing my best to take care of myself.  Working out, fertility massages, meditation, vitamins, etc.  I want to be as healthy as possible so I can carry a baby and hopefully have minimal health issues.  If my friend got pregnant she would have serious health issues since she is massively overweight.  She has health issues now so a pregnancy would only make it worse.  Anyway, I've wasted enough of my time thinking about her and her issues.  Time to move on to happier thoughts.

Another BFN...

It's been a while since I've posted.  Things have been crazy around here lately.  Not to mention my last and final IVF resulting in another BFN.  So now we move on.  We'll be trying naturally and saving our money for one final try to have a family.  It will take about a year.  I hope in that year it just happens naturally but if not, we have a plan.  I guess that's all I really need to know.  What we are going to try to do to make this happen.  J and I have a savings plan.  I'm saving $300 per check and he'll be giving me around $2K by the end of they year.  For now, I'm taking my supplements and praying for a natural pregnancy.  It can happen. I'm going for fertility massages at least 2x per month and we'll see what happens.  Anyway, I just got back from one and I'm feeling super sleepy right now.  Very relaxed.  I want it to stay that way so I'm thinking of taking a bath with lavender oils.  It's very soothing. 

Not sure what to think....

I know this whole thing has been a long shot but I've been feeling cramps like I'm getting my period.  On the first 2 IVF's I didn't get my period till I stopped all the meds.  I had pain but not cramps like this.  I'm hoping it's a good sign but who knows.  I've been taking HPT since yesterday.  They are positive but each one I took gets lighter with each try.  I had an HCG booster shot so I did expect to see a positive.  I just want it to stay that way.  According to what happens to the embryo, HCG should enter my system starting tomorrow.  I plan to take another test when I wake up.  I know I'm just torturing myself and wasting lots of money on all these HPT but I can't help it.  I want this to work so badly.  It's just so important to me.  I don't want to be sad anymore.  I want to be happy and excited for the future.  Is that too much to ask?  I feel like everyone seems to be able to get preggo but me.  My former coworker had her daughter in her 40's.  I just want to be a mom.  I want us to get to the next chapter in our lives already.   We've been married for 13 years and trying for a baby for the last 8 of those years.  Haven't we waited long enough.  Anyway, the 2ww is almost over.  I have a BT tomorrow morning to check my hormone levels and Pregnancy test will be on Friday.  Till then.

Last day of bed rest...

Well the journey into the 2ww has started.  Actually, it started on Monday after the transfer.  Now is the time I'll read into every pain or abnormal feeling or thinking it's an abnormal feeling.  Now is the time to POAS (pee on a stick) till the day I go in for my beta.  I do hate this part.  And what's worse is that I will have to go to work but I made a decision that I won't answer my phone till I go home.  J wanted me to wait till he gets home but I told him I can't because I'll need to know what to do from there.  But I can wait till the end of the day and really, I'll already know because of the POAS.  I'm a POAS addict.  Can't help it.  I already have plans to buy out the store.  I have coupons in hand and ready to purchase and since tomorrow is already Thursday, I'll only have a week and day to wait till beta.  My RE showed up the pictures of the embryos.  One looked like it progressed further than the other.  I'm hoping that's a good sign and that it survived past day 3.  Seems that day 3 is the turning point.  Up to that point the egg development is based on the mothers genes but then the embryo's combined genes take over and it's usually at that point, if anything is wrong, that development will stop and embie will die.  That's the risk I took at my age.  Right now, I am PUPO.  I will enjoy it and think positive thoughts.  I am pregnant.  I am worthy of being pregnant.  I am worthy of being a mother.  I am going to be a wonderful mother.  I am already attached to my embies and want them to grow in my belly for the next nine months.  I want them both to survive.  Is that too much to ask?

Having hope but is it too much...

J and I had a talk yesterday.  I told him that this is the one that will work.  These embies are going to be our babies in nine months.  I want to believe that to be true.  J is afraid I'm too attached to the embryos and he's right.  I have been every time.  I must believe I'm capable of becoming a mother.  The fact is, I am already.  Once my eggs were fertilized and became embryos they became my babies.  I want them to want to live.  I want them to be strong enough to survive the transfer and implant in my uterus.  They're already my babies.  I guess it's harder for J since he isn't the one going through all the shots, pills, procedures.  I feel things happen to my body that he will never understand or be able to imagine.  He'll never understand the betrayal I feel that my body can't become pregnant on it's own.  Either way, he is afraid I'm going to be disappointed again.  I want to say that he is wrong but he's not.  I think even though I may be disappointed in the end, it's more important to believe that I'm already a mother. I can't wait till tomorrow already.  I'm excited to get to this point. 

