Getting all my ducks in a row....

I've taken the next step.  I've reapplied for the fertility loan a few days ago.  I was able to just email the same person who I worked with back in April.  I feel like a person when I speak to her.  She understands.  She's been through the same process and knows how stressful it can be.  We got our loan just at a higher interest rate because our credit scores have dropped.  I don't even care.  All I cared about was getting the loan and now that is set.  It's been on my mind for the last month now.  I've been holding off because I wanted to see some things improve but now that I'm past most of the testing I needed done, I thought it would be good to get started.  Next step is to see what's in store for J's schedule for January and get that hysteroscopy done.  We've narrowed down our decision on a donor as well.  Once we get started, things will move quickly.  Hopefully, nothing will get in our way and we'll have our take home baby some time next year.  I'm not sure how long it will take to get another recipient for our donor but hopefully it will happen in February.  I'm getting anxious now.  

Benign....

That moment I had sheer relief and exhaustion come over me.  I almost started to cry on the phone.  I know at such an early stage my recovery wouldn't be a concern.  It was knowing that a diagnosis of cancer would put our plans for a baby on hold and probably end that dream altogether because of my age.  I just wasn't ready to let go of that dream.  We are ready to move past this bump in the road and on to the next step.  Slower than I had hoped but we'll get there. 

Waiting for test results....

So now that the horrendous biopsy is done, the next stress is waiting for the biopsy results.  Yesterday I started to really think about it.  Odds are in my favor that it's benign but I'm still freaked out thinking about it.  I really hope I find out by tomorrow.  I keep having these awful thoughts and it's hard to see past that.  Plus, I'm still not feeling all that well.  I've been taking painkillers every night.  I have pain on my rib cage, armpit and top of breast.  The pain comes and goes.  I also feel fatigued.  Probably from the stress of the procedure and now all the waiting.  I just want to lay in bed and sleep.  I also did a little binging today.  I try not to do that too often but sometimes I just break.  Today is one of those days.  I just want it all to be okay so I can move on from this nightmare.  I just keep praying that the nightmare will really end tomorrow.  I just don't know how I will deal with the alternative.

My Stereotactic Biopsy....

Well, I made it through yesterday.  I'm so glad I had the Valium.  I think it really helped me.  Anyway, we got to the center and I checked in.  Then they took me to a room to change and leave my things.  J stayed in that room with me.  The Dr. came in and spoke to me for a few minutes.  An X was marked on my right breast.  Then they took me across the room to the biopsy/x-ray/mammogram room.  I had to go up on a stepladder to the table.  The table was concave, hard and had a hole for my breast.  Getting into position was really hard to do.  My rib cage was leaning on the edge which hurt too much to sit still for 30-40 minutes.  I started to get really upset.  Finally they put something in between my rib cage and the edge of that hole. That helped a lot. My head was on a pillow and my right arm stayed straight down the side of my body and left was bent up for some sort of support and to hold on to the pillow with dear life.  The room was cold, so they put a blanket on me to keep me warm.  Then the nurse was pulling and getting my breast in position for the machine to squash.  Once that was done they took mammograms to see where the calcification's were.  The Dr. said she could see them very clearly.  She then talked me through each step so I wouldn't be surprised and the nurse was also resting her hand on my back every time in case I accidentally got startled.  The Lidocaine felt like a pinch.  Then, she made the incision which I didn't feel.  When she shot the biopsy needle in I felt sharp pains.  She gave me more Lidocaine.  Then she started taking samples and again, I felt sharp pains.  More Lidocaine and yet, more pain.  Tears were coming down my face and I started feeling shaky.  Then it was over.  I really wish I hadn't felt any pain at all like they said.  But the procedure only took 20 minutes.  The rest of the time was spent with the nurse putting compression on my incision and then I had to have another mammogram to check for the marker that was placed. After, they put steri-strips on my wound and wrapped me up in an ace bandage that I need to wear till tomorrow morning.  With all this going on I forgot to ask for pain medication.  I called the Dr.'s office at 9:30 and they said someone would call me back because they didn't even have my Dr. on the schedule for today and couldn't just prescribe anything till they verified everything.  I waited till noon and tried again since the scheduler was coming in at 10.  Anyway, they said the Dr. on call was in surgery and they would call me in the afternoon.  I waited all day and the Lidocaine wore off.  I started feeling some pain and itching and got upset since they hadn't called.  J found some old painkillers so I took that.  I'm still feeling rather itchy and now it's all over the place.  Like some sort of allergic reaction to something.  The Dr.'s office finally called me at 6PM and said they have a prescription ready for me to come and pick up.  We have to do that now for narcotics.  Anyway, we'll go and get it in the morning.  I was just irritated with them for calling me so late.  Hopefully I can make it through the night and hopefully this itching will stop.   Now all I need to do is make it through waiting for the results of the biopsy.  Latest I should receive them should be Tuesday.  Praying it's all benign and I can just move on with my original plan.

Trying to deal with stress....

I'm not doing a good job at it right now.  I'm feeling anger and annoyance at an anyone that messes up any plans I have.  Patience is at an all time low.  I had an eye exam set up for 12/26 and they just called to cancel the appointment.  They were trying to reschedule but they must make it so difficult.  Everything is in the afternoon or morning.  I know my eyes and I won't be able to go drive to work with dilated pupils.  Especially if it's sunny outside.  The last time I used sunglasses and the shades they give out at the desk just to get myself home.  Once she started talking about the new year I said I just can't schedule it right now.  I hung up while she was saying I should call back when I'm ready.  I have too many other things on my mind right now.  Tomorrow is the day for my biopsy and I'm still terrified of the procedure.  Nothing about using a medieval device will convince me of that.  I bet if this were for a man they would surely find a better way to do this.  I was told no pain meds are necessary.  Just some Tylenol.  You can't take Advil or Excedrin or anything with aspirin in it.  But they wrap you up in an ace bandage instead of wearing your bra.  And put ice packs in it to keep the swelling and bruising down.  And I'm supposed to do that till the next day but I'm told the pain is mild.  Seriously, I had pain meds after my egg retrieval and at least I was sleeping during the procedure.  I have pain meds from other medical issues and I won't hesitate to take them.  Screw them.  A hallowed needle is going in my breast to suck out tissue samples.  Please don't insult me and say only a mild discomfort.  It's my breast and two people I work with already said it's very sore after.  I'm just feeling so emotional and scared right now.  I wish this was over with already.  Right now, I'm not feeling so well.  I hope I'm not coming down anything.  Just need to get through today.