Frustrated and uncomfortable...

Well, I thought I would be doing this on Wed.  My RE has thrown a monkey-wrench into the whole plan.  The plan was to trigger tonight and do the retrieval on Wed.  Well, he wants me to continue with the meds till Wed and come back for yet another blood test and ultrasound to see if I'm ready to trigger.  I'm super uncomfortable.  I'm running out of spots to inject myself that aren't bruised.  Plus, now I have to take so much additional time off and J is working on the day of transfer.  I really hate the idea of having to do this alone.  I was also so super stressed waiting for the nurse to call me tonight.  I was getting so freaked out.  I didn't hear back from them till 5:40.  I was afraid they left a message on someone else's phone but they didn't.  It turned out that they also had to get me re-scheduled for Friday.  That's what took so much time to do.  Anyway, that's my update on this IVF cycle.  Retrieval set for April Fools Day.  Woo hoo.

Getting closer to the big day...

I've been going through monitoring Wed, Fri, and will be going in tomorrow.  Looks like I'm progressing much faster this time around.  They are counting 6 follicles this time and they are getting bigger.  I'm hoping on Monday that my estrogen will be high enough for me to do the trigger shot and retrieval on Wed.  Let's just pray that it all works out that way.  J can't afford to take anymore time off and I'm getting some issues at my job too.  I can't arrange for coverage every time.  I really hope this works and I wound up pregnant.  Otherwise, next time, I'm not telling anyone and just going to call in sick last minute.  It's not right that I have to figure out coverage for my days off.  Anyway, I really don't need the added stress.  Right now, I abdomen feels swollen and sore.  I'm very hopeful this time around that it will work.  Please God let this be our time. 

Talking....

Well, J and I had a heart to heart talk last night.  I'm glad.  He said he'll be there for me when the time comes.  He not worried about missing a job fair.  He is worried about bringing attention to himself and that's why he doesn't want to call in sick.  And now he's worried about the FMLA.  So here what we've decided to do.  He's off from 3/30 till 4/2.  Hopefully, the retrieval will be on 3/31 or 4/1.  Then I'll only need to worry about the transfer.  J is convinced that the doctor said they could arrange to pick me up and drop me off but I think he was dreaming.  I have no memory of that conversation but I said I'll ask.  Otherwise, if necessary, I can take a cab.  I only live up the road from the hospital.  I will only have taken a mild Valium and by the time I leave I could probably even drive myself.  We'll see. He's also thinking of talking to his base manager about dropping those days off at the beginning of the month and picking up trips on his vacation.  I hope he can do it.  I wish I could tell him for sure about the timing but I have no idea.  Anyway, these drugs are making me very loopy this time around.  Maybe it's because of the higher dosage.  I am excited to find out how I'm doing.  Till then.

Depression......

Yesterday was a tough day for me.  It started out ok but I started to think about all the sacrifices I've made over the years and J's responses to me recently.  I know our lives had taken a huge setback.  With J's company going bankrupt and him being on disability, it was virtually impossible for him to get another flying job.  Then I lost my job.  In the end we had to file bankruptcy and we nearly lost our house.  It was some of the most difficult times for us.  I had never realized how dependent we were on our credit cards until they were gone.  And I don't mean for frivolous items.  I mean for food, clothing, things that make the car and house go. I've been able to do without.  I wear clothes from 10 years ago but clothes don't last forever. But it's been over 5 years since that awful time in our lives and we've been able to get through it.  Now, I'm in my 40's and I'm feeling old. I'm afraid I'll never have my dream of being a mother but J will have all that he wants.  I feel like he never thinks of my feelings. I think he thinks it's ok now that he somehow believes that if we don't get pregnant now, that we can just adopt or get donor eggs after I hit menopause.  But it makes me angry that he's willing to sacrifice me and wait even longer so he can have his workshop, job, etc.  Meanwhile, I'm feeling broken and sad inside.  I spent the afternoon in bed really sad all day.  J didn't come home and that just made me feel worse.  He is sick and didn't want to come home.  I feel like he would rather stay in MEM than come home to me.  Anyway, yesterday is over and today is Sunday so I'm going to do my best to get out of this funk.  Here's to a new day.