Patience....

Ok.  I'm trying not to freak out.  I'm sitting by the phone waiting for my RE to call me with the fertilization report.  The last 2 times he called between 8:45 & 9:30.  Well, it's 9:50 and nothing.  I'm starting to freak out about it.  What if none of the 6 eggs fertilized?  My heart would just break.  Why isn't he calling me, darn it.  I can't take the waiting.  It's excruciating.  I feel so exhausted still and sore from the procedure still.  My eyes are so heavy and tired lately.  Please don't let this be bad news for me.  J went out to a junk yard south of here.

Ok.  I just got the call.  Same as last time.  Only 2 fertilized.  That's better than none at all.  I guess that's all my body can handle.  It sucks but these are my 2 babies and I want them to survive and grow for the next 9 months in my tummy.  I'm prepared that this may not happen but we'll see what happens.  I feel better knowing I have 2 babies to put in my tummy on Monday....till next time.

ER today....

Ok.  I made it through today.  I have been so emotional and on edge for the last few weeks so I can't believe I made it to this. My company has successfully been acquired by another on 6/1.  This has created most of the stress for me.  I'm am so unsure of everything and worried about this IVF not working and getting stuck with a 20K bill from the hospital.  I'm ready for the fight.  I'm sure they won't pay if they don't have to. Not to mention that I only had my old insurance card since it will take another week for everything with the new company to get processed.  That didn't help me for today at all but the hospital took my old card.  Of course, I get home and look at my work email where they explain what to do if you have stuff like this going on.  They should have sent that email on 6/1 not 6/3.  That really annoyed me. Anyway, the ER seemed to go well.  My RE said I had 6 eggs retrieved.  Tomorrow morning he will call me and give me the fertilization report.  I'm praying for all 6 to fertilize but that's not what seems to happen with my eggs.  I'll be happy if I get at least half fertilized and good quality for Monday.  We'll see.  I'm praying for this.  Till tomorrow....

Week of hell....

A lot happened this week.  I started stims for my 3rd IVF, had a 2 1/2 hour meeting with the company that bought my present company and found out about my new benefits including Infertility coverage.  It was a tough week to get through.  My IF coverage is up to a $2,000 max lifetime benefit.  In other words, I have no IF coverage.  What made it worse is that I had a short conversation with the benefits person and he was aware of my unique situation.  He said he just isn't sure what will happen if I'm still in treatment when the company changes hands.  I'm already taking drugs so stopping now isn't an option.  I'm just going to have go hope for the best.  This will be my last IVF treatment and if it doesn't work we will have to wait till we can come up with money to pay for a donor as well as the IVF treatment.  It could be 1-2 years to save that kind of money.  I think we would need at least 30K for the whole thing.  I guess I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.  Right now, I am trying to have positive thoughts about this IVF and the outcome.  People at work have been so negative and scared about the changes that are taking place and I think it's important for me to stay focused and positive.  I'm making good money right now and still feel secure in my job.  So, for the next few weeks I am going to concentrate on my future baby.  She's out there.  She's growing right now in my ovaries and I can't wait to meet her.  I know that this time is going to work for us.  I just know it. 

1st appointment tomorrow...

Well, I'm finally starting my next cycle and it couldn't have come at a better time.  Tomorrow we have a 2 1/2 hour meeting with the HR department of the new company.  I will finally find out what will happen with our coverage.  I'm trying to be realistic because I know the chances of having infertility coverage is slim to none.  But a part of me is still in fantasy land and thinking it's all just a bad dream.  Three years ago when J got his new flying gig and he almost got fired in the first few days, my mother reminded me that God doesn't give you more than you can handle.  Sometimes, I think I need to be weaker.  Maybe if I was weaker I would already have my family.  I know that's a stupid thing to think because I would have other challenges.  And I know the grass is always greener but it seems some people have it so easy.  For the last 5 years we've lost everything and had to build back up.  It's taken a while but I finally don't get freaked out about a car breakdown or flooded basement.  It's easy for some people to say, "if you need tires, go buy tires"  but we also know that no money means money.  If a tire blows and cost more because my tires were bad than that's the way it has to be.  This year the Gov raised the income tax because the State can't figure out how to budget with what they have. Gee, I wish I could do that too to balance my family budget.  Anyway,  tomorrow I go in for my baseline b/w and ultrasound.   Stay tuned.  After tomorrow I become the pill popping pin cushion for the next month.

