Reflections....

I've been doing a lot of thinking the past few days.  Looking back at the beginning for J and I.  We've gone through so much.  We've been married for over 13 years.  I thought for sure we would have had children by now.  I remember feeling the moments of sheer panic, frustration and anger when J was away on a trip.  I would have these mini screaming and crying fits.  Then he would come home and everything would be okay again.  This year, my crying fits have been from the recent IVF failures.  I want to know what's wrong with me.  What did I do wrong that I can't be blessed with a child.  Are we destined to live our lives without children.  I don't know if J cares about that as much as I do.  It's all I live for and I'm scared it will never happen.  I don't want to grow old angry and upset over what I never got to have.  Lately, I've been feeling really alone and sad.  I hope my RE has answers on Monday.  It's Friday and no phone call to cancel so I guess the appointment is still on.  I'm glad, because I really want to get started on the next cycle ASAP.

Ok, the world isn't ending....

Today is much better than yesterday and my life isn't over.  I re-read my post and it sounded so morbid.  Anyway, I'm feeling much better today.  J and I talked some more and decided that we'll move forward as quickly as we can on the next IVF cycle before the benefits change over to the new company.  Let's hope the RE agrees with us and has some ideas or answers as to why both my IVF cycles failed.  I've been doing some research myself and I plan to come armed with my info. 

Changes.....

Well, here I am thinking I have 2 more IVF tries only to find out today my company was sold to another company.  Benefits to be determined within the next few weeks.  My hopes have been dashed away.  We've only been lucky enough to do IVF because of my health benefits.  Not all companies have fertility coverage.  As a matter of fact, this is the first one I ever worked for that had these benefits.  I've spent the day in a fog.  Walking around and trying not to focus on the inevitable.  I made it to the car at around 5:30 and basically cried all the way home and all night so far.  I feel drained.  J doesn't understand.  The last five years have been difficult.  We basically lost everything and we're still working to build it back up.  Except age doesn't wait. Saving the money will take at least a year that I don't have.  I know he wants things to work out but I am feeling so alone right now.  I want to know why things are so difficult for us.  What did I do wrong to deserve this.  I feel like I am being punished.  I am losing my will to go on like this.  The only reason I've stayed with this company is because of my desire to have a family and now I feel like it will never happen.  That I'm destined to live a life without children.  I have a big black hole in me that will never be filled.  I'll never hear the words "I love you mom."  It's painful right now to have to face this.  I feel like my youth is over and all I have left to look forward to is death. 

Dreaded two week wait is over.....

....and the answer is another BIG FAT NEG.  I won't say that I'm not disappointed, discouraged and sad that my embies didn't survive and implant.  It hurts so much.  I feel so empty.  I have a black hole in me that will never be complete.  Women who get pregnant easily are so lucky.  They'll never have to feel the disappointment month after month, year after year.  I'm sure they have other challenges but right now I wish I was in there shoes.  People say "relax and it will happen".  News Flash people, after 8 years I'm sure my relaxation techniques aren't the issue.  At least J was home when I got the call.  I'm glad he was home this time.  I handled it much better than the last time.  What's funny is that later that day we were leaving Walmart and the Ultrasound Tech that called to give me the bad news was coming into Walmart.  She probably hates that part of her job.  I know what it feels like to be the messenger and it's not an easy thing to do.  I'm sure the last thing she wanted to see is one of the people she had to call and give bad news to.   Well, I'm not going to give up.  I'm feeling tired and have cramps on and off but I'll survive and try again.  I am reading a lot on things like DHEA.  I'm going to do some research and see what my RE says about it.  I'm feeling like I'm running out of options so it's that and hopefully some sort of change in diet. 

The dreaded two week wait....

