Lonely weekend...

This month J has been gone from Thursday-Monday/Tuesday.  Actually, he's been working like this since mid September.  I get mixed feelings about his schedule.  At first, I enjoyed my alone time.  Now, I just want him home so he can take out the garbage on Friday's.  Of course, it would be nice to be able to sleep in with him by my side on the weekends.  He's been so exhausted too.  I'm hoping November will be a bit better. We'll find out soon enough. Bids are out tomorrow.  I also wish he had more time off so he can start applying.   I'm not sure he will do that on his days off but I'm hoping.  I've been frustrated with his company pay cuts and benefit cost increases not to mention not having enough FO's which is why his schedule is absolutely ridiculous.  Rest rules are changing in January so he should have lighter schedules then.  I'm appalled that they haven't ramped up the hiring.  These schedules compromise safety.  I'm sure no one wants to know just how exhausted J is when he flies.  Anyway, at least there is an end in sight even if it means cancelling flights because of not having enough crews to cover.  I'm also anticipating that J will be gone during the week of Thanksgiving.  Sometimes we get lucky but I don't think this year will be it.  I'll try to plan something for us on a different day that week.  Hopefully, he'll be home sometime during that week.  And of course, I'll have my standard mac & cheese on Thanksgiving if he's gone.  Yum.

Trying to make plans....

I've been going over it again and again on what to do next.  The plan, as of now, is to continue to pay down the credit cards and in mid Nov, apply for a fertility loan.  I pray we qualify for something.  The last time I applied to Springstone Financing they said I didn't qualify for anything.  I was devastated.  But we have another company we can apply to in addition to Springstone so we'll do both and see what happens.  I think our credit has improved since then.  We've gotten increases in our credit limits which is good to have.  I don't want to ever wind up in a situation like we were five years ago.  We depended on the credit cards when we both lost our jobs.  In the end having so much credit hurt us.  This time, we have limited amount of credit and that's okay.  I prefer to grow our savings account and use that in case of emergencies.  Of course, right now, all I think about is saving for our next treatment.   I'm also doing better with my diet.  I've been using Sparkpeople to track my calories, carbs, weight loss.  I check my blood sugar every morning but it's still on the high side.  Even though I track my carb intake and keep it low it doesn't seem to be changing much.  It's not going any higher but it's not getting any lower.  My next appointment to check my A1C isn't till next Feb/Mar so unless it starts to skyrocket, I'll just wait till then and see what it is.  However, I will say, it gets old tracking carbs.  I'm tired of watching everything I eat.  I'm tired of saying no to all the treats at work.  I'm tired of trying to explain why I say no when asked if I would like a treat.  People take for granted that they can eat whatever they want and as much as they want anytime they want.  I guess I now know that I will have to think twice before eating out or any treat for the rest of my life.  I guess that's why my sister is on insulin.  It's just so much easier to do that than track your food.  But that can only lead to health problems and I want to make sure I'm super healthy to carry a baby.

On another note, J finally finished his logbook.  He's going to schedule an appointment with him AME and get his first class medical so he can go on interviews.  I'm getting excited that he's finally getting the ball rolling.  

Not chosen...

Today I found out we didn't get the grant.  Today I'm feeling really hopeless and sad.  I'm afraid my dream of having a family is coming to an end.  This is really hard for me to deal with today.  I wound up taking a half day from work to come home and try to deal with this new grief.  We also had to take our cat, Scottie to the vet.  He suddenly stopped eating and we were worried.  So far the vet said he's OK just dehydrated.  They gave him fluids and when we got home he went to his dish to eat which made me happy.  He's not ready to die yet and for that I'm thankful.  It would have really sucked if we lost him today along with everything else I'm down about.  I got super mad at J too.  He's put me through a lot this summer and he seems to think we can just wait another year till he gets a new job.  He should have been already done with his logbook in the summer and started applying now but he hasn't.  It seems he has one excuse after the next and the fact is, he hates his job and he'll never make more than he is right now.  This is putting a huge financial strain on us and he has the power to change that but hasn't.  He calls in sick very often and tries to get out of work all the time.  We spend more money for him to commute to work than he is making so instead of the credit cards going down, they go up.  I pay them down and he spends the money and sometimes, even wastes money.  I feel like I’m the only one vested in trying to save money for fertility treatments.  I’m beyond frustrated and emotional today.  Every time I try to talk to him about it we have a blowup.  He keeps saying that there is no hiring boom.  I need to wait for the hiring boom.  Turns out, he missed the US Airways hiring boom.  He said he was going to finish his logbook in July.  He said it would take 2 weeks.  It’s October and he just finished.  He was on disability from July 23^rd till Sept 13^th.  In that time, we got no money from him and we have recharged all the credit cards.  He’s always upset because we have no money but he doesn't do anything to fix it.  Just complains about it and bitches about his awful job.  Right now, I struggle to go to work and see all these people who have children and families.  I deal with it every day and today I want to sulk, cry and feel a little sorry for myself.  

Throwing in the towel...

It's been six months since we got our new family member.  However, it is apparent that she may not want to be a part of our family.  She attacks me often and especially in the middle of the night when I go to the bathroom.  I have scratches and bruises from her clawing and biting me. I have to wear long sleeves so my arms are covered.  She has no problem with J for the most part.  We've tried giving her time outs when she acts out.  It's sort of like a temper tantrum.  When she doesn't get her way, she goes nuts.  I brought her in to the vet today.  They couldn't even do a blood test on her.  She went crazy.  The vet suggested sedating her for the blood test.  Unfortunately, that was going to add to the bill which we just can't afford.  She also suggested a behaviorist.  Another way too expensive option for us.  Honestly, I don't think she has any medical issues.  The vet mentioned that she was possibly a feral cat that someone took in at one point.  I really see the only option right now is to find her a new home but who can handle her?  We are considering finding a farm for her to live on.  This way, she can run around outside and I think she'd be very happy.  It still makes me sad that this didn't work out.