IVF #3 is up next.....

Well, I had my RE app yesterday.  He mentioned how wonderful the embies looked.  Picture perfect, exactly like you see in books.  Then he talked about waiting till they are blastocysts which is five day old embryos.  However, waiting that long could mean the death of the only 2 embryos I had so he didn't think that was an option.  Next topic was the DE.  I think I am ready for that option however I brought up the insurance nightmare that will be coming and he changed his tune.  His reasons for mentioning the DE was obviously because we are spinning our wheels right now and these embryos just won't implant and live beyond day 3 and he didn't want me to waste my last 2 cycles on my own eggs.  I want to be a mom.  I want to have a family so DE is fine at this point.  We just don't have the 8-12K for the donor and since the insurance is going to change and may not have any infertility coverage then we might as well go for it before it changes.  If it doesn't work then we'll save up our money for a donor cycle.  Apparently, time is not an issue if we go down that road.  In the meantime, I plan to start exercising, learn Yoga and eat better.  I'm taking a load of vitamins so I'm hoping that helps things out.  Maybe we'll have the golden egg this time.  I just want to get on with my life already and have our family.  It's so hard to see so many women at work get pregnant so easily.  I wonder why it has to be difficult for us.  I feel broken.  All these years wasted  I wish I had known then and I wouldn't have waited.  I always assumed that it was because J was always on the road so our opportunities were slim.  Anyway, drugs are in the process of being ordered so this cycle is on it's way.  Let the games begin. 

Reflections....

I've been doing a lot of thinking the past few days.  Looking back at the beginning for J and I.  We've gone through so much.  We've been married for over 13 years.  I thought for sure we would have had children by now.  I remember feeling the moments of sheer panic, frustration and anger when J was away on a trip.  I would have these mini screaming and crying fits.  Then he would come home and everything would be okay again.  This year, my crying fits have been from the recent IVF failures.  I want to know what's wrong with me.  What did I do wrong that I can't be blessed with a child.  Are we destined to live our lives without children.  I don't know if J cares about that as much as I do.  It's all I live for and I'm scared it will never happen.  I don't want to grow old angry and upset over what I never got to have.  Lately, I've been feeling really alone and sad.  I hope my RE has answers on Monday.  It's Friday and no phone call to cancel so I guess the appointment is still on.  I'm glad, because I really want to get started on the next cycle ASAP.

Ok, the world isn't ending....

Today is much better than yesterday and my life isn't over.  I re-read my post and it sounded so morbid.  Anyway, I'm feeling much better today.  J and I talked some more and decided that we'll move forward as quickly as we can on the next IVF cycle before the benefits change over to the new company.  Let's hope the RE agrees with us and has some ideas or answers as to why both my IVF cycles failed.  I've been doing some research myself and I plan to come armed with my info. 

Changes.....

Well, here I am thinking I have 2 more IVF tries only to find out today my company was sold to another company.  Benefits to be determined within the next few weeks.  My hopes have been dashed away.  We've only been lucky enough to do IVF because of my health benefits.  Not all companies have fertility coverage.  As a matter of fact, this is the first one I ever worked for that had these benefits.  I've spent the day in a fog.  Walking around and trying not to focus on the inevitable.  I made it to the car at around 5:30 and basically cried all the way home and all night so far.  I feel drained.  J doesn't understand.  The last five years have been difficult.  We basically lost everything and we're still working to build it back up.  Except age doesn't wait. Saving the money will take at least a year that I don't have.  I know he wants things to work out but I am feeling so alone right now.  I want to know why things are so difficult for us.  What did I do wrong to deserve this.  I feel like I am being punished.  I am losing my will to go on like this.  The only reason I've stayed with this company is because of my desire to have a family and now I feel like it will never happen.  That I'm destined to live a life without children.  I have a big black hole in me that will never be filled.  I'll never hear the words "I love you mom."  It's painful right now to have to face this.  I feel like my youth is over and all I have left to look forward to is death. 

Dreaded two week wait is over.....