Okay.  So yesterday was an interesting day for me.  I got a cab company to come and take me to the hospital.  It was only a $5 fare.  That part went well.  They check me in and they had no beds available so they set me up in a room with only a reclining chair and some plastic bags since once they took me into the OR, they would move my stuff to my room.  So, then the nurse comes in for vitals including taking a sample of blood.  She couldn't find a vein and insisted on using the back of my hand.  I really hate that.  Anyway, she then gives me my Valium and it hits me hard.  Man I was flying high.  Of course, my RE comes in while I'm high on the Valium so I'm not completely sure what he said.  He seemed pleased, I think he mentioned hatching, then I was put on a gurney/bed and whisked off to the OR.  Room full of nurses, embryologist, ultrasound tech, etc.and I'm exposed from the waist down for all to see.  If I wasn't so high on the Valium, I might have been more embarrassed.  Things were a little different this time.  They covered my legs before placing in the stirrups and this time strapped them down.  I don't think they did that the first time.  I don't recall so many people in the OR the last time either.  Anyway, after they took me back to my room to rest.  I was still quite out of it and my RE came in to check on me.  I should have asked him then what he said to me before the transfer but I was still rather out of it.  Then I found out I needed to have my blood drawn again because they screwed up with the lab on the first test.  She tried to get me in my arm, then switched to my hand above the thumb.  I don't like the nurses getting blood from me in those places.  In fact it really upsets me when I have bruises all over the place.  So, I wait the appropriate amount of time and the nurse comes in and give me a phone number to call the cab company.  The dispatcher says he can only do it for 15.  I live less than 5 minutes away and he also said, I should call when I'm outside because it will take hours to get out, he knows.  Anyway, I call the cab company that took me and it turns out to be the same people.  I asked him why the fare went up 10 from a few hours earlier and then I hung up on him.  Luckily, I had another # so I called them.  They showed up in 20 minutes and they didn't have to wait for me.  I was already discharged.  Anyway, I'm now home and resting on my second day after transfer.  I'm feeling positive that this will be the one.  I imagine my embies snuggling in my uterus and making a home for the next nine months.  I hope they want to stay with me and J.  I really hope and pray that God will let them grow into beautiful babies for us to care for forever. 

Insecurities....

Ok.  It's Sunday.  I've gone shopping and I'm nearly ready for the transfer tomorrow.  The only thing is that I am terrified of is that I'll get a call from my RE saying none of my embies survived through the weekend.  Please God don't let me get a call like that.  I'm all alone here and I'm not sure I could handle that.  It would be so devastating to me right now.  Tonight, I know that is all I will think about.  Not sure I can change that right now.  Maybe it's because I only have 2 that made it so far that I have this feeling.  Although, I do remember the last time I had equally disturbing thoughts.  1st, J's sperm would be dead, 2nd, no eggs were retrieved, 3rd, none making it to transfer.  I felt that before so I guess it's normal to feel this way again.  I just wish J was here with me.  But if I make to the transfer then I'm prepared to welcome our embryos into my uterus and give them a warm and snuggley place to stay for nine months.  I just hope they want the same thing.  I pray they have the will to live.  Please God, let them be okay for tomorrow and after.   I want them to become babies, toddlers, adolescents, and adults.  To live to be exceptional human beings that have everything they want in life and then some.  Please God, let us have that chance.

Getting ready for the dreaded 2ww....

Well, I had my ER on 4/1.  Guess I was getting an April Fools joke played on me because I was told I had 6 eggs retrieved.  Today my RE called me and told me only 3 were mature and only 2 fertilized so I'm in the same boat as last month.  I want to be positive.  I know it only takes 1 good embryo.  The other thing that is getting me down is that J won't be here for the transfer.  He left today.  Sometimes I feel like he would rather not be around me lately.  He seemed eager to leave.  I'm sure that's not the case.  He's tried to get his trip swapped so he could be here but it didn't work out. He's seems to have a knack for stressing me out lately.  Maybe it's better that he's not here.  Maybe my stress level will be lower if I don't have to hear about how calling in sick is risking his current job and future jobs.  I've waited for years to get pregnant and he is unknowingly sabotaging my every chance.   I don't lay the guilt trip on him by saying over and over how because of him we waited too long to have a baby.  We should have gone to a specialist 5 years ago but that wasn't an option for us then.   I'm here in the Chicagoland area far away from family.  I have a few friends here but most of my closest friends are located in the east coast.  I have no one else but J to depend on and sometimes I feel like I am totally on my own.  Anyway, my transfer is on Monday so I need to prepare so I can rest as much as possible.  I want those days to be as relaxing as possible.