Sunday, February 20, 2011

Waiting for next steps and feeling normal....

Well, this proved to be an interesting week.  On Tuesday-Wednesday, I had the worst headache.  I took Advil, Tylenol, Excedrin PM.  It wouldn't go away.  Went to sleep with it, woke up with it, went to work with it.  Finally, on Wed, I decided to go to the urgent care and see if they could give me something stronger or at least determine if it was migraine or sinus.  I explained the whole IVF and failure and going off of all the meds.  She agreed it could be that but wanted to call an ambulance to rush me to the ER so they can run tests for aneurysm or brain tumor.  Really, a tumor.  Come on.  I was so pissed off.  I said no, signed a crap load of papers so I can leave against there recommendation and went home crying.  The pain was awful.  I spent an hour and half in that place, paid them money and got nothing.  I wound up taking Excedrin Migraine.  It gave me the shakes, kept me up all night but amazingly, the headache finally went away that evening.  I still don't feel like myself yet.  Still get cramps every once in awhile and some spotting.  I also go through bouts of highs and lows.  One minute I'm happy the next depressed.

I have my RE appointment next week to see where we go next.  I had been so excited that we got good eggs and that they fertilized and they were grade 1, 8 cell.  I want to understand what went wrong but my feeling is that its because of me.  That even though the eggs were good there was still something wrong with them.  All these years of waiting and now I am afraid that I won't be able to have a child with my genetics.  I pray and hope that my RE says we can still use my eggs.  I really want to.  J says we should go with what the doctor recommends because really the goal is to have a  baby.  To have a family.  I know that he's right but at the same time it hardly seems fair.  I felt so close to achieving our goal of making a baby.  We had my eggs fertilized with J's sperm and created an embryo.  A potential baby.  I spoke to them.  I hoped that they would have the will to implant and live but that didn't happen.  And I can't help feeling like it was my fault.  That my eggs aren't good enough.  That I'm not good enough.  I've tried to explain my feeling to J but he just doesn't get it.  He doesn't understand that I feel broken.  I feel like less of a woman because of this.  I guess I just need to wait till next week to hear what the doctor has to say.

Anyway, it's only a week and in the meantime, I'm doing stuff for me.  I went to the gym today for the 1st time in months.  I couldn't run because I still have pain in my lower abdomen but I did a brisk walk for 30 minutes.  It felt good and I plan to do it again this week.  All it takes is small steps to make lifelong changes.

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