....and the answer is another BIG FAT NEG.  I won't say that I'm not disappointed, discouraged and sad that my embies didn't survive and implant.  It hurts so much.  I feel so empty.  I have a black hole in me that will never be complete.  Women who get pregnant easily are so lucky.  They'll never have to feel the disappointment month after month, year after year.  I'm sure they have other challenges but right now I wish I was in there shoes.  People say "relax and it will happen".  News Flash people, after 8 years I'm sure my relaxation techniques aren't the issue.  At least J was home when I got the call.  I'm glad he was home this time.  I handled it much better than the last time.  What's funny is that later that day we were leaving Walmart and the Ultrasound Tech that called to give me the bad news was coming into Walmart.  She probably hates that part of her job.  I know what it feels like to be the messenger and it's not an easy thing to do.  I'm sure the last thing she wanted to see is one of the people she had to call and give bad news to.   Well, I'm not going to give up.  I'm feeling tired and have cramps on and off but I'll survive and try again.  I am reading a lot on things like DHEA.  I'm going to do some research and see what my RE says about it.  I'm feeling like I'm running out of options so it's that and hopefully some sort of change in diet. 

The dreaded two week wait....

Okay.  So yesterday was an interesting day for me.  I got a cab company to come and take me to the hospital.  It was only a $5 fare.  That part went well.  They check me in and they had no beds available so they set me up in a room with only a reclining chair and some plastic bags since once they took me into the OR, they would move my stuff to my room.  So, then the nurse comes in for vitals including taking a sample of blood.  She couldn't find a vein and insisted on using the back of my hand.  I really hate that.  Anyway, she then gives me my Valium and it hits me hard.  Man I was flying high.  Of course, my RE comes in while I'm high on the Valium so I'm not completely sure what he said.  He seemed pleased, I think he mentioned hatching, then I was put on a gurney/bed and whisked off to the OR.  Room full of nurses, embryologist, ultrasound tech, etc.and I'm exposed from the waist down for all to see.  If I wasn't so high on the Valium, I might have been more embarrassed.  Things were a little different this time.  They covered my legs before placing in the stirrups and this time strapped them down.  I don't think they did that the first time.  I don't recall so many people in the OR the last time either.  Anyway, after they took me back to my room to rest.  I was still quite out of it and my RE came in to check on me.  I should have asked him then what he said to me before the transfer but I was still rather out of it.  Then I found out I needed to have my blood drawn again because they screwed up with the lab on the first test.  She tried to get me in my arm, then switched to my hand above the thumb.  I don't like the nurses getting blood from me in those places.  In fact it really upsets me when I have bruises all over the place.  So, I wait the appropriate amount of time and the nurse comes in and give me a phone number to call the cab company.  The dispatcher says he can only do it for 15.  I live less than 5 minutes away and he also said, I should call when I'm outside because it will take hours to get out, he knows.  Anyway, I call the cab company that took me and it turns out to be the same people.  I asked him why the fare went up 10 from a few hours earlier and then I hung up on him.  Luckily, I had another # so I called them.  They showed up in 20 minutes and they didn't have to wait for me.  I was already discharged.  Anyway, I'm now home and resting on my second day after transfer.  I'm feeling positive that this will be the one.  I imagine my embies snuggling in my uterus and making a home for the next nine months.  I hope they want to stay with me and J.  I really hope and pray that God will let them grow into beautiful babies for us to care for forever. 

Insecurities....

Ok.  It's Sunday.  I've gone shopping and I'm nearly ready for the transfer tomorrow.  The only thing is that I am terrified of is that I'll get a call from my RE saying none of my embies survived through the weekend.  Please God don't let me get a call like that.  I'm all alone here and I'm not sure I could handle that.  It would be so devastating to me right now.  Tonight, I know that is all I will think about.  Not sure I can change that right now.  Maybe it's because I only have 2 that made it so far that I have this feeling.  Although, I do remember the last time I had equally disturbing thoughts.  1st, J's sperm would be dead, 2nd, no eggs were retrieved, 3rd, none making it to transfer.  I felt that before so I guess it's normal to feel this way again.  I just wish J was here with me.  But if I make to the transfer then I'm prepared to welcome our embryos into my uterus and give them a warm and snuggley place to stay for nine months.  I just hope they want the same thing.  I pray they have the will to live.  Please God, let them be okay for tomorrow and after.   I want them to become babies, toddlers, adolescents, and adults.  To live to be exceptional human beings that have everything they want in life and then some.  Please God, let us have that chance.

Getting ready for the dreaded 2ww....