Ready, Set, Go.....

Ok.  Here I go again.  I'm going to start IVF #2 and of course, J wants to go to a job fair on 4/1 in LAS and it's possible that my egg retrieval will be on that day.  I really have no idea.  I'm hoping it won't be.  Maybe it won't happen that way.  Maybe I'll respond sooner or later.  I really have no idea how this all works.  Will the timing be exactly the same as it was the first time?  I guess I can ask my RE.  They'll be able to tell me how things may work out.  Right now, it's just stressing me out.  Sometimes I wonder why he doesn't consider my feelings more.  Anyway, I start my stims tomorrow.  My RE has increased my Follistim dosage to 300 UI in the AM and PM.  I start in the PM.  I still don't know what went wrong.  The test results from my blood test haven't come in yet.  I'm hoping that test has the answers to why the 1st IVF failed.  At least then, we can move forward with a plan.  If not, we are just moving forward anyway and hope that this time it takes.   I think tomorrow I'm going to try to go to the gym and do some exercise.  Walking on the treadmill.  I think it will do me some good as I need to do something to relieve the stress.  Work has been super busy and I don't want anything stress me out too much. 

Excited again...

Had my app with my RE  this past week. I was pleasantly surprised by what he said.  I was sure he was going to say we should look at donor eggs but he didn't.  He said my eggs were great quality even though he only got 3 at retrieval.  He said they fertilized into Grade 1, 8 cell embryo's and that they were perfect.  He even showed us the pictures of the embryos.  He doesn't know why they didn't implant.  I go on Monday for a blood test to see if I have antibodies that kill the embryos.  If I do, I'll need to take Heparin shots.  No big deal since I'm already a pincushion.  So, we are going to try this all over again.  I got all my meds delivered and I'm ready for my next IVF cycle.  He's increasing my meds to try to get more produced this time.  Maybe the extra meds will help my tired ovaries grow more eggs and hopefully the same good quality as last time.  I've been taking extra vitamins for months now.  I'm hoping that they have helped. 

Maybe everything does happen for a reason...

Well, I'm anxiously waiting to meet with my RE regarding this failed IVF cycle.  After talking to J on Friday, I told him that I hope I don't get another call from the office cancelling.  He didn't think that would happen but believe it or not, I got a call that the Dr. will be in surgery on Monday during my appointment time.  I was almost upset but they gave me an appointment for the next day at 5PM.  The good part is that J will now be able to be at the appointment.  The other 2 cancelled appointments he was working.  I'm used to doing things on my own but I'd rather him be with me during these appointments.  It's a team effort and luckily, all the past appointments he was able to come to as well.  This is why I was thinking that maybe everything happens for a reason and the reason the other appointments were cancelled is because J couldn't make it. 

I'm also glad to say that my mood has definitely improved.  I can't believe how down I was.  It's not like me to be depressed but this whole thing can really take an emotional toll on a person.  I remember the Dr. mentioning at one of the consults that this is all so emotional but at the time I didn't feel it yet.  I handed my life over to them.  They took blood and did ultrasounds and gave me direction on the next steps every other day.  I had no emotional stress at all.  I think the emotional part started in the middle of the 2ww.  It was the hardest part of all and then the disappointment at the end of that.  Add J not being here as well.  I think it's safe to say I lost it and in the process learned valuable lessons.  I think I need to keep this fertility stuff to myself for the next try.  I don't want to have to explain to anyone about the disappointment of not being pregnant.  If it works out then I'll have some positive news but until then, just J and I will know what's going on.  Also, I decided that for the next time, I will take the day off when I go for the pregnancy test.  Being at work and getting that news just killed me to try to act normal.  I couldn't function.  All I could think about was that I was a failure as a woman.  Perhaps before I wasn't ovulating but this was different.  I had 2 embryos places in my uterus and they didn't live.  What is wrong with me?  Did I do something wrong in those 2 weeks to make that happen?  I just wanted to cry and I was at work and couldn't.  It took everything to drive home and make it in the house before breaking down.  It's been 3 weeks since then so I'm feeling much better.  The extra hormones are out of my system and I think my ovaries are finally feeling normal again.  Ok, to be continued on Tuesday......