How do I survive this...

G seems so unhappy these days.  I think she is becoming more aware of the meds and says she doesn't like them and doesn't like how she feels.  She keeps blaming me for making her feel that way.  I'm at a loss.  She's always saying why does she have to go to school when her friend doesn't.  ( I really don't know what her friends family does and if they do or don't let their daughter stay home more than G.  She is in Kindergarten and G is in 1st Grade).  She wants to have a little sister and blames that on me too.  I wanted her to have a sibling but J didn't want to move forward.  He wanted so much for my age to be an issue and was so upset the Dr gave me the go ahead to try again.  Reality is, he didn't want another child and I'm being blamed by her for not having another.  I'm trying not to take it personally but it's hard when your child blames everything on you at such a young age.  She's not grateful for anything she has and I don't know how to get it through to her about that. With our trip to school today, I came home feeling lost and sad.  I don't know how to feel happy anymore.  

My first canning project...

I'm so excited.  Today I didn't start off well today.  I was feeling down and depressed.  Nearly at tears every once in a while.  I'm not sure why.  Just so many negative thoughts crossing my mind.  Anyway, in the last month, I've been intrigued at canning.  I would love to grow my own vegetables but it's not in the cards right now till we have a house we own.  So I went in search of tomatoes for my first project.  Canning crushed tomatoes.  I bought about 20 lbs of roma tomatoes and basically spent the rest of my afternoon preparing, cooking and canning tomatoes.  I made 5 jars and here is a pic of them below.  I have 3 more in the canner and should be ready soon to remove.  I was careful to follow a lab tested recipe from Ball so it would be safe to consume with risk. I was torn between working on my affiliate business, cleaning or canning.  Since it will be next to impossible to do this with G around, I decided to do the canning.  I've always wanted to try it and we'll see how it comes out. So far so good. I have another recipe I want to try next and it's still waterbath canning.  

4 Years Old already.....

Time has really flown by.  Just yesterday I was arguing with J about driving to the hospital to deliver this precious gift from God.  And now, she's a  beautiful,  strong willed, loving but devious little lady.  Each day is a gift with her.  All I can do now is pray that I raise her right.  Teach her to be thoughtful and caring.  Teach her to look out for others when they need it.  To share with others.  She is a bit hyperactive and sensitive to foods that may cause hyperactivity and aggression.  We've noticed it a lot when she eats foods with dyes.  Trying to eliminate that.  This week has been hard.  But I love spending time with her.  Wish I was a bit younger and had more energy.  Need to up the exercise so I can keep up with her more.  But I don't let it stop me from being with her.  No one knows better than I how much she's wanted and loved.  I prayed for her for years.  Had lost so much.  I remember I was scared that when I did get pregnant, I wouldn't know what to do.  I was so wrong.  I will always remember the struggle but it was all worth it in the end.

It's always ok in the end.  If it's not ok, then it's not the end.  

I guess I'm saying that it's ok now.  Our journey to three is now complete.  I wish I could have another but it's not in the cards for us.  

That's the good part of this post.  Here's the other half.  2020 has been the hardest year of my life.  We're surviving.  I'm not sure how sometimes but we are.  I have learned to adapt.  I will say, I'm grateful, G went back to school in June.  I wasn't doing very well at that point.  Working with a 3 year old who was crying and wanting someone to play with her was hard to deal with.  Unfortunately, the tablet became her friend more than I would have liked.  G was showing signs of depression and it made me sad.  I know people say kids are resilient but I don't want the world to shut down and see her spiral down like that.  Also, J has been home since May but hasn't been very helpful when it comes to cooking, cleaning or caring for G.  Maybe it's a bit of depression.  But it's been hard.  I've found ways to come up with meals to cook easily.  Crock pot meals are the easiest and I go for easy.  At this point, I'll be working from home till at least the summer.  I'm hoping it's for good.  Hoping we can finish cleaning up the house, sell and move south for good.  I truly hate living here and feel like it will be restrictive like for good.  Politicians got a taste of power and now they just abuse it.  J was in 7-11 and his mask was below his nose.  The management didn't say anything but some crazy woman started yelling at him and chasing him down.  Started taking pictures of him and his car while he was driving.  What the heck was that.  If the store didn't care, why was she getting so close and invading his space.  What right did she have to do that.  I'm sure she called the police but really, what are they going to do.  7-11 wasn't her store and J has rights.  

Here's to a happy new year 2021.....BYE BYE 2020.  YOU SUCKED!