Well, I had my ER on 4/1.  Guess I was getting an April Fools joke played on me because I was told I had 6 eggs retrieved.  Today my RE called me and told me only 3 were mature and only 2 fertilized so I'm in the same boat as last month.  I want to be positive.  I know it only takes 1 good embryo.  The other thing that is getting me down is that J won't be here for the transfer.  He left today.  Sometimes I feel like he would rather not be around me lately.  He seemed eager to leave.  I'm sure that's not the case.  He's tried to get his trip swapped so he could be here but it didn't work out. He's seems to have a knack for stressing me out lately.  Maybe it's better that he's not here.  Maybe my stress level will be lower if I don't have to hear about how calling in sick is risking his current job and future jobs.  I've waited for years to get pregnant and he is unknowingly sabotaging my every chance.   I don't lay the guilt trip on him by saying over and over how because of him we waited too long to have a baby.  We should have gone to a specialist 5 years ago but that wasn't an option for us then.   I'm here in the Chicagoland area far away from family.  I have a few friends here but most of my closest friends are located in the east coast.  I have no one else but J to depend on and sometimes I feel like I am totally on my own.  Anyway, my transfer is on Monday so I need to prepare so I can rest as much as possible.  I want those days to be as relaxing as possible. 

Frustrated and uncomfortable...

Well, I thought I would be doing this on Wed.  My RE has thrown a monkey-wrench into the whole plan.  The plan was to trigger tonight and do the retrieval on Wed.  Well, he wants me to continue with the meds till Wed and come back for yet another blood test and ultrasound to see if I'm ready to trigger.  I'm super uncomfortable.  I'm running out of spots to inject myself that aren't bruised.  Plus, now I have to take so much additional time off and J is working on the day of transfer.  I really hate the idea of having to do this alone.  I was also so super stressed waiting for the nurse to call me tonight.  I was getting so freaked out.  I didn't hear back from them till 5:40.  I was afraid they left a message on someone else's phone but they didn't.  It turned out that they also had to get me re-scheduled for Friday.  That's what took so much time to do.  Anyway, that's my update on this IVF cycle.  Retrieval set for April Fools Day.  Woo hoo.

Getting closer to the big day...

I've been going through monitoring Wed, Fri, and will be going in tomorrow.  Looks like I'm progressing much faster this time around.  They are counting 6 follicles this time and they are getting bigger.  I'm hoping on Monday that my estrogen will be high enough for me to do the trigger shot and retrieval on Wed.  Let's just pray that it all works out that way.  J can't afford to take anymore time off and I'm getting some issues at my job too.  I can't arrange for coverage every time.  I really hope this works and I wound up pregnant.  Otherwise, next time, I'm not telling anyone and just going to call in sick last minute.  It's not right that I have to figure out coverage for my days off.  Anyway, I really don't need the added stress.  Right now, I abdomen feels swollen and sore.  I'm very hopeful this time around that it will work.  Please God let this be our time. 

Talking....

Well, J and I had a heart to heart talk last night.  I'm glad.  He said he'll be there for me when the time comes.  He not worried about missing a job fair.  He is worried about bringing attention to himself and that's why he doesn't want to call in sick.  And now he's worried about the FMLA.  So here what we've decided to do.  He's off from 3/30 till 4/2.  Hopefully, the retrieval will be on 3/31 or 4/1.  Then I'll only need to worry about the transfer.  J is convinced that the doctor said they could arrange to pick me up and drop me off but I think he was dreaming.  I have no memory of that conversation but I said I'll ask.  Otherwise, if necessary, I can take a cab.  I only live up the road from the hospital.  I will only have taken a mild Valium and by the time I leave I could probably even drive myself.  We'll see. He's also thinking of talking to his base manager about dropping those days off at the beginning of the month and picking up trips on his vacation.  I hope he can do it.  I wish I could tell him for sure about the timing but I have no idea.  Anyway, these drugs are making me very loopy this time around.  Maybe it's because of the higher dosage.  I am excited to find out how I'm doing.  Till then.

Depression......

Yesterday was a tough day for me.  It started out ok but I started to think about all the sacrifices I've made over the years and J's responses to me recently.  I know our lives had taken a huge setback.  With J's company going bankrupt and him being on disability, it was virtually impossible for him to get another flying job.  Then I lost my job.  In the end we had to file bankruptcy and we nearly lost our house.  It was some of the most difficult times for us.  I had never realized how dependent we were on our credit cards until they were gone.  And I don't mean for frivolous items.  I mean for food, clothing, things that make the car and house go. I've been able to do without.  I wear clothes from 10 years ago but clothes don't last forever. But it's been over 5 years since that awful time in our lives and we've been able to get through it.  Now, I'm in my 40's and I'm feeling old. I'm afraid I'll never have my dream of being a mother but J will have all that he wants.  I feel like he never thinks of my feelings. I think he thinks it's ok now that he somehow believes that if we don't get pregnant now, that we can just adopt or get donor eggs after I hit menopause.  But it makes me angry that he's willing to sacrifice me and wait even longer so he can have his workshop, job, etc.  Meanwhile, I'm feeling broken and sad inside.  I spent the afternoon in bed really sad all day.  J didn't come home and that just made me feel worse.  He is sick and didn't want to come home.  I feel like he would rather stay in MEM than come home to me.  Anyway, yesterday is over and today is Sunday so I'm going to do my best to get out of this funk.  Here's to a new day.

Ready, Set, Go.....

Ok.  Here I go again.  I'm going to start IVF #2 and of course, J wants to go to a job fair on 4/1 in LAS and it's possible that my egg retrieval will be on that day.  I really have no idea.  I'm hoping it won't be.  Maybe it won't happen that way.  Maybe I'll respond sooner or later.  I really have no idea how this all works.  Will the timing be exactly the same as it was the first time?  I guess I can ask my RE.  They'll be able to tell me how things may work out.  Right now, it's just stressing me out.  Sometimes I wonder why he doesn't consider my feelings more.  Anyway, I start my stims tomorrow.  My RE has increased my Follistim dosage to 300 UI in the AM and PM.  I start in the PM.  I still don't know what went wrong.  The test results from my blood test haven't come in yet.  I'm hoping that test has the answers to why the 1st IVF failed.  At least then, we can move forward with a plan.  If not, we are just moving forward anyway and hope that this time it takes.   I think tomorrow I'm going to try to go to the gym and do some exercise.  Walking on the treadmill.  I think it will do me some good as I need to do something to relieve the stress.  Work has been super busy and I don't want anything stress me out too much. 

Excited again...

Had my app with my RE  this past week. I was pleasantly surprised by what he said.  I was sure he was going to say we should look at donor eggs but he didn't.  He said my eggs were great quality even though he only got 3 at retrieval.  He said they fertilized into Grade 1, 8 cell embryo's and that they were perfect.  He even showed us the pictures of the embryos.  He doesn't know why they didn't implant.  I go on Monday for a blood test to see if I have antibodies that kill the embryos.  If I do, I'll need to take Heparin shots.  No big deal since I'm already a pincushion.  So, we are going to try this all over again.  I got all my meds delivered and I'm ready for my next IVF cycle.  He's increasing my meds to try to get more produced this time.  Maybe the extra meds will help my tired ovaries grow more eggs and hopefully the same good quality as last time.  I've been taking extra vitamins for months now.  I'm hoping that they have helped. 

Maybe everything does happen for a reason...

Well, I'm anxiously waiting to meet with my RE regarding this failed IVF cycle.  After talking to J on Friday, I told him that I hope I don't get another call from the office cancelling.  He didn't think that would happen but believe it or not, I got a call that the Dr. will be in surgery on Monday during my appointment time.  I was almost upset but they gave me an appointment for the next day at 5PM.  The good part is that J will now be able to be at the appointment.  The other 2 cancelled appointments he was working.  I'm used to doing things on my own but I'd rather him be with me during these appointments.  It's a team effort and luckily, all the past appointments he was able to come to as well.  This is why I was thinking that maybe everything happens for a reason and the reason the other appointments were cancelled is because J couldn't make it. 