The Year of 2020

2020 started off great.  Then it all got weird.  I packed up my office at work on March 20th thinking I'd be home for a few weeks.  Then a week later my daughter was home as well.  Work became a blur, while I worked from the kitchen table and tried to manage my 3 year old that didn't understand why she was not going back to school to see her beloved teacher and friends.  My potty trained little girl suddenly started having accidents.  Stopped taking naps, took walks with me only for her to say, "Mommy, I just want to go home"  She only had us and no one to play with.  I was working all day as best I could while trying to watch her and keep her entertained.  She got a climber with a slide, a new playhouse, bike, skates.  Anything we could do to keep her busy since the parks were closed and no kids were around to play with.  When daycare started up again, Giuli was excited to go back.  Although it wasn't allowed the kids hugged in delight.  Seems crazy to tell kids one minute to be affectionate and the next, not to go near each other.  Finally the parks re-opened and Giuli was back at playing with kids she'd meet in the park.  One man brought his daughter to the park and then tells me "Social distance please"  since my 3 year old wanted to play with his daughter.  My feeling is that if you are that worried, don't go to the park where there are little children. I'm not going to restrain my daughter and keep her away from other kids.  Restrain yourself and stay home.    Now we are coming to the end of the year, and I'm still WFH.  Giuli is still in daycare, and J is still home driving me nuts.  I think he'll be home till the end of the year.  

Some pics of my grown up little one.

Ready for school

Matching nightie's

Waiting for the Dr.

Chillin till we leave for school!

I'm just soooo cool!

I just love summer!

Hormones...

Or slutmones as my DH has been calling them.  I've been terribly depressed.  All I want to do is cry.  I force myself to get up and go to work, to keep my mind occupied but I'm just sad.  I'm trying to think positive and believe that my next cycle will work.  My Dr wants me to do an endometrial biopsy.  I need to do two of them a week apart.  It's too costly to go fly down to do it so I'm trying to get with my GYN here.  I sent an email last Wednesday and I'm still waiting to hear back.  It's so frustrating.  Why is it that communication with her is so difficult.  The nurse said she was forwarding the message for her to review on Thursday.  Well, it's now Monday afternoon and I'm still waiting to hear.  I sent a follow up message on Friday as well.  We'll see.  I'm sure this isn't helping with my depression.  J thinks I should just get a new doctor but that would mean a consultation and an explanation of what I'm asking them to do.  All, while knowing nothing about me or my history.  It's all so overwhelming to me right now.  I just want to have my baby.  I just want to be a mom.  

New beginnings...

Today is the last day of the year.  I'm not sorry to see it go.  It's been a hard, emotional and difficult year filled with disappointment and heartache like I've never experienced before.  I need a fresh start and what better way to start then with the beginning of a new year.  I'm not making New Years Resolutions.  I'm making a commitment to myself.  I've been sad and depressed.  I know time heals all wounds and that's what I'm counting on.  And part of healing myself means taking care of myself.  So that's my resolution.  To do things to help myself and I'm starting today.

So Happy New Year everyone.  I pray all your hopes and dreams come true. I wish you all good health and happiness in the new year ahead.

Feeling sad...

I wonder if it's all the hormones just going back to it's normal self.  Every day I feel something different.  Lately, it's been sadness and despair.  Not all day long.  But a lot of the time.  I feel tired, drained, sad and alone.  J seems oblivious sometimes.  He works on his models all day and night and doesn't seem to notice that I need him to be with me.  Why is it like that?  Even when I ask him to stay with me he doesn't really do it.  Why doesn't he get it?  Seems that he only notices when I don't get up and just stay curled up in bed for long periods of time.  Otherwise he's just in his own world.  I feel like I have to do everything.  Pay the bills, take care of the cats, clean up the house.  He just builds his models and that's all.  His job is done.  I'm the sucker that has to work all day and come home and work all night.  Maybe that's also why I'm feeling sad.  I want a partner and I'm not getting one.  And right now, I need him to be there for me and he's not.

Depression...

I started to miscarry on Wednesday night.  I found some painkillers so I took that which helped.  Now I have cramps on and off since then.  I'm glad it started and my body is starting to feel somewhat normal again. Well, sort of.  Maybe not.  Things are so depressing right now.  Sometimes I feel so sad all I want to do is curl up in bed and stay there.   I'm worried about everything.  Worried about money, paying bills, J's dismal disability check, being able to get to NY for my Dad's unveiling, paying for our next trip to SC.  I want to try again but it's hard when all I think about is doom and gloom these days.  I'm hoping it's just my crazy hormones.  I just want to feel normal again.  I don't want to just go home and sleep all day and night.  And I can do that apparently.  I did it last weekend. Maybe this weekend will be better. 

Trying hard to avoid depression...