I'm also glad to say that my mood has definitely improved.  I can't believe how down I was.  It's not like me to be depressed but this whole thing can really take an emotional toll on a person.  I remember the Dr. mentioning at one of the consults that this is all so emotional but at the time I didn't feel it yet.  I handed my life over to them.  They took blood and did ultrasounds and gave me direction on the next steps every other day.  I had no emotional stress at all.  I think the emotional part started in the middle of the 2ww.  It was the hardest part of all and then the disappointment at the end of that.  Add J not being here as well.  I think it's safe to say I lost it and in the process learned valuable lessons.  I think I need to keep this fertility stuff to myself for the next try.  I don't want to have to explain to anyone about the disappointment of not being pregnant.  If it works out then I'll have some positive news but until then, just J and I will know what's going on.  Also, I decided that for the next time, I will take the day off when I go for the pregnancy test.  Being at work and getting that news just killed me to try to act normal.  I couldn't function.  All I could think about was that I was a failure as a woman.  Perhaps before I wasn't ovulating but this was different.  I had 2 embryos places in my uterus and they didn't live.  What is wrong with me?  Did I do something wrong in those 2 weeks to make that happen?  I just wanted to cry and I was at work and couldn't.  It took everything to drive home and make it in the house before breaking down.  It's been 3 weeks since then so I'm feeling much better.  The extra hormones are out of my system and I think my ovaries are finally feeling normal again.  Ok, to be continued on Tuesday......

Lost....

Not really sure what to call it anymore.  Lost, depression, anxiety.  Any way you look at it, it's all just sadness.  I'm trying to not feel that way but feeling are what they are.  You can't just shut off feelings of sadness.  No, I don't want to feel this way.  Yes, I want to be happy but I'm not.  Since I've found out that the IVF didn't work I've been holding on till my appointment with the RE.  Well, I got a call from the office and they had to re-schedule due to other IVF's the Dr is handling on Monday.  I know the urgency of IVF and that possibly the same thing happened while I was getting my retrieval and transfer done.  It's hard to know how people will respond to the meds so appointments need to be flexible.  It's not logical but I feel like it didn't work and now the doctor doesn't want to be bothered with me.  I'm just a failure and he needs to work on IVF's that will be successful.  I know that is ridiculous to even think but I'm not feeling so great about myself these days and getting that phone call almost made me start crying uncontrollably but I managed to think of other things and get through the day without tears.  I need to relax.  I came home, fixed myself a rum and coke, got a nice bubble bath going and relaxed.  I think it's helped.  Anyway, I just want to know what the next steps are and start moving on it.  I need to know if my RE thinks we can do this again with my eggs?  I really want to but I think I will do what he recommends.  I only have 3 more tries before the insurance won't cover it and really, my goal is to be a mom.  Using DE will also reduce the risks associated with older eggs.  It's something to consider.  I want to be able to have healthy babies.  I just need to get the ball rolling.  I feel like I'm running out of time and that makes me feel desperate. 

Waiting for next steps and feeling normal....

Well, this proved to be an interesting week.  On Tuesday-Wednesday, I had the worst headache.  I took Advil, Tylenol, Excedrin PM.  It wouldn't go away.  Went to sleep with it, woke up with it, went to work with it.  Finally, on Wed, I decided to go to the urgent care and see if they could give me something stronger or at least determine if it was migraine or sinus.  I explained the whole IVF and failure and going off of all the meds.  She agreed it could be that but wanted to call an ambulance to rush me to the ER so they can run tests for aneurysm or brain tumor.  Really, a tumor.  Come on.  I was so pissed off.  I said no, signed a crap load of papers so I can leave against there recommendation and went home crying.  The pain was awful.  I spent an hour and half in that place, paid them money and got nothing.  I wound up taking Excedrin Migraine.  It gave me the shakes, kept me up all night but amazingly, the headache finally went away that evening.  I still don't feel like myself yet.  Still get cramps every once in awhile and some spotting.  I also go through bouts of highs and lows.  One minute I'm happy the next depressed.

I have my RE appointment next week to see where we go next.  I had been so excited that we got good eggs and that they fertilized and they were grade 1, 8 cell.  I want to understand what went wrong but my feeling is that its because of me.  That even though the eggs were good there was still something wrong with them.  All these years of waiting and now I am afraid that I won't be able to have a child with my genetics.  I pray and hope that my RE says we can still use my eggs.  I really want to.  J says we should go with what the doctor recommends because really the goal is to have a  baby.  To have a family.  I know that he's right but at the same time it hardly seems fair.  I felt so close to achieving our goal of making a baby.  We had my eggs fertilized with J's sperm and created an embryo.  A potential baby.  I spoke to them.  I hoped that they would have the will to implant and live but that didn't happen.  And I can't help feeling like it was my fault.  That my eggs aren't good enough.  That I'm not good enough.  I've tried to explain my feeling to J but he just doesn't get it.  He doesn't understand that I feel broken.  I feel like less of a woman because of this.  I guess I just need to wait till next week to hear what the doctor has to say.