At least once a day, I feel hopeless and depressed.  I look at our finances and the depression sets in.  I'm just going to have to face the fact that we will need to wait closer to the end of the year to do anything.  It's just not what I want.  I spent some time last night yelling at J and he finally said it. "You're saying I'm not pulling my weight".  He wasn't arguing the fact.  He knows it's true.  He's been slacking off and I've been taking the brunt of it.  J left for training today so we'll see what happens next.  He had another sick call last week so he knows he's in trouble for it.  He said he wouldn't get upset about it but he has and it messed up the rest of the week for both of us.  Although, he even applied to a few more places.  I just wish it wouldn't take something like this to get him to move his ass.  He's afraid he's ruined his flying career.  He needs to get his act together.  I just feel like he sabotages me every time.  Last year it was the garage fiasco and this year it's excessive sick calls and FMLA. I just want us to have a normal life.  I want us to have children and enjoy raising them together.  I want us to have children without having to worry about the money to have children.  I hate that I worry about how we will pay the bills if we take a fertility loan. I hate the excel spreadsheets I do to save every dime for this.  I hate that mothers day is next week and I'm not even close to reaching my dreams.  I hate that some women can get pregnant by accident.   I hate that there's always 5-10 pregnant women in my office.  I hate that my life is consumed by this but I'm afraid if I change I'll lose my dream of being a mother forever.  

Struggles...

Lately, J has been having struggles.  He wants to change but hasn't been able to figure out how to do it.  His struggles have been affecting me. Affecting us.  I don't feel like we'll ever have a normal life and it scares me.  I don't want to think I've wasted my life with this man who has promised me that he'll change over and over again.  We are almost married 16 years and I feel like I'm listening to a broken record over and over again.  I want to support him but right now I feel lost on how to do that.  I feel the struggle when he is home and resentment when he is away.  When he is away, he is the man I want.  When he is home he is someone else.  And it saddens me.    

Despair....

Despair, sadness, alone.  I'm hoping it will pass and I'll be feeling like my old self soon.  My health issues, finances and the fact that J has been away for the last 2 weeks doesn't help.  I have profound sadness that we've been trying to conceive so long and have been unsuccessful.  I've put my life on hold waiting for that moment I get to hold our child.  What if it never happens.  I feel like my life is so meaningless right now. Praying that these feelings pass soon.  

Positive attitudes...

I've started to notice a trend.  I write when I'm down and depressed.  I'm not down and depressed ALL the time.  Sometimes I am but not all the time.  Today was a good day.  The weather here in the midwest has been unusual.  Last night we had a freezing rain and thunderstorms.  J even salted the walkway but it didn't really matter.  By the morning it was in the 40's so no more ice.  Tomorrow we are going into the high 50's to 60's.  Crazy right?  Then we are back to reality.  Temps go down, down and down.  Single digits by end of day Thursday into Friday.  The joys of living in the northern midwest.  Anyway, I think the nice temps put me in a good mood today.  Let's hope my mood stays good unlike tempermental mother nature.

Tired….

Today has been a hard day for me. I'm feeling really sensitive and sad today. I just feel like crying. Maybe it's because I'm tired. Or maybe it's because I'm faking it lately. I'm trying to be happy but I'm not. I'm 45 and my life is still on hold. J is not well and that doesn't help anything. I'm trying not to be upset about the money. I know he didn't plan on this but it does set us back. I know I can pay the bills for the shop but I'd hate for 6 months to go by and he gets nothing done. I feel like it's the story of my life. Nothing seems to make sense anymore. I'm just so tired right now. I haven't slept well for days because of J and I'm just so damn tired.

Conversations...

I got a surprise call from my best friend today.  She seems the same as usual.  I'm starting to see that she is very depressed and doesn't love herself at all.  She puts up with her BF's crap because she thinks that's all she has left.  I wish she would just start taking care of herself and she'll see things can be different.  Our conversation seemed very stained.  I offered her suggestions but she shot them all down.  It just doesn't sound like things are going well for her right now.  I know how she feels but I still try to have hope for the future.  She asked my about my fertility stuff but I don't really want to talk to her about it.  She had once implied that using a donor would mean the baby isn't really mine. Then she went ahead and started her own fertility quest.  I now know she was jealous.  Plus when she was evaluated they told her she should have a surrogate.  She didn't tell me why but I figured out it was because of her health.  They wouldn't intentionally get someone pregnant that wasn't healthy enough to carry a pregnancy.  Anyway, it was a difficult conversation. She seems so angry at everything.  Her boyfriend, school, her weight.  I remember what J said to me about her and that I should pray for her and that's what I'm going to do.

Hitting an all time low...

I'm hoping to get out of this funk.  I'm feeling so depressed and sad not to mention having on and off headaches this past week.  I'm hoping it's my body readjusting to my normal hormones.  I've had it before which is why I noticed.  I'm trying really hard to avoid the Excedrin Migraine for the rest of the day.  I took one yesterday and it was so hard to get to sleep last night.   I just want to feel normal again.  It probably doesn't help that I keep thinking about the finances for another round of this rollarcoaster.  I want to do it now but I know that's not possible.  We'll need at least half the money and that could take a year.  I'm trying to figure out how to make extra money without killing myself.  Maybe that's not possible.  Maybe nothing is possible anymore.