Anyway, it's only a week and in the meantime, I'm doing stuff for me.  I went to the gym today for the 1st time in months.  I couldn't run because I still have pain in my lower abdomen but I did a brisk walk for 30 minutes.  It felt good and I plan to do it again this week.  All it takes is small steps to make lifelong changes.

Progesterone Withdrawal....

Ok, if it's not bad enough that this IVF didn't work out,  I had to stab myself with needles, bruise my stomach to look like a junkie and look beaten with black and blues, now I'm going through some sort of hormone withdrawal.  I have the most intense cramps since last night and now a headache  I'm just miserable. I've taken Advil but it doesn't seem to be working.  J is on a trip and I feel all alone right now.  Is this normal?   Why didn't they tell me I might feel like this.  I'm in agony right now.  I've never had cramps like this before.  Is something else wrong?  They are consistent cramps.  All last night and today.  I feel like I'm in hell.  J said I should go to the doctor but I feel foolish.  It's cramps, right?  Uhhhh, I don't know anymore.

It's an official BIG FAT NO.....

I'm amazed at how devastated I was when I heard the message.  Your Not Pregnant.  I took HPT's all week and saw that it was negative.  I knew but yet I needed to hear it officially and when I did, I nearly fell apart.  I could barely talk to J and I was good in telling everyone in chat or email but once I said it to someone, I lost it.  Luckily, my supervisor and team said it would be a good idea if I left early.  I really needed to get out of there. Once I got home and hopped into a hot bath, I broke down and let it all out.  I feel broken.  Everything seemed to go well.  What went wrong.  Is it me?  J is gone till Tuesday.  I feel so alone right now.  This is so painful.  I put my life in there hands.  It was the only way to do this without any stress.  Why does this have to be so hard.  All I want is to be a mother.  Am I asking for a lot.  I was so terrified at every turn.  First, I was afraid that J's sperm would be all dead when it came time to fertilize not to mention I was afraid that my eggs would be no good.  Then, once I got the info that all was good and had 2 grade 1 embryo's, I was more confident.  I guess, I just wanted to believe it would work for me right away.  That I would be different and all we needed was a little help to get pregnant.  I guess it's just more complex than that. I need to call and make an appointment to see my RE to see what went wrong.  I just really need to keep the faith but today and maybe for the rest of the weekend I really need to mourn this loss. I had 2 embryo's in my uterus and they both died instead of implanting.  It hurts.  I really wanted them both to be a part of my family.  Right now, all I can feel is sadness.  I just feel drained and exhausted. 

In need of hope....

It's Sunday morning.  6AM.  I woke at 4 and decided to take another pregnancy test.  Yesterday one of them was positive but I had an HCG booster on Friday. Today it's gotten lighter which means its leaving my system and the pregnancy hormone is not present.  My head says it too early to detect.  I'm only 9 days past ovulation.  My heart says something different.  I feel broken.  Until now I've been able to put my life in my RE hands and trust them.  But this is beyond them.  They have taken it as far as they can go.  It's in God's hands to do the rest and if it's not meant to be then it won't be.  It's just the thought of me not being pregnant makes me sad.  Two actual embryos were put in my uterus.  Something that was part me, part J.  We made 2 babies and I just want them to exist.  I want them to be a part of my life for the rest of my life.  I'm trying to keep the faith and pray for them.  It's so hard when I have no signs.  I know only time will tell and Thursday, I will have my blood test to confirm whether or not I'm pregnant. 

I'm officially PUPO

PUPO - Pregnant until proven otherwise.  I can't believe I've come this far in the process.  Each step has been so stressful.  Doing the stims and getting the ultrasounds and blood tests every other day.  Trying to understand the numbers they were giving me, etc.  I had 5 follicles but only 3 eggs at the retrieval procedure.  Luckily, 2 fertilized and my RE assured us that they were good quality.  Grade 1 and 8 cells.  I even got a picture of the embryo's after they did the transfer.  And I know, I know, silly as it is, I've been talking to them hoping that they have a will to live and grow up with us.  I'm praying for them but I know it's in God's hands now and I really can't do anything more except follow the doctors instructions.  Now I still need to go for BW on Thurs and I think again on Monday.  Not sure yet if I'll need a booster shot of the HCG or not.  I guess my hormone levels will tell the tale.  Anyway, I'm on 3 days of bedrest.  I get to get up on Thursday to go to work and give more blood.  Till then.